My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

There may however be a right moment to ask but I think it will be very clear to you.

[RedSoxFan]

There may however be a right moment to ask but I think it will be very clear to you.

I'm going with this.

[Coach]

So when she's irritated or in a bad mood that's usually my sign to ask if everything is OK. She seemed that way last night and again today. So I'm just supposed to stay quiet right? Don't ask "How are things with you?" or "You doing OK?"

"You seem stressed. How can I help?"

She tells you what she wants help with or tells you nothing but it was her call and now it's her problem.

[aliveandkicking]

Coach, I think you give the best advice here...and, I kind of disagree on this one. He can't help. She has made that clear. It is annoying to have him pursue it (IMO). However, like I said, when she gets the space she is demanding, I think she will soften and there will be the right moment and he will know it because it will be stark.

That is just speaking as a woman in a similar sitch.

[MrBond]

I agree with AAK.

You really need to give her space and time to live her life. You originally put her through the ringer, told her you didn't want her and so she HAD to move on. That's going to take a loooong time to get over. The rejection is going to hurt for awhile.

Let her have her space while you get yourself together and start doing those changes you keep mentioning.

[aliveandkicking]

I want to fight to save my marriage until it doesn't make sense to continue.

Taking this to your thread...in your sitch, I believe your challenge is to let her find her way and hopefully back to you. You are still fighting to save your marriage.

I thought I had to be devastated and in pain to really care. It is not true. You can be okay and fight to save your marriage. You'll get it when you get it. It is a very fine line.

[RedSoxFan]

You really need to give her space and time to live her life. You originally put her through the ringer, told her you didn't want her and so she HAD to move on. That's going to take a loooong time to get over. The rejection is going to hurt for awhile.

I was not born with patience. This part is really hard for me. I believe it's the right thing to do but it's not what I want to hear. I do think that Coach has a point as well. I think that there are probably times when she wants me closer but there are probably some clues there when that needs to happen. If I thought OM wasn't trying to win her over I could wait forever.

Let her have her space while you get yourself together and start doing those changes you keep mentioning.

I'm actually doing well myself. I selfishly spent the last 10 months in therapy, exercising, and taking care of myself. I just can't get comfortable going dark, being in the dark. I miss my kids everyday. I miss being a family. I find it really hard to make decisions like buying a house in their school attendance zone vs. renting something (hard to find) vs. staying where I am and hoping for some movement.

[RedSoxFan]

I thought I had to be devastated and in pain to really care. It is not true. You can be okay and fight to save your marriage. You'll get it when you get it. It is a very fine line.

I'm no where CLOSE to being OK with either option (save marriage or move on with separate lives). All I care about now is saving my marriage. Sure I am trying to take care of myself and be attractive but I'm not at a place where I'm planning for life without her. Silly, I guess since I've been away for a year but its true.....AND....I don't want to plan a life without her or move on in that way. guess I have work to do.

[RedSoxFan]

OK, I've only been doing this for 3 days but it feels horrible. I've backed communication down to almost the nothing. Just the minimum about the kids, etc. W probably thinks I'm, punishing her for going to the memorial this weekend. Her communication via email and text has backed way down and become short. She's also seeming short and angry/irritated/unhappy when I've talked to her. I'm headed into a long weekend where I'm taking the kids away and all I can think about is how I'm setting things up for OM to come in and make her feel good and win her over some more. I need to better understand how this is going to play out. It feels wrong and risky. I'm scared.

I have so many unanswered questions. How long before watching the person you love with OM begins to cause irreparable damage and hurt (I always feel the need to remind people here that I originally walked out on her and am now asking her to reconcile)? How many people doing this technique actually save their marriages and of those how many can we truly attribute to this approach? Are we just coaching ourselves and each other toward healing under the false pretense that we'll save our marriages? If so, it seems like there are easier ways to heal.

I'm just sad today and I don't want to lose the person I love. I'm tired of waking up and crying every morning.

[tristan]

I have so many unanswered questions. How long before watching the person you love with OM begins to cause irreparable damage and hurt (I always feel the need to remind people here that I originally walked out on her and am now asking her to reconcile)? How many people doing this technique actually save their marriages and of those how many can we truly attribute to this approach? Are we just coaching ourselves and each other toward healing under the false pretense that we'll save our marriages? If so, it seems like there are easier ways to heal.

You are not alone. I have all of these questions too. It seemed to work for Robx. He is the only one that I know attributed to saving his marriage this way. But I know the opposite approach did not work for me all that well either. I'm not sure I have any other option.