Man the Doc has entered the twilight zone............ Wife is being nice....she seems happy... She may be happy because the end is near. She might be nice to me because she knows I have had enough. Not sure why and I am NOT going to try to figure it out. Like I said she is being nice to me but has put forth ZERO effort to work on US.
My quasi "councilor" wrote me today and said:
"She's damaged, wants out, and wants you to be the one to end it. It doesn't have anything to do with the other man. She's just lost, wallowing in guilt if she has a conscience or drowning in drama if she doesn't, and needs to be led to the exit door. It doesn't have anything to do with your present state, and she won't be happy with anybody else, including the other guy."
I am not being sarcastic when I say my wife has mental problems. I think all of the DB tactics might work in a normal sitch. But I am dealing with a woman who acts normal in every way until it comes to us. I know I have said this many times but I really think I can go through with it now. The only thing I am sad about is that my son will not have a “normal family life” but I did not do this to him. In fact if wife though of our son Half as much I have in what actins I was going to take we would not be here right now. She Threw our family away for one night of lies. I have worked to keep the family together for over two years so now marriage wise I have nothing left to lose.…
My quasi "councilor" also wrote
That XXXXXXXXXXX tune is the worst kind of depravity. It can be taken two ways. It either starts with self-immolation and evolves into self-validation in spite of having done wrong, or else it's a suicide poem set to music. Either way, it's sick. CXXXXX BaXXXXXXXX is a pretty sick Goth individual; he did some of the music for "Queen of the Damned," one of the movies from Ann Rice's "The Vampire Chronicles."
Take a break while you're gone, and when you get back, tell her that she has the choice of being a wife or being divorced, and whichever one she's going to be is going to be decided in that moment and will begin in the next, and that it's not an ultimatum at all; the two of you have just come to a crossroads and she's going to have to decide if she's walking the path with you or without you, because you're done living as you have been, and it's time to fix it or end it. No more drama, no more deliberating, no more talking about it, no more you doing everything to try to bring it together while she does nothing. Do, or do not; there is no try.
Enough R talk.. The reservations have been made. I have been working on the jeep cleaning it up for my “Farwell tour” in Washington..(Leaving on the 10th of Sept) I plan on trying different things and maybe smoke some funny things think about making love out by the lake to my favorite song Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow Singing Sweet home Alabama all week long
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I don't believe your W threw it away for one night of lies. I think that night was a symptom and not the cause.
I do believe however that she does appear unwilling to address what it is that makes her feel so unsexual etc. I do believe she loves you, and as you know, I have often wondered if the ONS was down to her trying to see if her sexual side still worked and whether it was you that was the problem, (i.e. she was not sexually attracted to you), or whether she had just lost that side of her feelings generally. I think you have your answer by the fact that she is still there. IMO, I don't think she feels sexually towards anyone. However, she is happier leaving it that way than addressing it.
If it were me, I would be looking at this as a sex starved M and whether one could kick start things and if not, looking at just what a deal breaker that was. I do not beleive the ONS is ANY indicator of her love for you. That is just my personal opinion, as someone who has actually gone through periods of not feeling sexual at all for whatever reason. I now know it is important to push myself through that because once things start rolling along I really enjoy it.....and actually I will become the one with the HD. But it is a big thing to actually get to that point. That is where I believe your W has problems. For whatever reason she won't push herself that extra mile.
If you can't live with that then you need to move on. But in many ways she does show her love for you now - she just won't do it sexually.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Your W is not insane because she isn't interested in sex. And, you are NOWHERE near done with your M. You are swinging wildly, acting out.
Chill. Taking a break is good. Read PM. Do not put forward idle threats, and don't do anything further regarding D until you have some stable thoughts about it for a few months.
Now, regarding your 90% of the work tantrum, quit blaming her, this is your choice. Instead, if you are tired of doing that much work, STOP. Indeed, this is probably the best thing for your R -- give her some space to help, to figure out what she wants.
Have you ever tried to work on a project with someone who winds up doing all the work and considers your contributions poor? Not much of a motivator, huh?
Read PM.
And, one night of sex is NOT the problem. Saffie is right.
OT - I suggested the book PM ages ago. I don't think Doc liked it too much. Just for your info.
Also Doc, don't forget that your W HAS pushed herself outside her comfort zones on occasions - Retro being a big one of those. I think you need to remember the good things too. You maybe need to ask her out right about the sex side of things and if she will go for help - otherwise I don't think she will. I think you need to be very clear on this- not nasty - considerate but clear. You and your W both have a way of pussy footing around things that bother you rather than addressing them directly. You are naturally both procrastinators and that doesn't always work well in a R when there is a problem that needs sorting.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
"You and your W both have a way of pussy footing around things that bother you rather than addressing them directly"
Saffie and OT I think the fog is clearing in MY head. I read your posts and yes it comes down to am I willing to live without Sex and intimacy. Well ….80 percent of me says NO. And I am afraid if I did stay as we are it will eventually lead to me having and affair. I had an errand to run and as I passed wife’s office/bedroom I said;
(Calmly) Me: you know wife, it’s really a shame that we will be ending our marriage just because I want Sex and intimacy and you are unwilling to give it to me
W: What do you want me to do fake it? (She has asked this question before)
Me: No But It would be nice if you tried to overcome this problem, you have not tried anything except seek out someone else.
W: I am not seeking someone else
Me; you sought out someone else when you could have come to me and talked about it
The conversation ended there and I went on my errand. BUT I started thinking... Ya know whenever she asked “what do you want me to do fake it? I always said no...
When I got home I told her about some trouble I had with the job and then said:
Me: Wife... I was thinking...yes I would like you to fake it. At least I could see that you would be trying. Of course that depends on how good of an actress you are Wife: (smiled)
After that our conversations for the day have been back to normal… More to come I am on a roll now
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
"Saffie and OT I think the fog is clearing in MY head. I read your posts and yes it comes down to am I willing to live without Sex and intimacy."
I certainly wouldn't be willing to live like that.
Anyway, if you seek intimacy, FAKING is not the way to get it.
Still, there is something to be said for having sex before your feel like it. If W is like many women, if she hasn't had sex in a long time, she isn't likely to want it until she has sex. Conversely, the more sex, the more she may want it.
I'm not a big fan of giving self-help books to others. But, I wonder if in this case it is worth trying to read SSM together. I don't know what it says about sharing it with your spouse.
I scanned it once or twice briefly. One big thing it recommends is to have sex and let the desire come after you start.
On another note, if the faking comment is a frequent one of your W's, it may point to her NOT wanting to go back to an inauthentic sexual R with you. She may feel she has to perform during sex to make you happy, thus making sex tedious and boring for her. The last thing you want to do is to encourage her to fake enjoyment for your benefit.
How about: "No way do I want you to fake it. But, I do want you to try it and be open to finding out you enjoy it along the way."
How about: "No way do I want you to fake it. But, I do want you to try it and be open to finding out you enjoy it along the way."
I like this...
As for HER trying to make me happy....like our marriage I was always trying to make her happy. Making sure her needs were taking care of first. (Or so I thought) maybe I was not as demanding in my needs as I should have been....
Originally Posted By: oldtimer
Still, there is something to be said for having sex before your feel like it. If W is like many women, if she hasn't had sex in a long time, she isn't likely to want it until she has sex.
This is what I am thinking, ..this is how I have felt she needs… Could I be making progress again?
Last edited by Dr LOve; 09/01/0908:11 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
