A Crossroads

[Can it work]

Sometimes I think things can hurt a little too much to even come on here and share them. I'm sure that most people on here have had their fair share of hurt though so I'm returning in the hope of finding something. I don't know what. A bit of moral support will probably all that's available.

The time has now arrived in my sitch that I truly consider my M over. Part of it's by circumstance, part by my own choice. I can no longer go on with hope in my heart as I can't cope with it getting broken all over again at every turn just when I think things are showing signs of improving.

I was out with a couple of my friends on Friday night for a couple of quiet drinks when my W was supposed to have Wee Man for the night. When I was on my way home I was more than a bit shocked and horrified to see my W all over some guy in the street across from a food place. I didn't know what to do. It ended up that I just walked away before I really did something I regret. Anyway, I was picking up Wee Man the next morning and I couldn't help but mention the fact that I'd seen her and thought she could have been a bit more subtle. I had been convinced the previous night that she had in fact seen me but continued anyway. I was hurt, and that's the understatement of the century.

On Sunday when my W was picking up Wee Man I decided that it was time to have a talk with her. I've been good since we separated more than 7 months ago and haven't brought the R up at all. Anyway, I had to lay it on the line. I had to find out if she thought there was anything still there that we may possibly be able to work on. She said absolutely not and she didn't think there would be at any time in the future. She's moved on. In a way I needed to hear that so I myself could move on.

The truth of the matter is that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends to keep me company every now and again but I need someone to share my feelings with. I need someone to show me love without walking all over my heart. Mostly, I need someone who appreciates me for who I am.

I also worry about my son. What kind of world is he being brought in to where his mother can act like that in the middle of the street? I've seen her do it once. How often is it happening that I don't know about?

I've been getting closer to one of my female friends although nothing has happened between us. I've always had my barrier up since I always thought there may still be a hope for my W and I. I think it may be time to let my barrier down though. I'm not talking about jumping straight in to another R, just not shutting myself off from the possibility like I have been.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, I'm sorry to hear about the new developments w/your W. That must have felt horrible seeing her like you did. Bravo, for not overreacting & for keeping your cool in such a difficult situation. Even though, it's not the DB way, sometimes having the R talk & finding out where you stand is for the best.

I feel the same way you do. Am lonely at times & want someone to share my feeling with. My heart is still very guarded though. Take the time to deal with these new feelings. It does get easier.

Stay strong!

[Can it work]

Thank you for your reply MsM. Every passing day does ease the pain again like it did last time. It was so fresh though, almost as if I'd just lost my W all over again. Still, it may be a blessing in helping me to move on. I'm still not sure that's what I want to do but I'd be completely delusional if I thought there was any hope for us now. I can't keep putting my life on hold for the slim chance that one day she's going to have a change of heart. I don't think I'm ready for another R just yet but maybe I will get there in the end. In the mean time I'm just going to have to continue being the best dad I possibly can be and keep treating my W with respect.

I've had an opportunity over the last couple of days to see my W at her most vulnerable again. I had to take some time off work to look after Wee Man because my W has come down with swine flu. The set-up we have at the moment with child care really does seem to work and we can get along fine. I now know however that getting along fine is not necessarily an indication of rekindled feelings. Still, we have to get along for the sake of Wee Man so that's just what we're going to do. It's his second birthday next month so we'll be having a bit of a party for him which we'll obviously both be at. It's hard to believe that it's going to be the first thing we've done with him together in nearly 9 months.

I've accepted the fact now that my M is truly over. It still hurts but I'm sure that will heal in time. At least I'm not going to be getting my hopes dashed any more. That made life harder all round. Maybe this is the true letting go of the rope that I should have done a long time ago.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Good to hear you are doing ok, for the most part. It does take time. Life, is not so bad. I realized I totally let go of the rope, when I really & truly had zero expectation that my M would work. For me, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I didn't really have to monitor myself, what I did or said. I could simply try to be my xh friend. That's all, that simple.

Wow! Wee man is turning 2 already! The terrible 2s that should be fun!

[Can it work]

I prefer to think they're going to be the terrific 2s MsM!! Easier to prepare for it that way. He's an angel so far though so that probably won't last. Still, it'll be an adventure however it turns out.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Just checking in on you. How are you doing?

[Can it work]

Hi MsM

Not a lot to report these days. Just been working away and looking after Wee Man whenever I get the opportunity. Still stuck in this rut I suppose. I'm trying my hardest to detatch from my W in my own mind and still finding it hard. I can't help but let the things she does affect me. I'm not showing any of this to her obviously but I'm still in turmoil inside.

She moved a friend of hers in to her house recently aftet her friend broke up with her fiance. I'm not best pleased about it because it's yet another person being involved in my son's life in a big way. It doesn't help that I didn't trust or like this particular friend of my W's when we were together. I have to learn to let it go though as there's nothing I can do about it. It's her house and her life and gone are the days where she'd want to hear my opinion about anything.

On a more positive note, I'm doing my first ever half-marathon on Saturday. I'm a bit nervous about it but also really excited to see how well I can manage it. It's hard to believe now that this time last year I'd be lucky if I could run for 13 yards, let alone 13 miles!! I'm also planning a mountain biking trip with some friends to the Scottish Highlands soon so I'm looking forward to that too.

One of my female friends is looking to set me up with another friend of hers this weekend too. I don't for a moment take it seriously but it could be fun to see what kind of crazy schemes she has in mind! Who knows, I may even be pleasantly surprised. Someone once said that in order to get over one partner, you have to get under another!! Lol, not the most DB friendly statement I'm sure but there may be a small bit of truth in it. I know in myself that I've reached the moving on part of the DB process. I can no longer hang any hope on my M as it will eventually send me mad. Live life for now and let the future take care of itself!!

Kev

[Can it work]

My W told me last night that she's now got herself a new boyfriend. So, it's official. I really don't know how to cope now or how to deal with this. I don't know how others on this page cope with this.

My problem doesn't stem so much with my W being with someone else though although that does hurt. I'd already accepted that it was bound to happen sooner or later. My main problem is a couple of things. Firstly, this new man has already started spending time with Wee Man. My W told me as much. I don't know how I'm going to cope in the knowledge that effectively some other man is going to be spending more time with my son than I am.

Secondly, for the last 4 years, all family occasions have been spent with my W's family which I absolutely loved. Truth be told I don't really have anyone else where I live. It was bad enough that I was facing the prospect of Christmas alone but now I have to deal with the fact that there's a fair chance her new man is going to take my place spending Christmas with my son and the only real family I've known in the last few years! It's absolutely detroying me!

Anyway, as you can all tell, I'm not doing very well right now and would really appreciate some feedback. Thank you for listening.

Kev

[saffie]

Can It work,

I am sorry I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but I wanted you to know that you have cyber friends out here. I was so mad when I found out that when my H had his A and he took out three of my four children on two different occasions with OW and her two children. The children didn't know about the A but even so it still makes my blood boil so I know I would feel awful in your sitch. (((((((HUGS)))))))

Remember though that your son is young and adaptable and that to him everything is always 'normal' as long as those around him are happy and there is no tension. Also this new 'BF' might turn out to not be such a great guy with your W and it might just show her what she gave up when she left you. Personally, I think it takes an awful lot for one guy to take on another guy's child. Don't make this R bigger than it is in your head. You will always be your son's father and you will always have that connection with your W and her family.

My H's parent's split and both found new partners and yet they all still managed to get along well enough for the childrens sakes to always accomodate all sides at those annual special occasions; just give this time to settle and remember to breathe.

[Can it work]

Thank you so much for your reply Saffie.

I think one of the main fears I have about this new BF is that since he could possibly be spending more time with my son than I am, he could become a huge part of his life and make me almost redundant. It's probably a silly fear as I take on board what you say about the possibility of this R being bigger in my head. I've always been one to look at the worst case scenario though. They're going to be doing all the family things together which I really believe Wee Man needs whereas when I see him, it will just be the two of us and never as long as I would like. It's my son's age that worries me too. Because of the limited access I have to my son, I'm worried that he starts to see the BF as more of a father figure than me. He's too young to understand fully and if they make a connection I could all of a sudden become a minor player in his eyes. That's the ultimate fear anyway. Hopefully it will never go that far but I just wanted to vent my fears a little.

On a positive note, my FIL is coming to visit tonight and my MIL says she's looking forward to catching up soon over a glass of wine. I don't even know if they've met the BF yet but I'll certainly not be bringing it up in conversation. I long ago realised that as pleasant as they are with me, they're never going to take my side over their daughter.

Kev