The DB two step

[Dr LOve]

She wants to be "married" it's the intamacy part she is having isues with..
now it has come down to is how much she wants to be married...

All I am asking her it to try........we have nothing left to lose as we are headding for divorce...it's only up from here..

[MrBond]

Did she actually say she wanted to be married specifically? If so, did you ever ask her what she thought being married means to her?

We both know a marriage is two people who are there for each other and who want to satisfy the needs of the other. It's a choice. Tell her that if she has made the choice to stay married, then she has to ...

She has to respect your wishes and quite frankly you know that she's just being lazy and disrespectful.

There is a site that another woman wrote who wanted out of her marriage, but decided to stay and work on it. projecthappilyeverafter.com. It's her own blog that talked about what she did to get back mentally into the marriage.

You can maybe give her something like that to start.

[Dr LOve]

Quick update..

Wife was leaving to pick up son from school. I stopped her

Me: Wife I really don't want you to fake it. But what I want is for you to try it and be open to it. Heck it's been two years who know what might have changed.

W; it seems it all comes down to sex. That's all you want it seems dirty to me right now.

Me; No that is not all I want. But I do want it. I could just go out and get it if that was all I wanted. But I never cheated on you. I know it would hurt allot of people.
It bothers me that you were confused with your job loss and low self-esteem and you were taken advantage of.
I don’t know what was going through your mind when you did it but I know it could not have easy knowing it could destroy our marriage but you did it anyway.
now I am asking you to do something that could save our marriage. How hard can that be? We have nothing to lose, we are headed for divorce. I am afraid if I stay in this relationship the way it is now I too will end up cheating on you. And I don’t want to do that.
We gave each other a little peck on the lips and she left to pick up son…..

[oldtimer]

"As for HER trying to make me happy....like our marriage I was always trying to make her happy. Making sure her needs were taking care of first. (Or so I thought) maybe I was not as demanding in my needs as I should have been...."

Thus, again, read PM.

[oldtimer]

"W; it seems it all comes down to sex. That's all you want it seems dirty to me right now."

Reply: "W, that is total BS and I hope not to hear that conversation stopping line again. It silences, but it does not help you or me or us. This time I will reply though. There are plenty of opportunities to sex. I want a vibrant passionate marriage with my W who is my partner in life and love, and part of that is real physical intimacy and satsifaction. I'm very sad to hear that something as beautiful and intimate as physical love seems dirty to you. That must be very painful for you. I really don't think it is a very healthy way to live. And, fair warning, in my big picture, I live my life with my partner who is also my lover."

[MrBond]

Maybe add physical AND emotional intimacy. Because when she withholds that, it's like she's still hiding something and not being open to you.

She's the one who has to earn back your trust. Not the other way around.

[Dr LOve]

How about...

W, I was thinking and you are right. Sex and intimacy is all I want right now. I have everything else and it’s the only thing that is missing.
I want a passionate marriage with my W who is my partner in life and love, and part of that is real physical intimacy and satisfaction for both of us. I'm very sad to hear that something as beautiful and intimate as physical love seems dirty to you. That must be very painful for you to feel that way. I really don't think it is a very healthy way to live. And, fair warning, in my big picture, I want to live my life with my partner who is also my lover, physically AND emotionally

Doc

[MrBond]

Wow. That's quite a mouthful.

Have you ever thought of just asking her what is it that she believes she wants in terms of emotional and physical intimacy?

I think if you send your message like you did above, it would probably shut her down again because it focuses alot on your needs that revolve around her actions.

[NoCodeBlues]

That's all you want it seems dirty to me right now.

...that is total BS...

I am inclined to agree. I think it's BS as well.

My xW used to give me this "good girl" who wants sex even though it's "dirty" nonsense for years. Seemed mortally afraid of being seen as sexual even by me, her husband. I used to think it was cute, modest and, at the same time, a product of her insecurities about herself. So I was pretty darn accommodating. I resigned myself to the fact that my W was more conservative in that department than average folks. I thought she was just sexually repressed.

That was until the bomb -- boy, was I wrong. I discovered she was anything but modest or repressed. She had been holding out on me all those years. I found sex toys that shocked the snot out of me, lingerie she had bought like she hadn't since our honeymoon, etc.

I now realize how awfully deprived I was even within my own M. Robbed. Cheated.

But I digress... I'm just saying, take her commentary about sex being "dirty" with a grain of salt. Within a M, there is absolutely nothing dirty about sex.

I would suggest, Doc, that your W might need to seek out counseling of some sort if she is honestly under the impression that sex is dirty even within her own M. That'd be just messed up.

[Dr LOve]

Nocode,

Is my wife you wife's twin?

Yes it sounded like you were talking about my wife there for a minute.9except the sex toys I have not found yet but I did buy her one that disapeared.
The bomb????

I found PICTURES things that I always wanted but "she was too fat" also she had on some lingerie like the ones I bought her but she "can't wear that"... I too was accomadating.. That is why I said to OT... I always made sure she was happy and did without both in and out of bed...

Doc