Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

You have a right to be open about this and to tell people. Of course, be discrete, but I would not allow your W to dictate to whom you can talk.

Oh, no worry there Thinker. Despite even my pre-DB shock and my life is over phase, I never allowed her to set the limits of who I spoke to. I was discrete and careful only to talk to those whom I could trust to keep it to themselves (not SP's "Themselves").

@Coach and @Thinker, I think I understand the emotion talk now. I will open up to her more. And I expect her to be the "wall" initially. Especially while I am pushing her comfort level a bit.

[givingitmyall]

Kids are in the bath and shower respectively. W is at a cooking class.

Still taking in the day. Feel terrible for my friend and his family. And, he, like the rest of us, appears to fit quite neatly into the LBS profile. Hope I have time to talk to him tonight before W gets home.

Interestingly, when I got home, I was interested to observe W and her attitude since I knew she had breakfast with my friend's W, which she neglected to tell me. Me: So, how was your day. W: Oh, just busy, lots of errands here and there. Yeah, right.

Anyway, W seemed mildly annoyed when I got home. Then she seemed to warm up. Her mood seemed to have casted a negative vibe over my S (he, like the old me, is moody - with Martin Seligman's help, I can change that too!). W said she was upset at herself for not getting her cooking stuff prepped earlier in the day.

I told W to go to her class, and I would take care of the dishes she apologized for leaving in the sink. Quite frankly, I just wanted her out so the kids and I could start having some fun. Made fish tacos for me and the kids, and within ten minutes or so of W leaving for her class, I had both kids laughing - we had a great time. My D put no less than 15 hair bows in my hair. I took a picture and emailed to W and posted it on my FB page.

More later.

[givingitmyall]

OK folks, I think I need some talking me down from the ledge, or maybe I need to vent this, or, more likely, BOTH.

Was on the phone last night with my friend, we will call him K. For those who haven't followed my posts yesterday, K called me yesterday to tell me his W asked him for a D back in July. K's W and my W are good friends.

Turns out that yesterday morning, my W and K's W had breakfast together. My W did not tell me about this, nor has she told me. No big deal. Sneaky, but no sweat.

Here's that part that has me pi$$ed off this morning. During the breakfast meeting yesterday of the "WAW sisters," my W gives K's W a copy of a D petition my W prepared back in April (pre-bomb so she could have all her ducks in a row to kick me to the curb). I have NEVER seen or heard of this petition.

I am not mad she prepared the petition. He!!, I even chuckled about it last night. But this morning, I have anger that my W has now taken it upon herself to assist in the breaking up of ANOTHER family. K and his W have two special needs kids. HOW DARE MY W HELP IN THIS!!

I don't think I'm off base here, and I don't think this is a sign of not being detached. I have no anger/resentment as it relates to my M. But, I am A...N...G...R...Y... at this person to whom I am M'd. And as if I wasn't already questioning whether I still want my W, I sure as he!! am now. Doesn't my W realize what she's doing??? I know, "No, she doesn't." But she SHOULD know better.

We have been to these peoples' house for dinner, and our kids have played together and are friends. What the he!! is wrong with her?

It took a lot just to speak to my W this morning. I did not show ANY of my emotions to her...NONE.

OK, that's the emotional side, and it feels good to get that out. Now for the logical side. The logical side says my W is doing what any other friend probably would...providing support to help her friend stop hurting as quickly as possible.

Now, I cannot reveal to my W that I know what's going on with K and his W. And I won't betray K's confidence under any circumstance.

I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

[Coach]

Why can't you let your wife know how you feel and why you think this is none of her business? Nothing wrong with the way you feel. If you tell her you make it about the behavior not personal. Has holding your feelings/thoughts back in the past been a "Nice Guy" technique? (Don't want to tell her how I feel it might upset her.)

OK, that's the emotional side, and it feels good to get that out. Now for the logical side. The logical side says my W is doing what any other friend probably would...providing support to help her friend stop hurting as quickly as possible.

So you can validate part of it. But don't you matter as well? You will start loving your wife better when you start loving yourself better. You can handle it.

[givingitmyall]

Coach, I hear you in my anger has been released thought pattern.

Here's the rub. I am not angry FOR ME. I am upset she would participate in breaking up another family. OK, so, I guess that means you're right - I am angry for me.

But, I cannot reveal I know about it b/c my friend needs my help right now, help that I think should be provided in confidence.

If I reveal to my W I know (which I am NOT inclined to do - not b/c I am fearrful for ME, but b/c it could blow up my friend's sitch), then my friend's W will know my friend and I are "teaming up" to try to beat the D his W says she wants. I do not suspect my W is at the "D is the only option" phase anymore.

So, how to handle this. I cannot breach my friend's confidence, and I won't.

[Coach]

then my friend's W will know my friend and I are "teaming up" to try to beat the D his W says she wants.

So your wife and K's wife can talk about and share info about divorcing you two but you don't want to rock the boat. How is you talking to your wife about your outrage concerning your wife enabling K's wife to walk away betraying K's confidence if you let him know?

Isn't one of the complaints here from the LBS about how few friends take a stand supporting marriage and counsel our spouses to think?

How did K get his intel and why did he tell you?

It's bothering you because she is disrespecting something that is important to you and that you have been working hard to resolve.

Taking a stand for marriage and keeping families together is honorable. Sometimes the leader of the pack needs to keep the other dogs in line by growling and letting his displeasure be known. No harm done but the message is clear.

Strength and Honor.

[antlers]

Taking a stand for marriage and keeping families together is honorable.

Yep.

[givingitmyall]

Guys, not disputing what you're saying.

Got a little more info. Yesterday at 8:00 am, my W emailed to K's W the divorce petition she prepared back in April just before lowering the boom on me. K knows this b/c he can access the email account for his family. His W does NOT know this. K has not told his W he knows about the existence of the D Petition.

So, I don't think I can let my W know I know. How else would I know other than through K.

I am also txt'ing K right now. While no one knows for sure, I suspect his W is involved with OM. Fits the pattern. So, I am the does he confront or not confront just yet argument.

Thoughts?

[givingitmyall]

So, I have now seen the Petition for D my W drafted and that she does not know I have. Hurts to see what she was contemplating, and she's nuts if she thinks I would sign it.

I feel like she is past wanting a D (never certain). So, I am not going to let this linger. But, I felt I needed to face any fear I had about reading the petition.

[Dia]

I am lurking and here to offer moral support. I'm not so sure I have any good advice.

I guess if I were to get into a talk with her about not enabling your friend's D, I would say something along the lines of, "I know you want her pain to end, but moving her closer to D will create many *years* of pain for their children. Tearing a family apart is serious business, and I don't think any of us should be advocating that for them right now."