It astounds some people who know me that I take such ownership of my part and forgive (not excuse) H's behavior. It is a very empowering experience. I am not a victim and my life is my responsibility, keeps me from sinking further into the pit of despair to be mindful of that.
This is the same thing my W has told me. Almost word for word. She has said she's healed but when we sat and cried toegther I realized how much she wasn't healed and how much hurt is still there. In fact I caused the wound to be reopened when I showed up telling her I loved her and wanted to save our marriage. I have the hardest time reconciling all of the hurt with the fact that she says she's forgiven me. It doesn't feel like she's forgiven me at all. Seems like she just tucked it all inside and and got her life under control.
Yes, you hurt her. But, the hurt is hers. This is heady stuff but early on in my sitch, I realized that the hurt I felt was the same hurt I felt as a child or in other traumatic situations. She has her path and in some way, this experience is her opportunity to process her own pain and evolve, grow and mature as a woman.
She is not a victim just as I am not. H has hurt me and between he and I, there is healing that would need to happen (I think together or apart). But, my own personal healing is my responsibility. She has choices, she wants to be her own person and make her own decisions. She wants to feel whole and okay without you before she could contemplate being with you. The OM is just a spoke in the wheel (IMO)...but, the major theme is that she wants to live her own life on her own terms. If she has the guts to live up to her own expectations, she will likely rid of him. His pressuring her is just one more opportunity for her to woman up and do her own thing. It is all her call. She chose him, he's challenging her and a win for her (IMO) would be to take herself back from him to and be on her own.
That was a giant paragraph of assumptions and projections but maybe some truth there.
Point is, you've got your culpability in your R with her. But, she is a sovereign individual on her own path, obviously. You have served her in some ways (perverse as it seems). It sucks, we hurt those we love, we get in dynamics that we end up regretting (I have my own remorse) but I have faith that H and I are each fully equipped to make what we want out of it. It's not so bad when I look at it that way. We aren't damaged, we have more information, what I do with it is my business and what he does with it is his...
