Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

Wow EB. It seems we have a very similiar sitch. My W plans on moving out next week and has a place already. I haven't read your whole thread, but will try when I get a chance. I am emotionally in the same place as you; we can only hope. Good luck. I will check in from time to time.

I have read some of yours.

Sorry that we meet in a place such as this. I am really thankful that this place is here though.

I went and opened a new checking account yesterday. Most of our bills are set up to be automatically deducted from the old one, so I have a lot of work to do there. W always handled the finances.

I just can't say it enough. This is so surreal. Numb. How are you handling it?

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks GIMA.

I guess that's the only thing that I can do at this point. Good suggestions on how to word it too.

I have noticed that we seem to communicate best when it's written (best for her, I like to talk). I should send something like this to her, but I will wait until tomorrow. It's just too much today.

It's so counter to what I have always thought to do. I always thought that a woman would want to be fought for, told "I'll never give up on you." Guess not.

I am sure that there are a ton of women out there who would love to have a guy like me. I have a lot to offer. It just seems so wrong to even go with that thought though. I got married to be with only one woman for the rest of my life.

Still surreal. Still numb. Still waiting to wake up and have my W tell me this is all a bad dream.

[givingitmyall]

It's so counter to what I have always thought to do. I always thought that a woman would want to be fought for, told "I'll never give up on you." Guess not.

There is some truth in your statement. But, I have come to realize they want someone they RESPECT to fight for them. A woman will not love a man she does not respect. I'm proof of that. What are the things that caused her to lose respect for you? Not all your fault, but if you can change those, you can start earning back her respect.

I am sure that there are a ton of women out there who would love to have a guy like me. I have a lot to offer. It just seems so wrong to even go with that thought though. I got married to be with only one woman for the rest of my life.

SO DID I. But, the woman I am roomates with right now is NOT the woman I M'd. Same goes for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with envisioning what might be in the way of another woman in your life in the future. For me, I chose not to act on that thought while I'm M'd. But, nothing wrong with considering the possibility.

And, ask yourself, what if in 6-12 months from now, I AM in a R with a beautiful, fantastic, warm, caring woman? How will I feel then when I look back on how I am feeling right NOW?

Still surreal. Still numb. Still waiting to wake up and have my W tell me this is all a bad dream.

I understand this, b/c I have been there. So have MANY people here. It is surreal. It does feel like you are living a nightmare. This, too, shall pass.

Get your grief out, then get back to working on you and detaching. You will find strength you never knew existed. You will be a better person. You will like yourself more than you ever have before.

[Coach]

I read so much about clingyness and neediness and I have to be careful here too. I never knew it was such an issue for women. I thought they were always looking for someone more sensitive and emotionally available. I've always tried to share my thoughts, dreams and fears with W much as it sounds like you have. I thought love is unconditional. W is supposed to love me forever. I shouldn't have to act like "Billy Badass" and try to impress her like I am wooing a 19 year old kid. I'm married to an adult woman who would appreciate me for providing, sacrificing, helping around the house, being a good father, keeping fit, and communicating thoughts and feelings with her.

Clingy and needy does not equal sensitive and emotionally available. The connection is gone. To remedy this you are the one who signed up to do the work. You wife is not here asking for advice. We can only respond to you.

You are being watched right now. If you crumble under the stress it will validate her opinion of you currently. You control your thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions. You can waste all the energy you have wondering what she is thinking, why she acting this way and what her next move is, or you can thrive for yourself and show her what she is missing. The choice is yours. You can handle it.

Cheers

[tristan]

I just can't say it enough. This is so surreal. Numb. How are you handling it?

I am in the same place. Numbness is wearing off, but she hasn't moved out yet. I am guessing it will come back then.

I am handling it by doing what my IC and many of the people on this board tell me to do. I especially look at the advice from Robx, Coach, Puppy, and Gucci - they seem to be very respected on these boards and their advice is often collaborated with my IC. It isn't easy, it does not feel right, but at least I feel like I am doing something. And I am also not taking the perspective that I must save my marriage anymore. I just want to feel better. If it saves the marriage - great. If not, at least I will feel good about where I am.

I only listen to christian radio anymore. Not so much for the Jesus stuff, but the hope and faith music is much better to be listening to than the love songs on the other stations given where we are at in life.

[givingitmyall]

And I am also not taking the perspective that I must save my marriage anymore. I just want to feel better. If it saves the marriage - great. If not, at least I will feel good about where I am.

BINGO!

I only listen to christian radio anymore. Not so much for the Jesus stuff, but the hope and faith music is much better to be listening to than the love songs on the other stations given where we are at in life.

Since everything hit the fan, I have started up reading my Bible again and delve into a daily devotional each morning. This has helped me tremendously.

[Energizer Bunny]

I only listen to christian radio anymore. Not so much for the Jesus stuff, but the hope and faith music is much better to be listening to than the love songs on the other stations given where we are at in life.

That's funny. I have been doing exactly the same thing.

I have to admit that I didn't even know there were Christian stations around here until this. It's nice to hear messages about faith and hope. It makes me feel a little lonely. You're dead on about the damn love songs. They're a bit too much for me right now.

[Orich]

My W turned me on to country music, which I love! But now, can you imagine? It is something we did together, go to country shows, watch country videos on TV, listen in our car, and on top of that, it's almost all about losing love, cheating spouses and broken hearts! I can't listen to it anymore!
I listen to a lot of talk radio and podcasts. There are great inspirational podcasts, as well as some really good comedy ones.

[Energizer Bunny]

Clingy and needy does not equal sensitive and emotionally available. The connection is gone. To remedy this you are the one who signed up to do the work. You wife is not here asking for advice. We can only respond to you.

You are being watched right now. If you crumble under the stress it will validate her opinion of you currently. You control your thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions. You can waste all the energy you have wondering what she is thinking, why she acting this way and what her next move is, or you can thrive for yourself and show her what she is missing. The choice is yours. You can handle it.

Cheers

As always Coach, you're right.

She has seen a lot of these changes. She has even commented on them. Her reasons keep changing though. She said that if she stayed and tried to work on things we'd just be back here in a couple of years anyway. That seems to be her biggest fear.

She may say that she "can't be her real self around me...doesn't like who she is when she is with me...has been living a lie...just doesn't like my personality...thinks that I am a selfish person...wants to be young and carefree while she still can..." whatever, but it still seems that the biggest thing is that she doesn't think that changes will last. (I think she wants me to be more of a 19 year old party guy, but that just isn't me...more chilled out, sure, but I'm just not the close out the bar every Saturday kind of person)

The only thing I can do is to continue to live the changes.

[Energizer Bunny]

Country music would be the worst right now. You got that right.

My W listens to it. Funny, she is so shut off over the past 7 weeks that romance somgs don't even bother her. She has convinced herself so much that she is doing the right thing that it doesn't even seem to bother her what she is doing. She seems to look forward to it.

It seemed to get to her Monday night when S7 was crying uncontrollably, but she found a way to blame it on me! She cried from seeing him sad, but it seemed to only strengthen her resolve. It gave a kind of "See I can't live like this anymore" kind of vibe.

Huh? The reason that this is happening is because you are breaking up our family! Live like this? I don't want to either. I just want to figure out what it takes to make things great!

I think I've reached a point that it's easier to let it go though. We aren't going as up and down as we used to. She is just so cold. Shut off.