WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

I do notice some kind of effect this is having on her. I will stick with it mostly because it is helping me let go. I was starting to look forward to getting child support and having my girls stay with me in my apartment more than once every 2 weeks. I guess I will just have to wait and see where this takes me.



futureunknown, wow, thank you for your insight! I have been doing all kinds of "acts of service" for months now,should I stop them? Should I confront her on the EA? I have not decided yet.

[futureunknown]

I think the acts of service should stop, or at least minimized greatly, and only done at YOUR convenience. She is saying she wants to D you, so move on, show her you are fine without her, and that you're not available to her anymore, except at your convenience. Doesn't mean you can't leave the door open, but she has left you behind, so do the same. Don't bother confronting her about the EA, she'll just argue with you about it, adding to her negativity. SHE needs to realize she's made a mistake and come back to YOU. Nothing you say can convince her, but you can consistently show her she's making a mistake.

Sounds like you've done a pretty good job GALing, but you still haven't detached. I know how hard it is, I haven't 100% detached myself yet, although I keep trying. Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to 100% detach from the mother of our young children. Definitely stop reading her journal, it just keeps you in turmoil. Let her go, live your life, be someone she'd be a fool to walk away from. I know my W would LOVE if she could just walk away from me and our M without a second thought, but I keep reminding her she's making a mistake, not with words, but by my actions and demeanor, and it's driving her CRAZY. You'd think she'd want to stay away from me so she can get peace and just move on with her life with OM, but she keeps seeking me out, keeps asking me to do things, keeps asking my advice about her finances and business. That tells me she is still conflicted, still hasn't closed the door on our M, and certainly isn't committed to OM.

As someone else told you, this is a marathon, not a sprint, so don't read into her reaction of anything at the time. The great thing about detaching and moving on is that it's the best thing to make her doubt her decision, AND it's the best thing for you, regardless of how this all turns out!

[v1olin]

I stopped reading her email and checking her facebook account almost 2 months ago but when I saw the journal I knew that the answers to my suspicions would be there. And they were. That is actualy helping me detach. I think the next time I am there I will show her how to use the lawnmower:) Politely of course. Last night I was there with the kids so that she could go to the back to school night and after we had dinner she told me not to worry about doing the dishes! Hah! I said I wasn't.

[v1olin]

Well, I felt sick yesterday from allergies so I did not show her how to use the lawnmower. I came in,dropped off the kids,said bye and left. So nothing has happened with her since thursday. I had a great time with my kids this weekend though!

[v1olin]

Can she read my mind or what? I got home today with the kids and the grass was cut!? So, not only did she tell me not to do the dishes a few days ago but now she is cutting the grass too! Is she trying to tell me something? What could that be? I just dont know anymore. Maybe she is mad about the mediation not going through.

[v1olin]

I think I found out why she is trying to show me she doesnt need me : the "friend" moved to Italy WITH HIS FAMILY on the 28th. So now I think she is trying to harden up against my acts of service. Does anyone think I should slowly add some of these things back in? Or should I continue to be dark?

[Sam1007]

Hey! I have been lurking here on your thread, hadn't posted yet.

As far as your W sort of cutting the grass in front of your feet (no pun intended ) and taking away your ability to perform AoS: this will wear on her. She's trying to show that she doesn't need you. But, over time, this will become a chore and that's when she'll come to appreciate you doing that all this time. Don't worry about it. Minimize the AoS and do things for her at YOUR convenience, like futureunknown said.

[v1olin]

Thanks for the support Sam! This is the time that my wife will be going through withdrawl from not having her EA friend close by. I dont know how long it will last but I hope he does not contact her very much. I actually hope that he hooks up with some Italian girl and has an affair.:) That would show my wife who he really is.


I gave her the username and password for the online course that I took called Children in the Middle. It was suggested by my DB coach CHeryl. I gave her the info and told her she could call me later and we could talk about it. She called back at 9pm when I was in the middle of explaining how a violin is made to a group of wealthy art buyers. When I answered the phone she could hear people talking and she asked if I was busy. I said, "not too busy." I then explained to her what the course is all about and she thanked me for sharing it with her. She then talked to me about our 2 year olds birthday dinner that I was not invited too.


I did get some very nice smiles tonight from a couple of ladies and had a fun time being social. That is a HUGE 180 for me. I am the "quiet guy" type. Or should I say "was" the quiet guy type?

[v1olin]

My wife actually offered me dinner tonight. I almost could not beleive it. I said sure. I did not jump up and down saying yes,yes! Then at dinner she seemed to be much more interested in my reactions to thinkgs we talked about. She wanted to see me try to belly dance because my daughter was trying it. She touched my arm as she squeezed by my chair- this is really interesting. She usually takes the route that would keep her clear of touching me in any way.

Our anniversary is on the 16th. We stood in front of the calendar and talked about schedules and weekends and work for atleast 30 minutes. She said not one thing about our anniversary and neither did I. I am preparing to ignore the date when it comes. I just dont know what I feel about it anymore.


Anyway, I think I backslid tonight by giving my wife too much attention. Your thoughts?

[v1olin]

My wife called me this morning to talk to me about our daughters school project. She was very excited about the idea that she and D7 came up with. She also asked my advice and ideas about the project. Seems positive to me but I have learned to not get too excited about this sort of thing.

Friday is the day that we lost our baby boy at 17 weeks old(misscarriage). I dont know what this has to do with her current state of mind but I do know that she thinks I did not care about losing him I visited his little gravesite yesterday and left him a small toy helicopter. We lost him in 2005. I lost my younger brother the year before that to lukemia. I mourned for both of them in my own way and apparently that was not the right way for my wife.