I support your desire to keep your friend's information private. It sounds like you feel it is more important to be loyal to your friend than to be responsible for busting it all out in the open.
Eventually, when/if their issues come out in the open, then you can talk to W about your feelings.
My approach would be the incomplete truth approach. I would tell her that I spoke to K and he told me that he and his wife are having problems, and that she is talking about getting a divorce. Then I would move into my opinion, and talk about how we should support our friends' marriages, and what a bad thing divorce is for a family, particularly that family. She might suspect that you know she is already not agreeing with you, but she won't know. Then you see what she says. Will she give you any info? Will she say that she has talked the K's W or will she feign ignorance?
This allows you to get your message across about what your role as friends should be and see if she will talk honestly to you.
My approach would be the incomplete truth approach. I would tell her that I spoke to K and he told me that he and his wife are having problems, and that she is talking about getting a divorce. Then I would move into my opinion, and talk about how we should support our friends' marriages, and what a bad thing divorce is for a family, particularly that family. She might suspect that you know she is already not agreeing with you, but she won't know. Then you see what she says. Will she give you any info? Will she say that she has talked the K's W or will she feign ignorance?
This allows you to get your message across about what your role as friends should be and see if she will talk honestly to you.
I like that. Keeps your buddy out of the loop.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I like Sara's suggestion, but (you knew there had to be a BUT), K is not someone I normally would have spoken with, and my W knows this. It just seems fishy if I were to say, oh, yeah, guess who called me...
I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be obvious. This really isn't about me. It's about K.
I will talk to K, and if he is cool with me having such an exchange with my W, I'm game. He's pretty early on in this and I fear will have to deal with the OM scenario. If there is an OM, what are your thoughts on him confronting at this early stage (he is reading DB right now)? Should he go ahead and get it out there or initially back off all pursuit to make her pause, then bring it out? I have not had to deal with this in my sitch, so I have no personal experience in that area.
I like Sara's suggestion, but (you knew there had to be a BUT), K is not someone I normally would have spoken with, and my W knows this. It just seems fishy if I were to say, oh, yeah, guess who called me...
I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be obvious. This really isn't about me. It's about K.
I will talk to K, and if he is cool with me having such an exchange with my W, I'm game. He's pretty early on in this and I fear will have to deal with the OM scenario. If there is an OM, what are your thoughts on him confronting at this early stage (he is reading DB right now)? Should he go ahead and get it out there or initially back off all pursuit to make her pause, then bring it out? I have not had to deal with this in my sitch, so I have no personal experience in that area.
I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.
/\ Selfish bump (my 1st ever) b/c it's for a friend.
Spoke with my friend, K. He does not want his W to know he and I are talking. So, I will not let my W know I know anything.
So, back to me for now. I am ok with things. I guess it just makes me sad when I see another person going through this awful mess. One thing my firend said to me today was that he didn't have the emotional strength I did. I told him he did, but, just like me when I was at the place he is now, he just hadn't discovered the strength he had.
Coach, I am NOT shying away from bringing up a difficult subject with my W. I am NOT being the old Mr. Nice Guy. But, I have an obligation to my friend, and, more importantly, I gave him my word - that's honor. Now, if my W happens to bring my friend's M up, well, then I can go with Sara's plan. And I will, but based on the premise that I don't know about my friend's issues until she tells me about it.
I understand that you divulge your source without naming him.
If K has proof of a OM then DBing has a different tact initially. You can be a great resource to him right now. Going thru this makes you see people a little different now.
I know you will handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I really could use some help here. I think the evid of OM is there. Not sure my friend has totally bought into it yet. Should he confront, assuming evid is there? This is not my area of specialty.
IMHO - As far as your friend goes, I'd approach the OM sitch immediately. Why wait and let them think they have a 'dirty little secret?' It takes all the fun out of sneaking around when you're caught.
I admire you for not betraying your friend's trust. I do believe in standing up for what we believe in...that M's are worth saving...but we have to keep in mind our WAS do not share our views (at least not while they are in alien mode). If we harp too much (what they consider too much) then all they hear is blah, blah, blah. I think your friend's best bet is keep reading the book and start implementing the techniques.
Sorry you had to deal with seeing the divorce paperwork W completed in April. Had to be hard. Keep strong...you are doing great. btw...I'd love to see the picture of you with your hair done!
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
