pearl, not answering her calls is what the next step back would be, I agree. However, with changes happening, I'm just trying to be consistent in what I am doing now and seeing where this leads. Also, I will be away pretty much all of October, so that will automatically be a month of being dark.
I do get mad for a few minutes, when I hear something about OM. Like the boys will say that they went out to eat, or he was there when they went to a play with W. But I usually get over that pretty quick and I don't let it spoil my mood. Instead of getting upset over it, I've decided to be the better choice for her. So, my hit-and-run approach has turned into a more distant run, but I still "hit" her with fulfilling her emotional needs.
The other reason I am reluctant to stop answering her call at this point is that she seems to come to me a lot more often to get those emotional needs met than before. TG was suggesting not to blatantly ignore her and I think that is the right approach right now. But I get your point pearl: I need to be vigilant to maintain moments where she does NOT get that emotional fulfillment from me, that will make her miss it.
TG, a little background on the "staying at your house" comment: a year ago, when I took the boys on vacation, she took care of the dogs and the house by just staying there (this was 3 months after she moved out). Then in Feb when I was gone for 2 weeks, she said she didn't want to stay at the house, but that she would take care of the mail and dogs and the house. In preparation for this trip, she's said she would take care of the dogs and the house again. I assumed that she would not want to stay there (just like Feb), but then she made the "I'll probably end up staying at your house" comment. I don't think she meant this as a disguised "I am moving back in" though. One of the boys said in the car that he wanted to move to the new house and then W said that she has to find a new house first. However, the coincidence with her lease being up is odd combined with that remark.
Latest: At some point last week, W mentioned the boys needing clothes as everything was getting too small. I said I had 2 coupons to a store and that she could have one if she wanted. She then asked if we could all go together and I said sure. I did not bring this up again later at all, because I figured it's one of those things she just says, trying to be nice and then forgets (had TONS of those). Then Friday she msged me online and brought it back up: "So, are we still taking the boys clothes shopping on Sun?" and I said yeah, sure, we can do that. Then I didn't hear anything until Sun morning. She called towards the end of the morning and asked if I still wanted to go and if we were ready.
We went by her parents, who were really upbeat. Her dad offered to help me with a project at my house this weekend and said we should celebrate our birthdays together. We had a good rest of the day, had fun with the boys. She told me she's feeling 100% better after her surgery, her headaches are gone. At one point she told me I shouldn't lose any more weight because I look good. We talked about a TV show we're both watching. We joked around. Back at the house, she said thank you for coming with her.
It does feel different than before. We have had good times before, but it was always stressed somehow. Now, it seems more relaxed. I think she's more relaxed now with her health being better and without the shop to worry about. I just concentrated on being the "better choice" and showing her a good time. Now, there should be a time of pulling back.
