I struggled for a long, dark time with being able to forgive myself. First, it takes a brutally honest examination and ownership of your own failings, foibles and general contributions to the marital mess. It takes acknowledging these completely separate and independent from anything your spouse might have done/not done. In fact, I found that when I was in the space of working on forgiving me, I was utterly and completely unconcerned with anything H had done - and I think that was good. It stopped the blame cycle.
When I finally got to a place where I had forgiven myself, I found I had forgiven him, too, and without even trying. It was as if I'd flipped a switch.
As the LBS, I was able to do this pretty early on. It astounds some people who know me that I take such ownership of my part and forgive (not excuse) H's behavior. It is a very empowering experience. I am not a victim and my life is my responsibility, keeps me from sinking further into the pit of despair to be mindful of that.
