In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Hey road,

Not sure why, but it just seems that all the reasoning ends up being the same. After last saturday when she said, "I'm done" again in the morning. This was after I had it and started it with her at 3am when she walked in the door. The week before it was 4am. Didn't say anything last week. I just get tired of the kids asking where is mommy, when is she coming home.

I did ask her to go to Retrouville a short time later. not sure if you heard of it. A Catholic Marriage Encounter weekend in October. She agreed. Not sure why. I told that you need to have an open mind. She said I will. Not sure what will come of it, but it is better than nothing..

I find if I am able to act happy, things go well. Good luck on "The Road Back."

[d1adsl5a]

Gina,

I did laugh. I love that question, is something wrong. I love when my W asks if something is wrong. I just want to say what the hell do you think, but I usually just let that one roll off. Sounds like you are on a roller coaster ride with your H.

I would agree that I don't know how they can look themselves in the mirror after the crap they say to us. We just have to take it. If we blow up, you know where that leads. She wants this double life that is for sure.

I can't even lay next to my wife anymore. I have slept on the couch for the last month. I find myself either having a hard time falling asleep next to her or waking up in the middle of the night thinking about things. I find not sleeping in the same room has made a huge difference. There is not physical contact anyway. Hasn't been since this started. I wish there was at least a hug--nothing. Don't know how someone can just turn every emotion off instantaneously. But she has. Sounds like there is at least some emotion between you two..

I mentioned earlier after another 3-4am evening for her, I started the argument. We have 3 sons. One has been sick and she still chooses to stay out. Well last sat nite, she said she's moving out, then she says you move out. Then she said I am done..Have heard this now for past couple months. Then preceded to say, you need to find someone else..

Later in the AM, she I asked her to go to Retrouville(catholic marriage encounter). She agreed. And agreed to have an open mind. Not sure why, but we will see.

Detaching--not there yet by a long shot.

[ginab1966]

OMG...she agreed? Wow, here an my H must be reading the same book. He agreed to go too. We're going on the 18th of this month. I have to give you credit for sleeping on the couch. I almost slept in my bed last night but just couldn't. I went back into his. See, he moved out of our bedroom when I moved back into the house. So, we have two. The one we used to sleep in and the new one that he made and he won't sleep in the old one but wants us to sleep together (not sure why)so I sleep in "his room". He even calls it "his room".

There is so much that I want and need in this relationship and right now, it seems like all I'm doing is bending and forgiving and letting things slide off....and it's taking all the strength I have. But, as Michelle says, whatever happens I will know that I literally did every last thing I could to save our marriage.

I'm really pleased that my husband has been a great Dad through this all. With the exception of wanting to divorce me. I left (taking Daughter w/ me) but I never wanted a divorce.

I'm not detached by any means either. I try and I do a pretty good job most days but he's been home all day and my mind has been on what he's doing and why I didn't get asked to lunch and why he didn't call me and was he looking at porn.....bad, Gina, bad Gina. I can't control any of that....so why am I obsessing over it. Because I'm emeshed like the co-dependant that I am. I'm so happy I found co-dependants anonymous. It really is helping. I'm no where near where I need to be but I am a damn site further than where I was. I was unable to breath at times. Now, I can say there are parts of my week that are downright happy. Especially the time with my daughter. I try not to fear the future but it's hard.

Just know that I'm thinking of you and the boys and praying for them. I'll let you know how Retro goes. If you go before the 18th, let me know..ok? I'm really excited for both of us. Now, lets not dwell on all the rest but be happy they are going. Lets put some positive vibes out there and see if they might just come back to us. What can it hurt, right?

Take good care of yourself.

Gina B

[theroadback]

d1 I have gone through that, blow ups at 3am, woke her up on several occasions frustrated, on and on. the only thing it does is give her more power over you. Do not pursue her.

I know you may not feel like it but you should be going out one night a week also, stay out till 4am, hell 5am, leave her with the kids. What’s good for the goose...you know ...

Do you work out? that really helped me, also hobbies and friends you need to pull this power away from her.
Let her feel it gone and I think you will see a change.

The retro thing is really good from what I hear.
The problem is that with you wanting to go, I guess it is pursuing but maybe in this case it is worth it.

If it were me, just me, I am not saying to do this, just trying to give you an example of the attitude you need. After you start going out (gal'ing) tell her that you changed your mind about retro. I would tell her that you don’t feel like going right now. maybe later if she wants to.... that may get her attention I don’t know.

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Road,

I do work out every morning. Been lifting for years. It is definitely my therapy. I would love to go out till 4am, I just don't think I could make it. I am getting old. I should give it a try.

I do feel that the Retrou is something that we need to do. It isn't until October 23rd. The next one isn't until December. Not sure I can wait that long. There is a dinner function every year. I slipped up today. She invited me to it on Sept. 27th. Jokingly, I asked are you invititing me?? She said yes I am inviting you. Shocked, I said Jokingly sure I will go. I know I should have said no. But I didn't.

Anyway, there are 3 birthday parties coming up with my friends. I asked her if she planned on attending. She is still not seeing any of my friends or family because she is well aware they have judged her and think she is crazy.

She actually said let me think about it(that is a first in 4 months). It is normally a no right away. She still said no, but that is a bit of a difference.

It is amazing the little things that you try to read into at this stage of the game. You feel silly sometimes.

[theroadback]

Don't feel silly, everyone does it. You are suppose to look for positive changes, it lets you know you are on the right track.

Also I do not think you slipped up on the invite. I think understand what you are saying, you do not want to be too available which is good. The thing is that she knows you are available, you have nothing going on. If you would have refused she may just taken that as you being mean.

Just try and be cool about it and maybe later when you start going out with your friends or whatever you just may have plan’s on that day so it is ok to take a rain check.

What ever you do don’t act like an excited puppy dog waiting to go for a ride…

Sucks we have to play this stupid game. We should be relaxing and enjoying our kids instead of going through this crap. The sooner you drop that rope (let her go) and GAL the better.

Check out thinkers thread.

[d1adsl5a]

It has been such a good week. Haven't really had an argument at all. Been acting happy(and actually being happy sometimes) all week. Even had a good day today. Went and bought a tv with the wife and kids. The one in our(her) room broke. Took them out to dinner. My W is going out tonight with her Divorce pals. On the way home, the kids were bugging her and me quite a bit in the car just carrying on. Trying to empathize with her, I said that I bet you can't wait to go out tonight. That threw her into a rage....I said why don't we talk about how that made you feel instead of yelling at me. That is the thing that didn't work before. You yell, your issue doesn't register with me, I try to calm you down.

Then I get, I am still sarcastic all the time. She defines my sarcasm is making a joke to try and lighten the mood.

She is angry that I have made a big deal about her going out all the time--I wanted to say something there, but I didn't.

She is angry that she is unhappy in the marriage..

I was like she was waiting for me to say something the wrong way so she can pounce on me...

I am tired of this too...Tired of being yelled at. I am not the punching bag for her problems..

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Gina B,

Just checking in. How have things been going?

[ginab1966]

hey you...i was checking in on your thread to see how things have been going for you and found this waiting here for me. Thanks so much for asking.

Well, we are still on track for Retrouvaille on the 18th and I'm really holding out a lot of hope for that to give me/us some tools. We have had some fun family times. We are back in the same bed with a bit of intimacy here and there. I would like to say that I'm encouraged and have a bit more hope than I had. He will not agree to get the retainer of $1,500 from the mediator as he said that is his security blanket and it's easier for him to try and work on the marriage when he's got a way out. We are so strapped for cash that I am really stuggeling to undersand the logic..but...I'm doing the best I can.

Righ now, we're having an issue with his computer addiction rearing it's ugly head. I'm struggleing with that too. I love this man but his computer/gaming addiction is one of the big issues we've had in our relationship. I want to address the issue but I'm also having a really hard time with the idea of getting into something so "red button" as this so early in our re-connection. It's hard.

Have you signed up for Retrou yet? You are doing the right things. Stay as happy as you can, focus on you and the kids, don't be a doormat, be patient, try to control the one thing that you can...YOU.

We can do this!!!! I think it's important for us to know that we really are in control of this situation...we always were. It just looks like they are and feels like they are but THEY are the ones in Limbo. We ahve a very clear objective...to save our family. They are on the edge swaying back and forth. We just have to stay on our path.

Take good care....I'll keep you updated and you do the same, ok? My thoughts are with you..

Gina B

[d1adsl5a]

I will Gina B. Thanks. We are going to Retrou Oct 23rd. Not sure she is interested all that much yet on fixing herself. She was to go see a new therapist this week to work on herself..She cancelled becasue she had to work. She new about work and the appointment for a couple weeks. She could have changed it if she wanted, but she didn't...

Strange thing happened this week. Her asking me to sleep in the bed again. Been on the couch for 2 months. Just couldn't do it yet. I don't want to seem like she says jump and I say how high...I don't think it is because any intimacy would be forth coming. She said that she thought the couch is uncomfortable and we can both be adults about this. I just I can't yet because sleeping on the couch reminds me of where we are. Really, it is just hard sleeping next to someone knowing they have rejected you...I did give her a temperature check the other day when I asked her that the door is open, she can leave anytime. She said, she wants to work on herself(it has been 4 months-what the hell is she doing?). Sorry, I digressed. But that would be the first time I haven't gotten: Too little Too Late, I want a D, I'm done, etc...

It is funny when you have these conversations how one has a tendancy to over analyze the simple words or actions of people.

Computer addiction? Lets see, hang out with the family or look on the computer. What is he looking at on the computer? I always wondered about that with people. Sounds like he is trying to hide away in another little world. I try and spend my time with kids. She also refuses to do anything with my friends or family. So for the next few weekends she will be spending the day alone or with her divorced friends while I take our sons to the different events with my family and friends.

My wife spends a fair amount of time on facebook and houses. I am not an idiot, I know she is looking at costs of houses if we ever divorce. Sounds like a little progress is being made. Looking forward to hearing how Retrou goes for you.

Take Care.