My sitch...long but please indulge me

[billclay18]

My oldest step D20 called last night to see how I was doing, which was very nice of her. Told her I was doing quite well. She moved in with her father a month ago, but came back to help her mother move. We've always been very close and hopefully will continue to be. She sounded sad. I didn't ask about my W and she didn't mention her either.

Pearl...have a great vacation. Hopefully it's warm and fun!

[billclay18]

Day 3 of no contact...who will crack first??? Ain't gonna be me!!!

[Phoenixdeux]

I hope you are taking this time to appreciate that there are some positives to this situation and making the most of this. You don't want to kick yourself later that you didn't get to do all the things you could have. There is a ton to life....you really don't have much time to get cracking. Don't waste it wondering who will crack first or what she's doing.

[billclay18]

Couldn't agree more. Have been quite busy since she left and will continue to be. My comment was more tongue-in-cheek. Thanks for keeping me looking forward though.

[billclay18]

No contact from W and at this point I have no desire for any. Quite honestly we have no reason to contact each other…unless she wants to proceed with D. Here's the quandary or just a general question. Several weeks ago W seemed concerned I’d be mad at her when she moves out. I told her at that time I was not mad. Even now that she’s gone, I’m not. Here’s my question…with N/C, am I confirming what she suspected…that I’m mad? That’s not the impression I want to convey because it’s simply not true. I’m actually doing quite well and will be fine either way, but how would she know that? Should I even care? Maybe I’m guilty of mind-reading…she may not care if I’m mad or how I’m doing.

Some of the philosophies/principles on the site are contradictory…do not contact WAS…yet let them see you are strong, confident & getting on with your life just fine without them. How can you do the latter without the former?

[RedSoxFan]

Some of the philosophies/principles on the site are contradictory…do not contact WAS…yet let them see you are strong, confident & getting on with your life just fine without them. How can you do the latter without the former

I've struggled with this a little too but it seems to have a natural progression. NC will lead to curiosity and observation from afar. In reality many of us have to have some contact with kids, etc. so there are opportunities there to demonstrate confidence and happiness. The challenge is not overdoing it Seems to me that any attempts at maintaining any contact solely for the purpose of demonstrating confidence is #1 easy to see through and #2 doesn't allow the process to unfold naturally. Timing is key with this stuff. I was a WAH. Now I'm back asking W to reconcile and the tables are turned. When I was in the middle of my crisis she tried to talk sense to me in every way possible. I was an alien and I just couldn't/didn't get any of it. But when I was ready and the switch went off I knew it. Now I know that I have to look at W's situation the same way.

Be patient and be an awesome choice when the switch flips...that's my goal!

[Coach]

Some of the philosophies/principles on the site are contradictory…do not contact WAS…yet let them see you are strong, confident & getting on with your life just fine without them. How can you do the latter without the former?

That's because in this case you are assuming you aren't being watched. You are being watched.

[billclay18]

RSF,

Very interesting that you can offer perspective from both sides of the fence...although unfortunate for you. We don't have kids together, but I still keep in contact with my step D's via cell, text or email. If any bit of what or how I'm doing gets back to W thru them...I guess that's a good thing.

Coach,

Being watched when she's not around to watch me...not sure how that happens.

[RedSoxFan]

Being watched when she's not around to watch me...not sure how that happens.

Here's another way to think of it. How many times do you come across someone on this forum (me raising my hand) who may be away from a S for a week with no contact and have maybe one data point of information. It might be real or perceived. We can then go off and 'fill in the blanks' creating an entire story in our minds about whats going on with S. If our data point is them being happy then we construct a week of happiness story around it. Anyway, I've caught myself doing it a lot. Point is people do do it a lot. So a data point here and there getting back to W via Step-D or whatever can have a huge impact on your sitch.

[volleydog]

Wow, RSF, that was a really good way to put that, very insightful.