confronting about affair- help!

[dday101798]

I've went through all of that. Fact of the matter is this is sosadny's WAS and her right to call a "bastard", not anyone else's.

[sosadoh]

update- verrrrrrry long story short- he confessed to earlier affair- one time thing. Very sorry for it. No longer in contact with her. Said nothing is happening now but he can't trust himself in LDR. Said he was prepared for whatever I decided. Proceeded to call me all afternoon and push me into making immediate decision. I asked him some questions. He says he loves me, but is not in love. I said if I were to consider taking him back (which I was really leaning toward), he would need to agree to some things, starting with him going to therapy. I told him I would make the appointment for him. I said "can you do that?" he said "I don't know"
HE CAN'T COMMIT TO ONE GODDARN THERAPY SESSION? He proceeded to ask me about all the things I was going to do to make the R work! "When will you come to visit?" "What if I want kids right now?" "What if I want to move to Mexico"? ME ME ME.
He dug his own grave. It was clear- he isn't going to change. I can take the affair, I can take him treating me like crap most of the time, but I can't take both! And he's not even willing to lift a finger to make this marriage work! Within another hour he had my decision.
IT'S OVER.
He has proceeded to call me over and over again crying, apologizing for the hurt he caused. I took his first call, told him all the things in my heart about how he has hurt me, and also that he no longer has any power over me. I was VERY compassionate, but told him he now has to let me heal! He keeps calling me. I'm not answering. He's now realizing what he has lost, but it's too late! If only he had been willing to lift a finger. Cry me a river, baby! Cry me a river! Because I've cried rivers and lakes over you.
I am emailing him now to ask him to stop calling, and give me a little peace after I have been completely devastated. I told him to call his parents. They need to comfort him- it's not my job anymore. Even now, he is so selfish. I don't owe him anything! He already took everything! I am empty! He robbed me of my dreams, a marriage I believed in and worked my ass off for. What more does he want?

[sosadoh]

last night called wnating 2nd chance saying all the things he will work to change, told him if he wanted to see me he had to come to me, he started driving but after 2 hours I knew i'm not in emotional state to be with him. told him to turn around. he was devastated. i think we should just say for us that we love eachother, want to be with eachother, but it won't work without so much pain. for us, maybe love is letting go. thats what i emailed him. it makes me feel better to split as friends who will always love eachother than me hating him forever. i can forgive.

[Kimmie Lee]

You did great! You gave him a chance and he threw it in your face. Now, he feels the pain of loss. It's an excellent lesson.

Also, I don't believe for one second that it was "a one time thing." Why-oh-why do these guys think that "once" is somehow better than....what....two.....three....??

[sosadoh]

He wants to come back- I told him not until he goes through some therapy by himself and I heal. He says if he does that then he'll forget me. Well, I feel like I can't do everything his way anymore. I want him back but not his issues- I think he needs to fix himself first. Opinions?

[dday101798]

I feel like I can't do everything his way anymore.

And you shouldn't have to. You need to take control of you, you surely can't change him, only he can. If he wants you back so bad, he shouldn't have to be told or tell you what he'll do, he NEEDS to just do it and you don't need to communicate that to him.

[Sugar and Spice]

He wants to come back- I told him not until he goes through some therapy by himself and I heal. He says if he does that then he'll forget me. Well, I feel like I can't do everything his way anymore. I want him back but not his issues- I think he needs to fix himself first. Opinions?

He is trying to manipulate you...don't fall for it. All cheaters lie, its what they do and they will say or do ANYTHING to restore the balance to their little world. When he is sincere about wanting to make things better, his actions will SHOW you. For the time being believe nothing that you hear and only about 1/2 of what you see.

Read back through my sitch if you don't believe me. Your actions right now are killing his fantasy and he will move heaven and earth to restore the delicate balance to what has become his life.

JMO, but so far you are doing a WONDERFUL job at DB'ing. Keep it up.

[sosadoh]

Had a good day today. Emailed him some information about financial things- nothing R related. Now it's nighttime (always harder to deal) and am annoyed b/c he hasn't emailed back any response. I GAL during the day today but now I am lurking.
He only said he wanted to come back after I told him how disgusted I was with the idea of divorce and that I wanted to put any filing on hold because I couldn't imagine not spending my life with him. He said he would move back to my state and get a new job and be with me to do MC, but I said he needed to first get his act together. He says "Love has to be nourished every day, or it will die" I disagree. I could go 2 years without seeing him and still feel the same way if I knew we were going to get back together. He can't go 2 months- a major difference for us. Since I wouldn't take him back immediately (he ALWAYS pressures for immediate action) he said we should just split up and be friends. I have moments when I'm ok with that and moments when I'm not. We don't have kids, so there isn't that reason to stay together. We also didn't have like 10 wonderful years of marriage to start out with like many on this site. It's hard for me to think that he will go through therapy, become a better person, marry some lucky b*tch and have tons of babies with her and live happily ever after, having learned such valuable lessons from me. I'm not proud to say it, but it makes me livid.

[sosadoh]

Male friend agrees with H that if we aren't together working on our marriage, that will be the end of it. He will move on. Want to be with him, but can't be until I know he wants me for the right reasons, not just guilt and because I make life easy for him. Can anyone advise? I like to think if he really loves me, he'll want to be with me in a few months even after not seeing me, but friend thinks no and H thinks no.

[Sugar and Spice]

My suggestion would be to continue to DB the way you have been. He needs to show you what he wants, not continue to manipulate you into whatever suits him best at the moment. You know your H and your sitch better than anyone, but sometimes they need a harsh reality check. You can't control him or what he does or thinks, so you need to do what is best for you.

What has worked for you to this point?