My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[Kalni]

Focus... Dont let your ego stand in the way. This is not about him. This about WHO you are. Thre is very little to loose at this point. Make the best out of the sitch. Be the better choice.
K

[RedSoxFan]

What would your fantasy game plan be?

Fantasy =

Be at the right place at the right time together, talk, cry, hug kiss and make passionate love together like it was the first time again. We had so much passion and fire in our relationship

Real =

She already knows where I stand. Love her, want to reconcile, forgave myself for walking out & PA, moving forward with my life in a positive way.

Now I back off. W gets back on top of her game alone. Full self esteem, owns the world, decides she has it in her to consider reconciling with me. We set up MC and begin with some light dating..easy not heavy. Progress through that. once we're really sure we're moving forward we can start doing more things with kids as family. Have a quiet ceremony to renew our vows. Move back in together with family and never let this happen again.

[RedSoxFan]

Here's something else for you RSF....maybe get your mind to slow down and go in a positive directions....Maybe your W is ready to dump this guy. Not because he's a bad person, or she doesn't like him, and maybe not because she plans to get back together with you, but maybe she does. Let's say she has every intention of dumping him, just not yet, because at this point, she is having some fun and it's relaxing and it's a break from reality. But sooner than later and she's preparing for it now, she is going to call it off with him.
Have you ever thought of it that way? She's not with him to punish you, it's just relaxing for her but she knows it's going nowhere and is now getting ready to call things off with him....and IF that's the case, you better leave her alone. Because if you push or complain about him, it's going to annoy her to a point you just push them together.

Yes, yes I can totally see this scenario as a possibility. I don't want to mind read but it is just as probable as all of the bad things I keep thinking about. I just need to find a way to keep myself positive and feel like I'm in control of my self and my part of the process.

[Kettricken]

Truth of the matter is when I'm really honest with myself...I'm scared sh*tless of the risk...I'm petrified to not be in control...

This is where your work resides. You need to learn how to come to terms and a balance in your life with NOT being in total control. This is work you can do *entirely* on your own, maybe with some serious reading and/or professional help.

But you need no help from her to do this work. In fact, help from her at this point would hinder you in doing this *necessary* work, without which any future relationships with *anyone*, including your children, are bound to be troubled or fail.

Character is doing the right thing when there *are* no guarantees.

[aliveandkicking]

What would your fantasy game plan be? What would not being a better person be?

I don't understand what you mean here.

I think you figured it out in a way. But really, when you are complaining about this being too hard, I wonder what the alternative is? What you would do right now if you gave up on all this DB stuff and went with your gut. It is an illusion that there is some other way...DB is just doing what works and what makes sense, not a set formula. When you look clearly at your options, then you can choose a path. Otherwise it is, "I don't want to do x..." so, what are your y or z options? You are getting in reality here. I am not referring to your fantasy outcome...but your plan of action.

I think you have some notion of how you could get through this easy or more effectively...lay it out and you'll be better able to see the reality. You are not in control whether you are a better person or not.

I do? Can you give me a little hint?

Same thing. You don't like this. So, what are your options? I think you only have a couple...it is pretty clear.

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

I honestly do not get what this means either.

Well thanks for telling me so I can stop reposting it. To me, it means, you know you want your family together and your wife in your arms. But you deal with the day to day and logistical decisions based on the current reality. So that you are not constantly in a state of distraction and vulnerability. For example, I do not want a divorce, but, if my H does not provide support or stick to an agreement or continues to date other women indefinitely, I will have to take appropriate action to protect and care for myself and my kids. YOu have to do both...want what you want but be a whole person living in the present and taking care of business.

Coach could give you a better and more succinct explanation. But I think I'm close and it works for me.

[RedSoxFan]

Good visit with W tonight. Took youngest daughter to appointment at 5, took dinner home after, was supposed to take oldest daughter shopping but ended up not needing to. Had a nice dinner with the whole family. W and I talked for 30 minutes after, mostly about kids and stuff. Lots of laughing and fun. I was in a great mood. W was laughing too but didn't quite seem herself. I noticed her tummy growling after dinner and asked if she was OK. Said she hadn't been sleeping well or feeling great. We talked some more. I said my goodbyes, told everyone I loved them and headed out.

Might not be easy to believe given all of the whining I do on this forum but I've been doing a good job of being attractive, vibrant, positive, etc. when around W. I think I did a good job of not overdoing it or overstaying tonight.

W had just put tan in a bottle on. Couldn't help but think she'll be out boating this weekend with OM. At least I'll be with my awesome kids

[gucci loafer]

Might not be easy to believe given all of the whining I do on this forum but I've been doing a good job of being attractive, vibrant, positive, etc. when around W.

Well, stop whining on here. It will help you to make it part of your life. Women are attracted to happy men. Confident me.
This would be a good place to practice and become schooled in making it a life long habit. Life is short. Don't be fooled into thinking that "venting" on here is healthy. Venting or whining leads to a habit of more venting and whining, not less. (for examples go back and read some of the threads of people still on here after at least six months. Many are STILL complaining and whining. That isn't growth, but silly) Find a good male friend to do your venting if you must. Learn to help him more than he helps you. It will help you to see your own mistakes when helping others.

Stay on this path. Be happy. Let her be who she is. No pressure. None. Not one ounce. No advising her on how to be a better mom. Let her fail or succeed on her own. Stay in the backround and live life to the fullest and let her observe it from the backround (and she will ber watching) Let her come to you. Be nice. An attitude of "maybe this IS for the best works quite well.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Redsox
I'm there with you! I left my H for a month, when he dropped the bomb on me. I wish that I had never left. He says that things might have been different if I hadn't gone but I think not. He told me that he had stayed at the airport, crying for an hour after I walked through the departure gate but he didn't call my cellphone and ask me to come back ... what does that say?

I'm back now but H only lasted a few days after I got back before he stirred things up so badly that his prediction of "it won't work with us living together, I am 80% sure" came true. He made that happen - he made himself walk out - he found himself another place to live. He's totally checked out.

I feel exactly as you do. My current silence feels risky and damaging. I'm scared but the experts here tell me to stick it out.

I was glad to come across your post, though I am sad that it means that at least two of us share this boat. Meanwhile, H continues to pursue ow to his belief that he can have a happy and loving life with someone other than me. He has re-written our history - all usual MLC stuff.

Sorry - I don't have any advice to offer to you at this time. Just wanted to empathise and say hi to someone else on the boards.

Guess this is where I tell you to keep the faith and keep posting, right?

[RedSoxFan]

Hi Nell,

Thanks for stopping by. I recall reading your intro a while back when I first joined. My recollection was/is that your fleeing to the comfort of friends didn't seem that far out of line. Sure, it might not have been in your best interest when it came to saving the ,marriage but I get why you did it. Seems like if H didn't get it then he was/is looking for reasons to be done.

I on the other hand went through MLC, PA and left. I was an alien during that time. Still, there is no excuse for my walking. If I had had any kind of sense to stick it out I probably wouldn't be on this forum today. But I did, and I'm here. I've learned a lot during all of this, grown emotionally, opened many doors and learned many great things about myself. I will succeed and be happy in life, no two ways about it.

So now, I keep the faith and fight to save my marriage. Today I feel happy and strong knowing that even if I don't succeed I will be OK in life. Not every day is good though and I may be struggling tomorrow, one day at a time right?

[RedSoxFan]

Well, stop whining on here. It will help you to make it part of your life. Women are attracted to happy men. Confident me.
This would be a good place to practice and become schooled in making it a life long habit. Life is short. Don't be fooled into thinking that "venting" on here is healthy.

Good stuff Gucci. I sat thinking about your words for a while and a bunch of different things went through my mind. First I chuckled a bit that someone would be advising me to practice confidence and work to make it a life-long habit. By anyone's account I am more than adequate in the confidence department. What's interesting is the difference between projecting confidence and really being confident on the inside. The situation with W and MLC has allowed me to open up access to a part of myself that has been closed off for all of my adult life. I grew up oldest of half dozen kids, broken home, depression, etc. and I was forced to step up and assume an adult role at a very early age. As an adult I've been cool and precise in a crisis with no room for emotion. Recently I've opened the floodgates to a lot of emotion and feeling that I hadn't experienced in 40+ years of life. That also means that I'm drinking from the fire hose as a result and figuring out how to control all of that is something I'm still getting a handle on. I'm happy and proud that I am learning and discovering. I'm happy and proud that I'm able to participate on this forum (probably would have been unthinkable a year or two ago). But I have to tell you all, it's one he11 of a lot harder than the old suppress everything and feel nothing approach. LOL..as if you all didn't know that

Still, I am happy and proud!