Yes, I think you guys are going to be okay too. Better than that actually because this whole calamity has caused you both to look at things differently. Now you are talking about them which is a big deal.
It is so nice to see all that has gone into this and that it can get you through the other side. Maybe it is timing, maybe it is the strength of your bond, maybe it is luck or maybe all of the above with a bunch of love thrown in.
Hugs to you Hope. I couldn't be prouder.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. You trying to make me cry? Good think my admin is out this afternoon and all the guys are busy away from the office. I have an image to keep up ya know!
I agree with you. I know I look at things a whole lot differently now, and I think W is too.
I don't know how we're going to survive it when so many others don't. Maybe because I'm too pig headed to quit? I do think that without my group of friends here (and a couple of very close friends in RL) we'd never have made it. Once you understand how these things can happen, it does make it easier to detach/forgive/love from a distance.
I also think no one should underestimate just what impact my S17 had. I'm sure W believed all the crap OM was telling her and she was ready to move on to a ready made life with him and she thought everyone would just be happy for her, our kids included. But when he shreaded her that night 15 months ago, that was the dose of reality she needed. It still took oh so long and I was ready to give up so many times, but every time I'd look at him or his brother, I just had to give it more effort because I didn't want them to have to deal with separate birthdays and Christmas' etc.
Timing? I'm sure that played a part. S17 being so close to graduating H.S. made W agreeable to staying married until he was done with school which gave me over 2 years to DB my A** off. Whole bunch of love? Yep, that too. I don't think I ever realized just what real love is until this. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved W, but when you have to love without any expectations of getting ANYTHING in return, you find out just what it means. And that's one good thing that's come out of this.
It's taught me patience that I never knew I had and never thought I could possibly muster. And that's helped in all area's of my life.
So...I guess I'm saying that I can see how this mess can make our marriage stronger, if we do the work and take what we've learned to make it better. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer it never happened, but what's the saying? When life gives you lemons, make lemonaid?
Thanks Kat.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
You've made it! I always thought that if you could get through this, you two would be stronger and happier than ever. There will always be ups and downs, but you two are changed forever. No more taking for granted what you both have, and what you both came to losing. I'm so happy for you! Enjoy your life! Keep talking, and keep showing love in the way she needs to feel it.
WDID, you're right. I've had to hold myself back since this weekend. Even though I know we've crossed the biggest hurdle, there's still lots of work to do and I'm not going to blow it. W still needs to deal with some demons. Even with her admission this weekend, she's still dealing with it and will be for a while I suspect.
But it's good. Had lunch with W today and it was nice. I keep thinking back to two years ago and she didn't want me anywhere near her while she was at work (or home for that matter) and now she's excited when I ask her if she wants to have lunch with me and continuously asks me to stop by her office when I'm in the area. Boy how things have changed.
Thanks for all your support.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I know I am not going anywhere. You can just call us "support central". LOL Good to hear all the positives and that you both know there are some more hurdles.
akt
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've had a little time to read some threads here and it continues to shock and amaze me that we're going to make it. I know I could get the shock of my life and find out W is just F'in with me, but every day she does something that makes me smile and see just how much the fog has cleared and it seems so genuine.
We continue to talk and discuss things like we haven't in years. Yesterday we went to a cookout at my mom's house and then mom and W went to a baby shower for my niece. My niece had a baby boy about 3 weeks ago, 2.5 months early. He was 1 lb 10 oz at birth and has a long way to go, but he's growing and is strong and the Dr's have said for his age and development he's doing great.
So anyway, last night when we got home, W and I were talking and somehow in the conversation it came up how W always holds stuff in when she is angry and I mentioned that her being angry and not expressing it to me leads to things building up in her to a point that anger greatly exceeds what she was angry about in the first place. I asked her to be honest with me and to speak freely. She related how she saw her mom beat up (some times literally) by her step dad when her mom spoke her mind and that she was afraid to get hurt if she spoke her mind. I grabbed her and held her and told her "I'll never hurt you". She said she knew I wouldn't, but it's still hard when its how you grew up.
I told her I understood. It's the same way with my mom. Mom is very opinionated and in my family, debate is standard fare when we're all together. To an outsider you would think that we're arguing, but we're not, it's just debate and we all have strong wills....so to W she feels like we're not letting the other person voice their opinion when we constantly challenge them. I told her I understood and I know I've done that in the past with her and that I KNOW she's felt like her opinions didn't matter. I also told her that I've recognized my family is that way for a long time and I've been working on it for a long time and if she sees me doing it, to speak up and call me on it so I know she's feeling put down.
The convo was great. And I see W doing it even before we talked about it last night. On Friday night we went on our date and came home and were talking and talking and it was getting late and I was feeling like getting up close and personal which I know W was too so I suggested we go to bed and W said "I'm going to have a smoke and then we can go". So we sat there for a while longer and she hadn't gone out to smoke yet so I just decided I was too tired and told W I was going to bed. I went upstairs and she went out to smoke.
When I got in bed I got a TM and she said don't get pissy with me. Apparently when I closed the basement door after putting the dogs downstairs she felt like I closed the door a little strongly making her think I was mad. I replied that I wasn't mad, just tired and just was going to bed. She TM'd back that she thought I was mad and she apologized for the misunderstanding. I apologized for closing the door a little strong, but that it wasn't my intention and it's all good. She came to bed a few minutes later and attacked me! Yes Sara, could have made a Sailor blush....
So after our conversation last night we went to bed and talked some more and ML again and when we were done I looked at her and told her I loved her and she got this great big smile on her face and made this huge contented noise. We fell asleep snugging the night away....
I leave for my out of town work this evening. I HATE that the timing couldn't be worse, but at the same time it'll give W a chance to really miss me....and I'll be home Friday night and W has already planned our weekend for us...
It's still so hard to believe we're where we are. There have even been a few days this past week when I didn't think about OM and what a slime ball he is. And when I do think about the sitch, the pain just isn't what it used to be. Heck, last Friday was D Day anniversary and I didn't even think about it once!
Talk to ya all soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
SHE IS COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THat is HUGE! And you are too! She is trusting you, Hope. Are you ok with never asking for more details about the A? I think it is time to leave the past in the past, and move ahead together...communicating the whole way.
