My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[Stronger]

RSF...she's in that relationship for now. You can do NOTHING about it on many many levels. You can't put your foot down because as you often say, you left, she moved on. You can beg her, you can't convince her.

You have one option and one option only: Back off.

Did you ask her how the event was? As if you two were truly friends?

[RedSoxFan]

Did you ask her how the event was? As if you two were truly friends?

I didn't ask her about the event. I'm afraid I couldn't fake my way through the conversation. From my jaded perspective it seemed like a bunch of drunk yayhoos at a campground celebrating the life of someone who died while riding drunk on a motorcycle. I can't believe she wanted to take our kids to an event like that.

see...I'm angry and jaded.

How can I stand by her and be her friend while she is sleeping with another man?? How does that work? How can she have any respect for me if I do that?

[RedSoxFan]

RSF...she's in that relationship for now. You can do NOTHING about it on many many levels. You can't put your foot down because as you often say, you left, she moved on. You can beg her, you can't convince her.

You have one option and one option only: Back off.

Did you ask her how the event was? As if you two were truly friends?

The biggest challenge I have right now is understanding and defining the balance between, back off/go dark and be her friend. It's killing me. I want to be a positive thing in hger mind and I want to be top of mind. How do I do that if I'm dark?

[Stronger]

Alright RSF---You REALLY have to shake this off. You HAVE to stop thinking about that relationship. It is soooo much bigger in your mind than it is in hers. She was told by you to move on. She was told this by you via your actions and your words....so guess what? She did.

That's where the respect part of this comes in. You got what you asked for. She didn't just up and leave you and go find this guy....you left first, so this respect stuff....blah, shouldn't play into it. I would be different if you were together and she has this affair....but it's not an affair. Yo broke up, she moved on, now you're fighting for your marriage. I actually respect you quite a bit. So forget those thoughts.

Stop thinking about it. I know, it's sooooo hard, but you have to.

If you want to call her and see how she's doing, then do it.

I think it's possible to work yourself into a tizzy and that's what you are doing. Call her and just say hi so you can freaking relax.

[aliveandkicking]

If so, it seems like there are easier ways to heal.

You have the option of choosing any way that works. The reality is that most of these marriages are irreparably damaged and most end. Almost everyone comes here totally devastated and desperate to save their marriages.

It happens once in a while and some reconcile and subsequently separate again.

This is not to depress you. Your sanity is more important than anything. But, you've got to buck up. YOu love her, you hurt her, sure you take a risk in trying to save your marriage, that is where the love comes in. You decide it is worth it and you do what you have to do.

I think loving her is respecting her enough to back off. What does love mean to you. Deciding now that you have to have her and on your timeline??? You think that's love but is it?

If you have a better path or plan, lay it out and do it and note how it works. I'm not being sarcastic, there are no rules.

But, you think you have control here and she is desperately trying to take and feel in control of her own life. Whether you get her back or not, you are taking something from her by making it all about you and how you just know now that it is better for her to be with you.

It takes time to process how hard this is and that you can only control yourself.

Again, pick a path and give it more than 3 days...this is LOVE we're talking about. If you thought it would work, would you do something hard for it?

This is your life, no one is saying you have to do anything, you just have to interject some logic in when you are so emotionally driven.

[RedSoxFan]

I think loving her is respecting her enough to back off. What does love mean to you. Deciding now that you have to have her and on your timeline??? You think that's love but is it?

[head hung in shame] no actually I don't think that is love.

Truth of the matter is when I'm really honest with myself...I'm scared sh*tless of the risk...I'm petrified to not be in control...and I don't know how to let my love for her guide me through this.

Once again, I've made everything about me. You're right. Maybe I'm just not capable of being a better person than that.

[aliveandkicking]

Once again, I've made everything about me. You're right. Maybe I'm just not capable of being a better person than that.

Don't make me hurl. YOu have kids, you're obviously a thoughtful guy. You have ample reason to make it about someone other than you...and in the end it is still about you because you need to be sane and functioning for you.

What would your fantasy game plan be? What would not being a better person be?

I think you have some notion of how you could get through this easy or more effectively...lay it out and you'll be better able to see the reality. You are not in control whether you are a better person or not.

Read this again- really read it.

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

[RedSoxFan]

What would your fantasy game plan be? What would not being a better person be?

I don't understand what you mean here.

I think you have some notion of how you could get through this easy or more effectively...lay it out and you'll be better able to see the reality. You are not in control whether you are a better person or not.

I do? Can you give me a little hint?

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

I honestly do not get what this means either.

[Stronger]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Alive is saying you can be a better person, if not for yourself, then for you kids. So it's time to start being the best person you can be.

What would your fantasy game plan be? That means if you were writing this story and you were COMPLETELY in charge of all that happens, including the outcome, what would it be?

You do have a notion as to how to make this easier on yourself. We've been telling you for weeks now....let her be. Back off. When you interact with her be positive.

And honestly, I have no idea what that quote means either. My brain is sort of fried lately.

[Stronger]

Here's something else for you RSF....maybe get your mind to slow down and go in a positive directions....Maybe your W is ready to dump this guy. Not because he's a bad person, or she doesn't like him, and maybe not because she plans to get back together with you, but maybe she does. Let's say she has every intention of dumping him, just not yet, because at this point, she is having some fun and it's relaxing and it's a break from reality. But sooner than later and she's preparing for it now, she is going to call it off with him.
Have you ever thought of it that way? She's not with him to punish you, it's just relaxing for her but she knows it's going nowhere and is now getting ready to call things off with him....and IF that's the case, you better leave her alone. Because if you push or complain about him, it's going to annoy her to a point you just push them together.