My mother forwarded an email WAW sent her the other day. It is pretty long and detailed and full of script - WAW tried so hard for so long, I wasn't there, WAW is sad, doesn't want to lose im-laws but all friends and family say it is no surprise, things won't be much different for S anyway since JKL was a bad father for years, etc. I want to give my mother some advice on how to reply.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I know. My mother wants to go after her, tell her to get her head out of her a$$ and work things out. But that won't be productive. I want to help my mother craft a response that fits with what I am doing - listening, validating, yet also showing room for possibilities.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Been spending yesterday and today cleaning out the house as WAW packs and prepares for the move out tomorrow. Been just focused on the task and hand and ignoring the enormity of it all...
Last night, I was in the basement and happened to get "Fireproof" in the Netflix queue and popped it in. W had never heard of it and I said she probably wouldn't want to watch it. We watched 1/2 or so before getting tired and calling it a night. It was tough to watch, because I certainly can relate to the main character in terms of behavior leading up to a rift, and I think we are too far gone for ever really piecing this back together. This AM, W brought up movie, said how she could relate to it also to the main character, as she tried to do things to "get me bacl" in thre past when I was not engaged in the M. Funny how the WAS/LBS roles can easily flip-flop.
She broke down and cried and got into how this all was so hard, that she tries so hard at everything and feels like a failure, and she is so hurt and sad that she is doing this now. I listened, told her that I accept my blame in it all, and that this is what we need to do right now. We need to space to think and heal. Who knows what will happen in the future and let's now worry about it right now.
She said she knows she has seen changes in me and that I am a better person already than 5 months ago, and that she probably will see me happier with someone else now that she is leaving. I said I plan to think real long and hard about what I want and all that there is between us, and maybe she is right, maybe not (in terms of me not really being happy with her as my wife). I know the next relationship will be much better, and I still hope it is with her but who knows. She said she just knows she could never get back together with me; that she has been like this for 2 years and is over it all.
But she says she wants to finish the movie, so I said let's get together sometime and watch it.
Tough weekend, but I am doing really well. I hate to see her hurting, and I am a bit torn in my "helping" as this stuff happens, but it is for my own interests and not to actually enable and help her leave. Seeing her hurt this much gives me a tiny bit of hope but we'll see what happens when she walks her path starting tomorrow. I got my own path I am on...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I'm good. Watching movies now with S and we are having a dude's night while W preps her new place. She gave me a kiss goodbye (quick peck on the lips) tonight as she left. I said " see ya later."
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Moving truck came today and house is a lot emptier, in many different ways. I was trying to think of a letter to write or a speech to give W, but in the end I said basically "I hope you find the peace and healing you are after." she said she hoped so too. Also said she had imagined this moment a lot in the past couple of years, but this is different than she thought it would be. She imagined it with me yelling and telling her off rather than how I have acted (with calm and as much love as I can). I'm thankful she said that and glad I continue to show through actions that her thoughts of me are wrong.
At some point this morning W said to me something referring to the hopeful but unlikely future I have described where we get our stuff together and reconcile. She said next time or whatever, she will wear her wedding dress that she has saved and still can fit into, and we will exchange vows on an island beach with just us. So somewhere in there, she has at least allowed her mind to imagine such a scenario.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
