Bridgestone~ Thank you! You are exactly right . I get caught up in feeling angry at him for accusing me of crazy stuff - but you are reminding me of my new attitude in the M - that of love and compassion. You are right, there are two parts - setting boundaries with how I want to be treated, and trying to understand the feelings underneath his actions. I'm so glad you reminded me.
I was in PC (personal counselling) yesterday. My C said that when he is yelling and blaming and criticizing, to see him as feeling powerless - which is similar to what you say as fear, as not feeling lovable with imperfections - and to realize people yell when they fear nobody will listen. H has a very rejecting and narcissistic mother and it is no surprise to me that he fears that I would not take him seriously. He does have low self-esteem, he does have to feel "perfect" to feel ok. He is the oldest Jewish son and he "did everything right - ivy league school, good job, first to marry and have a child.
H told me last week ( I think this is underneath a lot of the nutty) that he is terrified of telling his mother about our marital problems. Somehow he can't show that his life isn't perfect I guess. H said that he's afraid she will blame him, gossip about him, make fun of him.
H has always said he thinks I"m "trying to screw him" or I'm "making fun of him" and I never understood why. I guess now I'm reading between the lines.
His reactions of blaming me are easy because I have admitted my faults, have no qualms about admitting my problems (maybe blaming self too much). But here's the rub - it's quite a challenge to hold love and compassion for a person who is yelling and criticizing and blaming. But the old me would have just focused on defending myself - only to escalate things. Now I'm trying to take a deep breath and help him feel heard - which means remembering he feels feel, powerlessness, insecurity. It's hard to hear through all the growling and snapping that inside is a scared dog who has been hurt in the past.
C says that once H begins to experience what it is like to feel heard, he may not feel the need to yell to be heard.
Love and compassion hopefully will free us from fear.
