To me it seems like he is just one of those forever unhappy people that doesn't know how to live with some sort of drama in his life. Sorry Kass...he seems very immature...I guess like most addicts are.
I hope you don't leave altogether. I will miss you. Please keep us updated.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Just catching up on you...So sorry it's turning out like this, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you...Take care of yourself and do what's best for you...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Hey Kass...been looking for you. Glad you posted on my thread. Hope you are doing well. Give an update if you can.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
One week after he walked out - he tells me that he didn't leave me - he just wasn't ready to move in. He admitted he overreacted when saying he was cancelling the move. He asked to put the move back in place. I said no. I asked that we talk in MC about our readiness and then plan. He refused the month to month on the basis of finances. (I guess he can't add the difference between a few extra months of payments vs a whole year) so he has put things off for another year.
We attended a MC session during this time and he walked out of the session calling me a liar for having a different view of what happened the night. The MC told me that it was his mistake in not preparing him enough to tolerate my view and it was his advice for H to leave a situation when he is upset. MC suggests that H will call back and he will work harder to stabilize him. He also wants to encourage H to walk away from sitch but not to make them permanent choices. Then MC told me that it does take a year for recovery and this behavior is to be expected.
Well, since then, H and I discussed what happened unsuccessfully again - he just doesn't want to accept that my version of things is just as viable as his. He assumes what I think and feel and refuses to accept that he can be wrong. So I have decided that I will not argue with him about how I think or feel. I also will not argue about how he thinks or feels (in other words, I won't try to change him)
So off to MC once more... not sure if it will help. During our talks this week it seems that H is very uncomfortable with our differences and doesn't think we can live together. He is used ot R where the couple sees everything the same way - but my question is - if he was drunk all those years - how distorted is his view of past R? Maybe if he were to be in those same R sober he wouldn't like them either. But he doesn't see that. I personally don't see anything wrong with the kind of differences we have for the most part.
I just don't know what to think... we argued all the time and he walked out almost every weekend for a long time. Then with his sobriety, we went three months with only two arguments that lasted less than 30 minutes. I really don't get why he felt so uncomfortable that he had to put things on major hold. Now he can't discuss anything without breaking into an argument. And for those who wonder if he is drinking - he did have a slip but is got back to meetings. My suspicion is that he stopped his AD's which do seem to manage his anger for the most part but I havent' asked and he has said anything.
Update: Last week was my BD, H didn't do anything except give me a card at work the day after. He did call that day to say he was sorry that things were not right with us so that we could go out. It reminded of last year - we were separated only a month before he wanted to try to work things out again. He took me out for my BD and then complained about how hard it was to be separated. Some BD dinner.
Next week is our anniversary can't wait to go through that one. Last year we went out to dinner - get this - dutch! b/c he was having trouble making his paycheck stretch. More complaining. I couldn't wait to get home that night and was angry with myself for agreeing to pay half. I would have been better off alone that night. Guess that will be how it goes this year.
We are not any closer to resolving anything this time - MC tried to tell H that if he doesn't change things soon he is going to lose me. I didn't say a word - MC came up with that one all on his own. H tells me that he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't see how we are going to fix things.
Can't see how either since he has refused to talk to me outside of MC now - everytime we try to talk - we argue now. MC tried to explain that we both have been hurt and we are both ultra sensitive at this point and need to back off to regroup. H's interpretation is that MC is saying that we are too hurt to heal.
I have tried to stay strong on my own. I can't imagine a future without him but I am closer to letting go than ever. Everytime we talk lately, I can't let him in - I have never been this way before with anyone. Given his problems... I am allowing time to solidify things one way or another.
In the mean time, I have made plans to do some work on the house again vs buying - I can have more security this way and not lose no matter what happens with my M or the kids (though I can't imagine either moving back - unless the one marries while still in school). I just don't feel right buying another home without H input. If I do change my mind next year to sell - it will be worth more with these changes - though the financing part is a bit tricky.
Keep me in prayers so I can be ok and we can both heal and move on in our lives - whatever that turns out to be.
