What to do when H doesn't contact?

[K4D]

God loves you. Never forget that. He loves all of us.

Kevin

[K4D]

I said a prayer for you. Take comfort in the Lord.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Thanks Or and Kevin! Kevin I need all the prayers I can get! I just know how God Hates Divorce and I had to do it 14yrs. ago.

I believe in our vows and totally want my M restored but I'm afraid because of already being divorced once God doesn't want restoration for me this time.

I'm so confused!

[mishka422]

God also hates a man who covers himself with violence.

Malachai 2:15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. [a] So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

Malachai 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

God does not expect us to remain in a dangerous situation and certainly does not expect us to keep our children in that kind of atmosphere. Yes, God hates divorce, but he loves us and wants us to be safe. Someone else's bad decisions put you in the situation you were in. You weren't responsible for it.

[K4D]

That is true. I don't disagree at all. The first priority was to make sure that she and her kid/kids were safe. I am totally on board with that.

It is unfortunate the path that her first H chose and continues to choose. I'm glad to see you still praying for him. He needs prayers. Do you fast as well?

You are in a very difficult situation. I know the emotions must be just overwhelming you. But remember, God loves you and wants to comfort you if you will allow him to. None of us are perfect. If we were, we wouldn't have needed Jesus to die on the cross for us. Take faith in the Lord and look at his direction and path. He will guide you. Seek him out earnestly.

Do you attend a church somewhere? Do your kids attend with you?

I don't have all the answers. But I know that God does. I know that he is a forgiving and loving God if you will seek to follow him and his will in your life.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Thanks Mish and Kevin. Both of you made me feel a whole lot better. That has been bothering me since me and my H separated even though I didn't want the separation. I wanted him to stay and get help but he wanted nothing to do with it. So I thought for some reason that this is what I get for getting divorced before.

I know God is forgiving but I was so afraid of breaking those vows all those years ago.

Mish and Kevin,

What do you think about the letter I wrote to H? On Dbusting they tell you not to contact the S but Charlyne says to let the prodical know that they are welcome back. So that is where my confustion is coming from.

Thanks once again!

[mishka422]

IMO, you showed him the open door. That's all the contact that you should have for now unless there is a dire emergency (like last week). He knows, now it's all his choice what to do about it.

Now, let it go and move forward with your own life regardless of what he chooses. Live for you and your children, not for what you hope he will see you doing. KWIM?

[june72]

Lost,
I am so sorry about your son. I hope counseling will help out. What a horrible nightmare. I am too tired tonight to read all of your sitch. Will read all tomorrow.
The small part I read concerning your hubby alarmed me.
His yelling when you child tried to commit suicide just seems absolutely horrible.
My first impression just by reading the few posts is that maybe you need to drop the rope, IDK. I maybe misjudging.

Obviously, you children are the priority. I guess the big issue is how to make your children's lives as stable as possible. Is your hubby a detriment to them? Again, I have not read all the posts

Please update

[Goodfight]

Sorry Mish, don't know what KWIM stand for. Lol

June,

My husband suffers from depression and basically the counselor and Dr. told us years ago that it is like an anger depression. After he stood there yelling he left and came back and appoligized. Which even shocked me more. That is the way my S was also acting before he did what he did. He was very very angry and mostly taking it out on me and my H before we separated. Then my S got worse taking it out on me and I kept thinking this is what the H acts like when he is depressed. So I made an appointment with a C for him for the following day but it was too late. He had already tried to take his life.

I have read so much on depression these past 9 months it isn't even funny. But this is the way some people get (angry) and they take it out on the ones they love the most. My S even said yesterday that he was so sorry for taking it out on me and now he knows how H feels and wishes that H would get help.

The kids love H very much and miss the old H.

But H doesn't or didn't realize he was depressed then he said if he was depressed it was the marriage that was causing it. Then after he moved in with his step-mother and father that made it worse because he lied to them so he wouldn't look like the bad guy for leaving his family, which the books and Cs say that is what they do. They don't want to look like the bad guy for leaving and don't want to admit they have something wrong physically. He told me he wasn't happy there either and in May he got his own apartment but there hasn't been much contact since then. Men like to isolate themselves when depressed and from what I hear that is what he is doing.

I just got back from C and she told me to get prepared because it is the time of year that my H usually crashes or comes to his senses when he is like this, but I don't know what to think.

This is his 5th episode with depression and 2nd time he stopped taking his meds and this time he said he is never taking them again. That was at the end of March.

[The Wifey]

Ok, Lost, as promised I came to check on you.

KWIM is know what I mean.

I went back as far as page 10 to try and find the letter you wrote. If it is on an earlier page you'll have to tell me.

No matter what it says, it is ok to tell the WA that you forgive them. Then you have to believe and live it. Let go and let God is more than a catchy phrase. In one of my low moments God told me to embrace uncertainty.

You are in limbo right now. Agonizing, painful, not sure which end is up limbo. Believe me when I say you will get stronger through this. You will grow and blossom no matter what happens with your M.

Right now you have got to force yourself to make a daily list of what you need to get done that day. Give one-on-one time to your kids. They are both hurting tremendously. And, be gentle with yourself.

Every time you agonize over your H, his depression, when will he contact any of you, why he is doing this, whether other people in his life are pro-divorce, what lies he's told, etc, etc, etc it is taking energy away from your healing and the healing of your children.

You have got to let him twist in the wind a little right now. Take a breath and step back. Think of the pain like touching a hot stove. If you do that you get burned. Nobody willingly touches a hot stove. But, we as LBS's are so trying to find some reason, some logic for why this has happened to us that we put our hand on that stove over and over.

His anger is his mind twisting. His no contact is his choice right now. He's still in the man-cave and you can't force him to come out.

In the meantime, you have to grow. This is a test and there are no do-overs. Even if he came home right now, today, yesterday - this really has happened and it doesn't just magically change.

I know people can recommend any number of books to you on this site. I have two I recommend that you should read in order. 1) Life Strategies- Doing what works, Doing what Matters by Phillip McGraw (written before he became Dr. Phil of the Opra show, etc) and 2) The Richest Man Who Ever Lived: King Solomon's Secrets to Success, Wealth, and Happiness by Steven K. Scott.

This is your time to grow. This is your time and you have to grow. Easy - nope. Necessary - yup. Unfair - no.

Please read these, take notes, apply them to your life, and keep loving those kids with all your might.

I have to tell you the neatest thing my son ever said to me. When I said I didn't know what I was going to do if his father didn't come to his senses, he said, "I'm going to tell you what you are going to do. You are going to keep on being an awesome person." It made me cry.

Since then I've learned that people don't just "come to their senses." It takes time, lots of time. You have to grow and become stronger. Take comfort in the fact that no one can get a D over night. You have time. What you choose to do with that time is up to you.

Grow or touch the hot stove? Its your choice.