It was actually very homely last night, in fact more homely than our old house which I find puzzling, maybe it was just that the old house now has bad memories to me rather than the good ones that I had there.
It really felt good there last night particularly after a day of final sorting out and the flickering of the candles and my lamps, sounds silly but those things made a big difference to me and yes the smell of dinner, I felt good cooking there last night, it was lovely with D watching telly, the furry ones asleep on the couch, it was picture perfect.
A good friend has just got a bit angry with me because H has moved into the new place with me. She thinks I am being a pushover and that H is running the show and I should not have allowed it to happen.
The problem is she is a very strong willed person who doesn't mind speaking her mind whereas I am the softer one and unfortunately she can't understand my behaviour. She doesn't know about DBing and I wouldn't mention it because I know she would think I had completely lost my mind.
It would be nice if people although they mean well, just accept that what might work for them doesn't work for everyone. That is the brilliant thing about here, everyone is on the same wavelength with the same goals.
For whatever reason, I 'clicked' more with DR than with DB - no clue why. Somehow, DR seemed to inspire more hope, and seemed like a 'kinder, gentler' DB-ing. And maybe somehow DR fit my sitch better?
Anyway - happy reading!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Good news that DR has arrived - now you have something to occupy an afternoon - that's how quickly I read it in, anyhow! OK - clock starts, let's see if you can beat me!! No, don't go too fast - you have to absorb it. I'm going to start reading it again over the weekend. But enjoy!
(((Oz))) I really feel for you in what you said about your friend being so forthright. I am a bit like that with my friends but I have learned to 'cushion' my messages over the years. I think that it's great the she has been honest in how she feels but I guess that it's her delivery of that message which has hit you hard? You would not want her to lie to you - that's no basis for friendship and, just consider that she does not understand as we do, nor does she know about DB'ing, as you rightly say.
I have been dealing with my friends out-pourings and I have decided therefore to mention nothing about our situation any more. They are not here and they are not helping, remotely. I can, in that regard, tell them pretty much whatever it is that I want them to know. Which right now, is nothing! My one friend cuts H's parents hair too, so it's not a good thing to have 'stories' being carried back - not until I have perfected my script, anyhow!
Maybe what you say to your friend is "I really do understand that you are hurting for me right now and just want me to be happy but don't worry! I have this in perfect control and I really do know what I am doing here ... " - keep it upbeat, light and almost comical ... with a big Oz smile on your face. Remember, DB'ing techniques work on more people than just our H's!!!! Practise it a few times to yourself so that you are comfortable and then hit her with it the next time that she says something 'caring'!!!!!
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/02/0903:08 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Yes I didn't find I got much from the DB book,I think because it really didn't cover my situation either so I have high hopes for the DR book, will begin reading tonight. Have to try and not less H see though.
Yes, my friend really does care about me, she was there for each and every bomb that H dropped, she picked me up, listened to me cry for hours and yes it is because she doesn't want to see me hurt again, but I know that right now I am a lot stronger than before and feel confident in tackling pretty much whatever comes along now. She was in the same siutation 10 years ago but decided to move on instantly, everyone is different.
Never thought about it working on anyone other than our H's.
Right on. People are hurting for us - they care about us but they are not us! We know, just from being here, that everyone's sitch is very slightly different even when they appear to be the same. That's the complexity of us as human beings.
With the best will in the world however, friends and family do get it wrong - often, in my 3 month experience. That hurts too as you then feel like you have another hurtful experience on top of the one you are dealing with. My friend has seen this as me being dismissive of her and she has withdrawn a lot. That makes me sad but I can't deal with her grief as well as my own. Also, for all that she said that she would do if she were in my shoes, she's not displaying any of that advice now that her H has upset her very badly!
We must continue to love our friends as we always would .. and always will, just knowing that they do not have the same insight that we have. It's a powerful feeling!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Yes, you are right Nell. I think from my point, I have dealt with a lot of the anger and hurt and moved on from that, not to say that it doesn't surface again every now and again but I have chosen to move on from that which makes it easier to DBust more easily I think. Whereas my friend is still angry over what my H has done. That is the biggest difference between us.
I still love my friend and she still loves me too but they just don't get what we are trying to do.
Correct - but that puts us in a much better place. That also supports the theory behind DBusting ... even if we don't get our wish, we come out as better people .. for US as an individual. I don't want to be bitter in the future and there are so many who have gone down our path who are.
You are doing a good job ((Oz)) - keep on telling yourself that. At the end of the day, we can love our friends, listen to their advice, share their lives ... but they can't run ours for us and if they are true friends, they will respect that.
I think that my friends back home are just scared to say anything right now as I had a bit of a rant a few weeks back. Since then, they haven't even mentioned H's name - but then, neither have I. My new friends here are just intrigued at what it is that I am trying to do ... both D'd themselves, they are watching with interest ...
Over and above that, I remain scared of the future. I would like to be able to do what everyone else does and look in to the crystal ball. If I knew that he was definitely coming back, I could sit more comfortably and let things roll. If I didn't think that was to be, I would have given up a long time ago and goodness knows where that would leave me.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
