Oh Rabbit ... good that your 'madam' got you to have a good lesson, that's a positive to start off with! You are stronger than I am at the moment - I am in a real nose-dive but here's my 2 cents worth, anyhow. Don't forget, I'm a newbie here too so take bits that make sense to you and scrap the rest - I'm sure that you may find some of the other experts popping up to throw their advice in to the mix any time soon!
You are doing well. You have taken steps to look after yourself. You are getting out and about, riding, shopping and having your family to dinner. This is all great and you must continue to do so ... plus finding other things to add in that you can do at low/no cost. That's the tricky bit, I know!
I guess what strikes me most at this time is the financial situation. It's great that you are taking care of the accounts but I can relate to things getting in a pickle when there is no clear definition of who's responsibility it will now be for paying the bills.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Why do you assume I have spent it all? I haven’t spent anything since Friday and only �30 today! Perhaps you should add up how much you spent on Saturday that would give you a clue! Although there does seem to be some missing still!
You don't have to justify yourself to your H. He has walked away and so you are doing what you want, and now need, to do. I understand that you were angry and frustrated when you made your response but that should demonstrate why it's not a good time to reply! Your comments have only served to validate his current negativity about you and that to have left you was undoubtedly the right thing to have done! You have also reflected blame in saying that there still seems to be money missing - sorry but this IS accusative!
If you continue in this vein, it will be seen as 'more of the same' behaviour - it does not work and his reponses will be negative. You will learn that to act is better than to react at times like this.
'More of the same' that does not work has be replaced and you must find a new tack. Now could be a good time to look at 180's (check the forum lists for some good advice here) and how you could do things differently - in a way that he would not expect -it will disarm him and blow the wind completely from his sails whether you see it or not!
Think now, with hindsight, about how you could have answered the email if you had not reacted. What if you could answer it again -how would your response be different? Write it down as an exercise and good practise! How could you let him know that you are shifting the balance of control in general but for your finances too? ... and I'll give you a clue: ALWAYS post your responses here before you send them... people will stop you if you are about to make a blooper!
I have learned to step back. Take a breath, make a coffee, write the response and then post it here is getting a much better reaction from my WAH than to do as I previously did. If you do not, be prepared for negative feelings to escalate. You will not be in control and you will have put yourself on a backslide, in DB'ing terms.
BE CALM - always try things out here first. Consider this as your 'routing' service that allows your post to be screened before Royal Mail/Server will allow you to send anything!!
The other thing that this does is to 'buy' some time. You may have a dozen different thoughts if you leave a response for 24hrs - how many times have you regretted your first answer in the past? Mmm, it happens, doesn't it? In waiting, you will show H that you are not there at his beck and call and it's a 180 on the usual behaviour that he is expecting to see from you. It will also make him wonder where you are and what you are up to that you haven't responded straight away ... 'reliable' wifey that you are!! No more, mate! This is about altered perceptions ... and YOU are in control of your actions and when (and if) they happen.
When you decide to respond, you are calm, controlled, friendly and business-like - a woman who is at peace with herself, a woman who is taking back the reigns of her life, a woman that can cope on her own. It is creating this air of mystery ... and it's a start to some great DB'ing! If you don't believe me, just ask other posters ...
I know that it may all sounds very unfamiliar and that's the thing that takes so long to grasp, for me it has been, anyhow! Everything that you are advised to do here feels wrong. It all feels counter-intuitive but people's advice is based on sound research, backed by Michele W-D - and for so many people, has worked like a dream. The hardest part is having faith in the techniques, having the patience to see it through and being kind enough on yourself to allow your healing to take place, which will stand you in good stead for whatever is in the future.
You may have seen it said here that we are all here for a common purpose - to mend our marriages. Most of us accept that we have a 50-50 chance of that happening. What people set out to do in advising you is to help you make a better YOU so that with or without your H in the future, you can have a better, more controlled, more healthy life for you and your loved ones.
I wish you every success with that.
Keep posting - stay around and we will ride this gymkhana together!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
