WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Well she's in La-La land.

No sense in looking for sanity in insanity.

That is so true.

I spent the better part of the nite talking with friends and family. It was an early nite as I got to bed before 1:30 AM.

I'm sure she's not losing any sleep over this and I have to keep this in mind as I have been sleeping only 3.5 to 4.5 hours/nite. I know I can't keep that up.

I didn't get to the gym last nite either as when I got her email, I was agitated and had talked to one of my close friends. He talked me down as he made me realize that she is no longer a person that I can rationalize with. So why waste my time trying to get her to see my side.

I do own my side of this problem where I've made her feel unloved. I know now, that people, this is a deep hurt. I didn't know I was doing that as I had tried to love, honor and cherish her the best that I knew how. That was a mistake on my part. It was not a deliberate act to make her feel that way.

Her decision to cheat on me and lie about it is a deliberate act. She has justified it in her mind and feels she has made the right choices.

I can not control what she thinks and how she feels. I continue to remind myself that I can only control what I think and how I feel. I control my happiness.

Scary part of last nite wasn't even related to my situation, but when I was chatting with one of my close friends, he talked about his marriage. My wife and I had gone to their wedding last year. I had thought we had a good time, but she had complained about how it was not romantic enough and disappointed her. I can't live in the past, but it gets me mad that she never said anything about it back then.

Anyway, my close friends started saying very similar things about his relationship as my wife started spewing out after she had told me she filed for divorce this year. I told my friend I was very concerned. I told him that I was going to send him some books that really helped me and would have helped my wife and I if we had read them earlier.

They don't have kids and he said that, while he wants one, he doesn't think that his marriage will last the length of time to really support children. His parents were divorced as well and it was a very ugly divorce. I told him that I was glad that he was thinking that broadly.

I had wished my wife thought that before we had our second son, but the other side of the coin, I love both boys and do look upon them as the greatest thing that has come out of our marriage.

So I do feel better today after all the angst of the last two days. I do have waves of ups and downs, but I seem to have come off the lows.

Thanks for all the prayers and support