Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

The schpiel was earlier this afternoon. I couldn't help it.

The urge to fight for was too much.

It felt like I didn't have anything to lose since she just got back from looking at places.

[givingitmyall]

Hey man. Looks like you have called it a night. Don't blame you.

Here is something I always like to read when I am having a rough time:

If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!


–Rudyard Kipling

[Butterfly1]

You know, she may actually miss you when she's gone. She may need distance to see what she might walk away from.

I'm sorry it hurts so bad. I've been there.

You can't control her if she wants to leave. And remember your 180's - if you have done a lot of trying to convince, explain, say ILY, etc. she expects you will do this. If you shut her out and only focus on you - if you let her go - she may have a shock on her hands. It's easier for WAS to walk away when one person is holding the R together. If you truly let he make her own decision, she has to hold the part of the R that was good, has hope, etc., too.

You will find that place inside you that is ok even if she goes. There is that inner calm place in you of acceptance somewhere. It will just take time to find it.

Peace.

[Energizer Bunny]

Thank you all so much for being here. I am in an incredibly lonely place right now.

I am back to work today. She came and went yesterday. She actually stayed at our house again last night. I figured she would stay at a friend's house until her new place was ready. Honestly I thought she was moving her stuff out yesterday, that she already had a place lined up. It sounds like she was just looking at places yesterday though. She is looking to buy! Not even rent. She didn't rell me this, I just saw one of the printouts. I don't know how this will work since we are still legally married. Can this affect me?

I don't know how to "let go." I don't want to give her the satisfaction of telling her that it's OK to go. It's not. It's a horrible thing to put our son through, to do to our families, to do to our marriage vows, and to do to the future that we could have together.

How can I "let go" without absolving her? I don't want to tell her that this is OK.

It's so surreal that I write this. I am still quite numb. I haven't cried.

[Energizer Bunny]

You know, she may actually miss you when she's gone. She may need distance to see what she might walk away from.

I have thought this too. Since the beginning I have noticed that there seems to be a patter for those who have reconsiled. It seems that everyone had a chance to get away. I was hoping that living completely seperate lives under the same roof may have the same effect.

Apparently not.

There is a chance that this time apart could be good. You're right. I will survive either way, but being a child of D this has literally always been my biggest fear. I would literally rather have died than have to go through this. (no, I'm not planning to do something stupid here, but I am painting a picture)

I can only look for the path that God has laid out for me and do my best with the opportunities that he has given me.

[Orich]

EB, I have been afraid to respond to your post because I believe I may be 2 to 3 weeks behind you. We have been living together, still in the same bed. I have been going to the gym, started volunteering for scouts, avoided being in the same room as her, not initiated conversations, etc. all in order for the same thing as you said, separate lives under the same roof. Well, it hasn't worked. W went from not wanting to break up the family to removing me and my family from her facebook friends list and not wearing her rings at home. We will attend Retrouvaille in a week and a half, but if something doesn't come out of it, I'm afraid of what the next step will be. Our sitch's have been close for some time, and I fear it may continue to be in the near future.
I am praying hard for you and me and everyone here.

[Orich]

Oh, and I have seen my spiritual director and we have talked about God's path for me. I am not ready to accept it may lead me away from W, so in effect right now I am fighting God. I am not putting my trust in Him that He will do what is best for me. Good for you if you can really accept that. Pray for me that I will also one day soon.

[tristan]

Wow EB. It seems we have a very similiar sitch. My W plans on moving out next week and has a place already. I haven't read your whole thread, but will try when I get a chance. I am emotionally in the same place as you; we can only hope. Good luck. I will check in from time to time.

[Energizer Bunny]

Orich - I was reading your most recent post as you were posting to my board. Your sitch and mine have been on such similar paths.

I honestly have been talking about how every reconsiliation that I am aware of has had to undergo a seperation. Most for at least 6 mos or so.

I read so much about clingyness and neediness and I have to be careful here too. I never knew it was such an issue for women. I thought they were always looking for someone more sensitive and emotionally available. I've always tried to share my thoughts, dreams and fears with W much as it sounds like you have. I thought love is unconditional. W is supposed to love me forever. I shouldn't have to act like "Billy Badass" and try to impress her like I am wooing a 19 year old kid. I'm married to an adult woman who would appreciate me for providing, sacrificing, helping around the house, being a good father, keeping fit, and communicating thoughts and feelings with her.

I have learned though that just as I would appreciate her spicing things up with a little sweet talk, a fun night out (or in :)), etc. I should have been making more of an effort to be that fun and crazy guy (i.e. try to impress her) at least once in a while.

I guess unconditional love even has it's conditions.

This is an incredibly lonely place right now, but at least there is some movement. Just not the direction I had hoped for.

[givingitmyall]

EB,

I don't want to give her the satisfaction of telling her that it's OK to go. It's not.

How can I "let go" without absolving her? I don't want to tell her that this is OK

"W, I do not agree with your decision, but I know I can't stop you from leaving. What you decide to do is up to you. This isn't what I want, but I accept your decision."

Accepting doesn't mean you agree or approve. She needs to know you will be fine with whatever she chooses. I know you don't feel that way, but you can fake it until you have gotten there. Any attempt to reach out to her, to beg, plead, show her you are devastated (I know you are hurtnig inside - he!!, we have all felt that) will only drive her further away quicker.

She has got to take her journey alone. You cannot do it for her, and you cannot stop her from it. You CAN continue to be strong, change yourself and work on detaching. Maybe she comes out of the fog, maybe not. Maybe if she comes out of the fog, it will be too late - and if it is, that means you will be in a R in which you will be happier than you ever imagined.

One of the things I have felt lately is I may not want my W back. I still want to fight for my M, but a NEW M where she and I change to make it better than it has ever been. Coach has told me to get ahead of my W on the detaching/changing front. I have passed her on the changing front, and I think I am in the passing lane with my blinker on in the detaching department.

I am praying for you. Pray for yourself - ask for strength, courage, discernment and above all else, patience. This won't be easy (what part of any of this HAS been?), but you can do it. AND, you will be a much stronger, wiser and better person, father, and who knows, maybe even a husband.