Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks Sandi,

I do believe I have the right attitude, but it IS terribly difficult maintaining a level head through this misery. Right now it’s all about getting to Retrouvaille. My patience will be tested over the next 45 days like no other time in my life. I’m up for the challenge simply b/c my kids deserve to have an intact family. If it weren’t for my kids, this marriage would have been over years ago…we were both unsatisfied.

About the pictures thing…I enjoy photography and printing photos…so this weekend when the W has the kids I’m going to print and frame 8x10 pictures of me and the kids and place them decoratively and tastefully throughout the house. If my W moves these photos…I’ll show her the front door. I think “blowing off steam” is the real reason why my W has taken down the pictures. She’s trying to show me that she’s going to be o.k. without me…that all of her memories of us are gone. She wants to shock me. Based on other BB posts, this is following WAS script. I’m over the initial shock of this and I simply see this as a childish ploy. Maybe my W is testing me to see how I react…she’s expecting me to overreact and I’m just not going to give her the satisfaction of pushing my buttons.

I did talk to an attorney yesterday and I plan to speak to two more attorneys by the end of this week. This first attorney urges to wait and see if my W files for divorce…. she simply may not go through with this course of action and is bluffing. If she does file; however, Florida Law is written in such a way that fathers have equal rights as mothers. It would be in our best interest if my W and I can agree on everything up front so that the divorce can run smoothly, minimizing costs.

I am still thinking about filing first, but I really don’t want to jeopardize Retrouvaille. Based on what Sara has said about the program, it may really help our situation simply b/c poor communication has been our relationship’s undoing. But I do agree with you that, over the next 45 days, I need to come up with a way to show her that I’m great about moving forward without her and am excited about being single again. Any suggestions other than filing for divorce myself? Maybe I should initiate divorce negotiations with her, but again, I don’t want to jeopardize Retrouville. It’s a risky proposition.

As far as sitting here and waiting…I’m GALing to my best abilities. Last Saturday I took the kids to Kennedy Space Center and had a blast. This weekend my W has the kids, but the following weekend I'm taking my son to an NFL football game in my hometown. I plan to do alot of golfing this weekend as well as maintenance stuff around the house. I love football…college football is starting this weekend. So I guess I have plenty of things to occupy my time. My friend suggested that I use a dating service like “Just for Lunch” to meet new and exciting women during this time…we’ll see about that.

Sandi, I am not a doormat. Just last night my W was being rude to me about me not putting away some of the groceries. At the time, I was putting away my daughter’s newly purchased pull-ups into her room. As I was returning to the kitchen, my W sarcastically thanked me about helping with the groceries. I called her on it saying “you have no right to talk down to me this manner…it will not be tolerated…I was simply helping out elsewhere.” It was like I was talking to a juvenile. Nonetheless, she did apologize, but I was pissed off and she knew it.

Thanks,
LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

I had an interesting conversation with my W tonight. It initially started about my daughter joining me and my son for our NFL weekend. The football weekend was supposed to be a "guy" weekend. I said it's difficult for me to travel alone with two kids...the airports are not kid friendly. My W mentioned that she needs that weekend to wrap up an account she's working on. My W feels that I'm trying to take the kids from her in the event of a divorce and she also believes I'm out to hurt her career.

So here are some of the highlights of how our conversation went from there:

Me: I do not want to take the kids from you in the event of a divorce. I believe the kids should see their parents on an equal basis. In the event of a divorce, I want for things to be as amicable as possible...dividing everything 50/50. My preference is for us to save our marriage and be happy together, but if that's not possible, I'm ready for our divorce. I want you to be happy...and I want to be happy as well. I also want you to be very successful in your career. We have all sacrificed alot over the years for your career, so for you to now fail or give up would make all of our past sufferings in vain. I want you to be happy and successful.

W: I want things to be amicable also. The kids should have equal time with their parents. In our previous conversations, you were very convincing that you wanted to hurt me.

Me: I don't want to hurt you. I love you...but I think it's too late for that kind of stuff now.

W: If you only would think about what you say before you say it...things could have been different.

Me: I understand. The ball is in your court. I'm prepared for your eventual decision, regardless of what that decision may be.

It was at this time that I saw my W's "wicked coldness" disappear. We were actually communicating again. I told her that I would take our daughter with me. My W smiled and thanked me. She's under alot of stress at work right now.

I then proceeded to talk, in a very nice manner, about the changes I want to make to our house once we do divorce. I am planning to buy the house from my W so that the kids can have continuity through this divorce. Among the items I am planning include (1) building a swimming pool and summer kitchen in the backyard, (2) installing hardwood flooring in many of the rooms, and (3) adding new landscaping to the front yard. I was planning my future, a future that didn't include my W. I told her of my vision about how the new backyard would provide me a wonderful setting to spend alot of time with the kids.

I saw disappointment in her eyes as I described this new future for me and the kids. I then asked her, as a courtesy of being married for 12 years, that she could notify me of a divorce filing rather than receive it from a courier. She agreed. I didn't say much beyond that b/c it was bedtime for the kids. I said goodnight to my W and headed to my bedroom.

I'm not sure if what I said was the right thing to say or not, but it was honest and it came from my heart. It was a very calm discussion. I continue to pray that my W stays committed to Retrovaille and that our marriage can be saved.

-LFH

[Sara]

LFH,

You can't ride two horses with one behind. Since you have both agreed to go to Retrouvaille, can't you both stop the talk of divorce until you do the weekend? The weekend gives you lots of time to think individually and together. I'm not saying that it will definitely make your mind up for you, but when it is over you will have a lot of new information and new feelings. And then you can think on this again.

Pursuing divorce, talking to lawyers, hardens your feelings. Going to Retrouvaille and talking about feelings does the opposite. So why would you spend the 6 weeks leading up to Retrouvaille creating obstacles that you will then spend the weekend breaking down?

Agree to disagree. It's 6 weeks. You have agreed to go. So for 6 weeks, you just get along. You cook, clean, take care of the kids, work, talk about the kids, the weather, etc... and you let this wait.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Sara…thank you for your response.

There is an interesting dynamic between me and my W. When I pursue/chase, she has a tendency to withdraw and become cold and angry with me. When I distance myself from my W, she begins to be nicer and talkative. I don’t know why this is the case, I surmise Sandi and Gucci can provide us a detailed dissertation on the topic. Either way and in retrospect, I was showing my W that I didn’t want a divorce, but if a divorce is inevitable, it’s not going to kill me and that I’m going to have a nice future without her. I still want to us to go to Retrovaille b/c it appears to be our only hope for reconciliation.

Now the dynamic has changed again…my W has been very talkative with me since our discussion last night. She smiled at me while we were sitting on the couch last night. She even called me on my way into work this morning to talk about the kids. She probably is starting to sense that she may be actually losing a “diamond in the rough” by leaving me…who knows. All I know is that this dynamic works in our situation.

In regards to attorneys, last week my W did say she received legal documents from her attorney and would be filing for divorce this week. She may be bluffing…then again she may not be bluffing. Either way, I felt it was in my best interest to find out what my rights our in this particular situation. I do not want a divorce nor do I want to file myself. Filing will be up to my W…if she doesn’t want to work towards repairing this marriage, she will need to accept responsibility for her decision by filing herself. I do not want this burden.

I understand what you are saying. Now the my W and I have had this conversation, I going to do exacty what you are suggestiong...be cool, nice, and helpful during the next 6 weeks. I think the stage has been set. I can do it!

Thanks,
LFH

[ginab1966]

I just wanted to chime in here since you were so sweet to chime in on my sitch.

There is a box in the room next to me. Everything that symbolizes our marriage is in that box. The knife we used to cut the cake, the plate he wrote "Gina, will you marry me on" and put it under my food at Outback, the picture that everyone signed as a guestbook at the wedding...EVERYTHING. I have to do laundry all the time in that rooma and looking at that box day in and day out makes my stomach physically upset.

Right now, I"m thinking of that box but I'm also thinking that you and I have less than 30 days left to what might make all the difference, and our spouses in the same home. God, that has to count for something. And God will give us both the strength to endure. He endured suffering beyond our comprehension so that we would be set free....this is a cake walk with him beside us. We need to get down on our knees and thank him and be grateful. Praise him in the storm!!! Especially in the storm.

Gina B

[Looking_For_Help]

I was having a pretty decent day yesterday until around 6:30 p.m. My W was taking the kids for the weekend to her parent's lake-place. As she was loading the kids in her SUV, my five year old son decided that he didn't want to leave me behind. Oh boy did he pitch a fit. "I want daddy to go" in a loud crying voice is all he could say. It broke my heart...big time. This saga went on for just a few minutes, but it felt like hours to me.

Previously, I had taught my kids the "Little Light of Mine" song to sing whenever they missed me or were afraid...to make them feel better. So that's what we sang as I buckled the kids into their seats. My W sat silently in her driver's seat while this saga unfolded. After I buckled the kids in, settled them down, and kissed them goodbye...I closed their doors and headed for my car. My W started to pull out of the garage and then beeped the horn and waved to say goodbye to me. With all of this calamity, I had forgotten to say goodbye to my W. I waved back and jumped into my car to do some shopping. I was not happy!

So, for the rest of that evening, I went to the local golf store to demo new golf clubs. I must have hit several hundred golf balls last night to vent my frustration and anger. I felt alot better afterwards. This morning was spent golfing...and I had a blast.

I'm GALing the best I can this weekend. This afternoon was spent watching college football as well as spending some time at the gym. This evening I plan on going to a sports bar to catch the Gator game.

I'm really focused on keeping myself busy this weekend as not to be consumed with my freaking situation. We'll see...I feeling pretty solid right now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I was not served with divorce papers this past week like my W threatened two weeks ago. Just 41 days to go till Retrovaille. I can do it!.

-LFH

[sandi2]

Yes, you can!

[givingitmyall]

This evening I plan on going to a sports bar to catch the Gator game

Darn, just when I was starting to like you. Just kidding, but Go Dawgs!!

You sound good man. Not what you want, I know, but you are controlling it, not the other way around. Stay busy. You can do this.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey Sandi and GIMA,

I hope you guys are enjoying your Labor Day weekend.

Sandi: Thanks for your vote of confidence. Just an observation...I have noticed a change in my W's demeanor ever since I shared my future plans with the house. She's more willing to talk with me, even though it's just about the kids. Also, she waved goodbye yesterday as she was pulling out of the garage. I'm usually the one saying the "hellos and goodbyes", not her. This may just be my imagination...or this could be her starting to warm up again (baby steps). What do you think? Either way, I guess it doesn't change what I have to do over the next 41 days.

GIMA: I noticed you were a Dawgs fan several days ago. It's going to be fun watching the season unfold! The Dawgs are looking pretty good so far agaist Oklahoma State.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

GIMA: I noticed you were a Dawgs fan several days ago. It's going to be fun watching the season unfold! The Dawgs are looking pretty good so far agaist Oklahoma State.

Yep. Went to college there. But, my dad played football for the Gators.

Also, she waved goodbye yesterday as she was pulling out of the garage. I'm usually the one saying the "hellos and goodbyes", not her. This may just be my imagination...or this could be her starting to warm up again (baby steps).

I had the same experience. It is a baby step, and may be related to your actions. Just keep it up to find out.