UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Oz
Well, not quite sure how I am travelling today. Not as bad as yesterday, I don't think but don't know what's made that any different as I have been holed up here for the past few days and made no effort to go out or even do anything. I have loafed about in my jim-jams and played Harrod's Doorman to the moggies who are in and out, incessantly - it's their attempt at getting me some exercise, I think!

Despite being on Dark Day Seven, I have decided that to answer H's email is probably a sensible thing, after reading lots of comments about detaching. Will leave it until this afternoon though as it will be almost 48hrs since he let me know he's back on his old email address. I shall just reply "OK - thanks" and leave it at that. The temptation to ask when he is coming around or can we have a phone call is immense but I shall not succomb.

I guess that underneath my tough Cancerian Crabby exterior, I am lurking the thoughts of when it is that H is going for his vacation - I also can't imagine why he told me about it, other than to know that it would get me fired up, as it has, although I have not shown him that. It's a selfish act to tell someone this information when he knows that I don't have two cents to scratch myself with. Still, I have checked and the money that I forwarded toward the mortgage this month has now hit our joint account, so I am hoping that he makes up the difference. If he does not, that's when we could really run in to trouble. H's money is due into the joint account within four days but my persoanl account is now totally cleaned out.

No plans for today - can't be bothered and so will continue to allow myself to mope in an upbeat kind of way! I have refocused for tomorrow though and I shall go out and weed'n'feed the lawns, feed the plants, do a genreal tidy up in the front and side gardens (to enhance what I did earlier in the week) and then go to the accountant in the afternoon to get my tax return lodged. This is the big 180 that H will not be expecting! I'm sure that he is still waiting on the call for me begging him to do it soon, as the end of the month cut off demands and he knows that I was very concerned about.

Last night, I felt that H was not here as he is on an extended work trip and he would be home soon. I found myself telling the cats "don't worry, Daddy will be home in a while - we just need to let him have some space right now - let's all say Goodnight Daddy - we love you" ... and then I sighed at my stupidity. I can only cope for short bursts and then I slide down the greasy pole again ... fast.