W: "You don't want to send me mixed messages?" M: "No. I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with OM." W: "You're right. You shouldn't." M: "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that." W: "You are." M: "It doesn't mean that I am not willing to work on the marriage. It's just all part of working on myself." W: "That's fine."
She then turns to start getting ready. It didn't seem to have much impact on her, but it did feel good to say it.
Also, I forgot to mention that in part of the discussion yesterday W mentioned that she "doesn't feel grounded" and that she feels "like I am floating". I am not sure how to interpret that; I guess it is similiar to discussions where she has said that she is a "lost soul".
Instead of saying "I shouldn't feel like I need to compete with the OM", you should be saying: "I won't compete with the OM anymore, it's not worth it"
Instead of saying "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that", you should be saying: "It's not worth it to me anymore when I know I'm the better man"
Do you see how the twist of a few words adds more meaning to what you're saying?
When you said "I shouldn't feel like I need to compete", you communicated that you feel the need to compete with the OM for your wife. She hears this and knows this and probably knew it already. That's why you pushing her away is important, it communicates that you're done playing that game because you know you don't have to anymore - it's very important to have that frame of mind, you will view things properly without feeling insecure & needy anymore.
When you said "It is demeaning to me and I am a better man than that", you are communicating how this is affecting you, you don't need to tell her that you feel that this is demeaning you, you need to communicate now that you could care less, the sooner she leaves the better, because you're ready to move on with your life.
Push/Pull, it's very subtle but I can feel it in your posts when you describe the dialog & interaction between the two of you, it's there, you're slowing turning it around, you're slowing creating space between the two of you and it's space that you are choosing to create and she is trying to fill it.
You mentioned when will she start pulling you in, she is already, when she comes into the bathroom after you finish showering to view you, she's trying to pull you to her, when she asks for a hug, she is trying to pull you toward her because I think she is feeling that you are pushing her away.
Human beings want what they can't have, when you start communicating to her (indirectly & directly) that she can't have you anymore and if she thinks she can find herself and then decide to come back to your loving arms, she is mistaken. When she has the choice between you and the OM, it's a safe place to be for her. If it doesn't work out she knows she can come back to you until the next OM comes into the picture after this guy and she'll pull this stuff again. When you communicate that you won't be there, the situation is no longer safe, it's dangerous, there are consequences for those actions, no more backup plan, no more second option, you communicate that you respect yourself enough to let go of her because she doesn't value you or care about your feelings. You detach, show less emotion to her, stop talking to her as much, let her initiation conversations otherwise you'll say nothing(and at the same time, maintain a strong PMA and remain upbeat). Trust me it all has an effect on her, you will notice it more & more.
It's time to be assertive, you are better, you deserve better, what is happening now is wrong and you know it. Time to turn things around and make it work for you.
Do you have a date for this friday? Even if it's a fake one where you are not going to be home friday evening, where you will be getting ready at home and if you are lucky, she will be there as well and get a glimpse of you showering and spending extra time in the bathroom looking good, fixing the hair, putting on the special cologne, dressing up with the attractive clothing, etc. And when you are asked where you are going, you only say "I'm going out with a friend" and smile but don't maintain eye contact, look away when you say it... as if to feel a little guilty for possibly going out on a date with another woman.
Fear of loss, jealousy, all these things do wonders to wake up a WAS who is having an affair because the mental picture they set up when they started all of this never included you doing the same thing back to them.
