Divorce not busted 3

[Orich]

Thanks for all the input.
Scifigirl, I read your post on codependancy. While I'll admit that I do tend to derive my happiness through my W, I don't think I am as bad as your post suggests. I never thought that I was under appreciated, or that I was taken advantage of. I never self-worshipped, either. The way I look at it is that I have always had self-esteem issues, and when I found a woman who loved me, it "fixed" that issue. In that sense, what I fear most about splitting up is being lonely, that I will never find someone who would love me again. When we were doing well, it was never about me. I was studying for the Diaconate, and couldn't have done that without her support. I made sure that anyone who asked knew that I relied on her to be able to do it. I wanted people to know how truly wonderful she was, that she would make certain sacrifices for me. My problem was that after a while, I began to take her for granted. I got lazy figuring she would just pick up the slack. I don't think that fits neatly into what you are saying.
Maybe I understand co-dependancy incorrectly, but I thought it meant only that I couldn't derive happiness without the person I became dependent on, which is true for me.
Truly, my wife is a great person. She has her issues, and I think they have a lot to do with what's going on between us, but I have contributed to the problems as well. I think my difficulty with detachment is partly because I feel like my happiness is dependent on her, which I have to work on, but also because I know I hurt her and I feel guilty about that.
I don't know if i am explaining myself well, but basically I think where I need help is in realizing my own self worth.
In that vein, I am trying very hard not to show this "stench of desperation". She had to have sensed excitement in me when I was telling her about the scouting meeting I went to, because I am truly excited about it. I think I have a lot to give to my sons and other boys in the pack. I am trying to think of other things to do/get involved in to further focus on myself. Right now, I have only that and the gym really. Since I did derive my happiness through my wife, I have had very few activities that I have done or been involved with outside the marriage. Everything I did for fun was with her. When we were first together, she used to tell me that she wanted a R like her brother, him and his wife were inseperable, they did everything together. This was obviously fine by me, but unfortunately I have nothing now other than some fishing with an old friend to keep me occupied with myself.
So, yeah, I am in a low right now, I understand that I have to detach, having problems there because of my relying on W for my happiness, and I am putting a lot of hope on the retro weekend.
As far as the weekend is concerned, I still believe that deep down she wants to not break up the family. She has put up walls to protect herself from me after I hurt her. I am hoping for no more than a crack in that wall so we can truly talk to each other and see if we can work it out. I am not expecting to leave the place hand in hand skipping down the road to a happily ever after.
If there is no crack by the end of the weekend I will certainly be upset. However, I think i won't end up curled up into the fetal position. I have my two sons who need a strong father, and I will not let them down.