"This is just an opinion that could be dead wrong, but if (a big if) there is no OW, in his current mind state, what is construed as pursuit would be a reinforcement of the very control and "contempt" he feels you had for him that drove him away."
If there was OW, this would/could still apply, though, right? He could see my pursuit as contempt/control, regardless?
One other question - for all here - how do you let go, really let go of the FEAR? The acting out of fear? I don't want to communicate/do anything in fear..but it is such a natural state of being in this situation. Just focusing on what makes yourself happy and truly believe you will be OK even without them...does that mindset eventually help dissolve the fear? Putting trust in God would help as well. Any other suggestions that have worked for you all?
Lastly, per some of my posts across yesterday, I do not want to be a doormat and on his timeline...I'd like to take some of the control back here, in a way, I guess. That is why I'd thought about standing up to him more, not in an ultimatum way, but letting him know I do not want to live in this limbo state forever? Some friends have suggested I communicate to him I'm not going to be in limbo-land on his timeline forever...set a date to sit down and talk. But that seems to be not the DB-way..and perhaps would elicit a fiery outcome given the state/place H is in. I trust folks on this site more in that respect. I guess the only way in the past i'd wanted to bring up retro ever again was to position it as 'closure' - let him know that i know reconciliation is not likely in the cards...maybe that would let him know i'm letting go, trying to move on, and doing this as a way to let go of and heal old wounds. (but maybe this is construed as manipulative?) believe me, i have not brought it up again, just thinking through proper positioning if it ever comes up.
that's the weird thing about letting go/control. i know there is a lot of freedom to be had in letting go, but i think sometimes i want to bring up these things to feel better myself, like I am leaving no stone unturned...sometimes i feel like I might miss an opportunity and then beat myself up later for not bringing it up if we end. Silly reasoning perhaps.
I want to demand some respect from him ('demand' not right word here, i know), and let him know he can't carry out this behavior in our M forever.. but perhaps that is what Stronger is saying when she says "stop his trip short" by letting him not get to me anymore, whatever he does. That's hard...that I've got to work on myself. And will standing up to him make him respect me more (listen, i am committed but you're not giving this any effort and i can't live like this forever?) or will it likely just piss him off given his state? Maybe male minds can weigh in here.?? GAL and other route better option?
Fear - well, I have gone through fear. It possesses me off and on. I just kinda wait it out and stay on these boards. Eventually, it may take days, even weeks or months - I return to a calm space in my heart where I KNOW - not just think - I'll be ok, I am ok, no matter what. Its an inner peace. I have to keep finding it, but it's there somewhere in your heart too.
Sometimes dealing with fear is like getting over a flu for me. I'm paralyzed with this thing that is weighing me down and eventually it begins to subside and one day I notice I feel better. I have a saying that gets me through it: "When you're going through hell...keep going!" -Winston Churchill
I also have to keep my attitude with H one of love, not fear. This is just as/more challenging than facing the fear of losing him sometimes. The fear of all the pain he's caused me. The fear of more bad treatment in the future. My fear of his anger. My fear of his ability to walk out, to fight me financially in court, ETc. I actively try to change my attitude to one of love and compassion. Like - "He's too scared to work on D, he's in the middle of his mother issues, he's hurting and only knows how to express it by hurting me back" etc.
Hope this helps. I have to work on love replacing fear every day. You are not alone.
The litany against fear: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
To answer Stronger (still can't figure out how to quote box), last time we had any contact was-
I texted him last Fri night (would have done this to anyone, don't think it was 'pursuit') b/c the priest from our little neighborhood in VA (where we used to live), who also did our marriage prep/confirmation was on Nat'l TV speaking at Kennedy's wake!
I was so surprised that I just texted him: "omigoodnes, Father X is on TV speaking at K's wake...I thought i recognized him"
He texts back"wow crazy stuff. how are you and your mom doing?"
I text back next day simply: "great, thanks. How is L.A.?"
He texts back 2 days later: "LA is good. weather is great. Been pretty busy working w my friends though"
That was our exchange. I have not done anything since. Have not seen since mid-July before he began his travels, and now he's in LA for another week or two, I think.
Y'know...I've been reading Gucci's posts to men about standing their ground. That's essentially what H did before he left...I mean we'd had issues for awhile but it was me who had doubts in the relationship for a bit. I was never going to leave or anything, but he knew sometimes I questioned if we were right for each other, or knew that I wanted a little more time on my own before getting married. He never respected the time I wanted in the early days...kinda pushed me into engagement/marraige before i was totally ready. I loved him, I just wanted a little more time on my own b/c was 24-25 at the time. Anyways, that's been a recurring theme in our marriage and of course the moment he stands his ground and feeling sick of my limbo, that's when I want him back and realize how much I love him. So Gucci's posts to other men worked w me as soon as H stood his ground...however I did not want to separate and he did anyway...and since then he's been doing the partying thing and all. I truly don't know that 'standing my ground' w him would do anything at this point, but saw how it worked w me when H left, I wanted him back.
At this point though he may have just convinced himself to much water under the bridge. i've stopped pleading and everything and for the past 3-4 months have done hardly any pursuit, i wait for him to initiate.
But this is where I am still in limboland, missing my H and wanting him back, but trying to get on w my life, GAL activities, 'let go and let god' to the extent i can.
Well, the way I see it, there's nothing to do or think about until he's back in town. So just relax and enjoy yourself. And your priest speaking at that particular person's wake....that is HUGE and I would have contacted him too. So no worries.
Thanks Stronger, you're right...not a whole lot I can do while he's still away but just have fun and do my own thing (and quiet my little mind from thinking about all of this!)
You mention that the Gucci method is not 'for the faint of heart'. Is that b/c you really, really in your head need to be ready to walk away?
Gucci - would still love any additional thoughts in light of posts above. THANKS!! -hhh
I support you in standing your ground. If not for him, for yourself. I have a hard time doing it, so I'm not saying its easy as the LBS. But they do notice. They notice we're not sitting around waiting for the crumbs they toss our way. What's good for the gander is good for the goose. That's my motto today.
