So, as it turns out, I don't need to make any decisions.
H called me asking we get together soon to talk about where we're going from here. My heart froze for a moment, wondering if this was the moment where he said he wanted to come back. Of course, it wasn't.
He wants to proceed with "the paperwork", as he calls it (still has not said the word DIVORCE to me). He's pushing for 1 lawyer, which I don't think is possible, and not what I want. He fears having 2 will get nasty and costly and reassures me that he'll make sure this friend lawyer of his watches out for both sides! HA! Not that I don't believe him, I just know better. I told him we just need to look at it as a business transaction. I insisted on using my own. H still seems to think this is negotiable.
He's saying he'll always put us first, that all he's working for is the kids and me, and that whenever he has the means, he's more than willing to give us what we need (which he's done so far). I've told him that I know his intentions are good, but that it's unrealistic. Things change. He'll have someone else, possibly more children, and maybe I will too. His feelings will change.
I asked him what made him decide to do this now. He said because it's been 3 years and to bring closure so that both of us can move on. (Sounds very much like what I told friend...hmmm...)
We talked about custody and about the kids. I don't think this will be as easy as he thinks. I actually think it's a rash decision he's making and he hasn't thought through a lot of things. There's no way he'll fight me for full custody - he said they belong with me - but he does want joint. I asked him to let me be able to move overseas, as I'd like to move back home in the future. He didn't seem so agreeable to this. Asked for joint and that we deal with it when the time comes - again, not something that I want to have to do.
Other than that, we talked for a long time - about his work mostly. He asked me several times how I was doing. I told him I was ok. Really didn't have any other answer for him. I asked him. He had some concerns about his health, which sounded stress-related to me (bursts of rage). He was about to end the conversation several times, but then continued. We talked for over an hour. No tears, just a few pauses to compose myself. Except for D being the topic of discussion, it was a nice conversation.
We ended saying we'd meet next week to talk more when he returns from his trip.
I'm feeling...not numb or sad, as I'd expect - more...unaffected, I guess would be the best word. Somewhat relieved that there's some movement. But at the same time, not fully convinced that H knows what he's doing and will follow through. I respect that he is taking action rather than just letting things continue this way. It shows a bit of maturity on his part. However, he asked that we not tell his mother so as not to upset her. !!!
Half hour after hanging up, H called me again asking for fashion advice. He used to take pride in telling his friends that he had his own personal fashion consultant (me - that's my forte...), but not something he's asked my opinion on in 4 years.
Thanks mmf, Kevin, stuck, forward for all your support and advice. Kevin - I am actually not someone who has a strong faith in God. I truly admire people who do. I believe in a higher power and I find myself praying a lot more than ever before in my life, but I'm definitely not religious. Forward - now may be the time for me to be more open and available for H. It would be a nice thing to have H back in my life as a friend, no matter what happens, although, again, I'm not sure how realistic that concept is once either of us meets someone new.
Maybe this will really hit me in a day or two. We'll see what happens next week. Until then, I guess I'll seek my lawyer's advice on how to proceed and what to expect. If anyone can offer legal advice or fill me in on what to look out for, I'd very much appreciate it...
