I'm glad that you didn't seem to be put off by my reply. After I pressed 'send' I thought that perhaps my left brain was bit out of control. I am analytical by nature. That can be both a blessing and a curse.
First of all...........what is a DAM???? Please educate me.
Secondly, after reading your synopsis I think it might help you more if rather than offering you my opinion (not sure how much that is worth since I don't know the players as well as you do) I ask you questions that might help to clarify your thoughts. You don't need to share your answers here, but hopefully these questions from an objective female 3rd party might be helpful.
1. Why did GF break things off w/her son's father? What made her realize that she wasn't in love w/ him? Did she try to work through problems with him or did she break it off without communicating her concerns to him?
2. Do you think GF is interested in a long-term relationship at this point? When I was 38 (I think you said GF is ~38) I was planning for the 2nd half of my life. Women are supposed to be driven by security (have you read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It?" by Pat Love and Steven Stosny? I highly recommend it for its description of the female perspective.) I know that the search for security has played an important role in my mate selections even though I am quite self-sufficient. Do you think that you represent security (i.e. financial, emotional) to your GF?
3. Do you know what GF's expectations from a long-term relationship are? I'm asking because I gather from your comments that you are looking for a long-term relationship. Are her expectations from a long-term relationship consistent with yours? Do you think GF's expectations from a long-term relationship are realistic?
4. Re: her hesitation to move forward b/c she's "not right" and needs to figure that part out, it sounds as though you're not certain what she means by that. When I was in my 20's I repeatedly said something like this to a man who cared very much for me. I said this because I was trying to learn how to be healthier in a relationship after my 1st marriage ended (I didn't have this behavior modeled for me growing up). I had reservations about my compatibility with this man but he treated me better than my previous relationship (abusive 1st husband) so I was honestly 'trying on' a new type of relationship for me. It took me at least 1-2 years to figure out how I felt about this man. I think if I had gone to counseling at that time I would have figured things out more quickly. Is GF in IC?
5. Do you think GF has healthy boundaries? or unhealthy boundaries? Because of family of origin issues I have always had trouble with boundaries. I tend to have very high boundaries that can collapse quickly with the right trigger(s). I am working on that. Your GF may have similar boundary issues. Maybe you could try to have a talk with her about that topic if the opportunity arises. This could be one of the reasons you're feeling like you're not making clear progress?????
I hope that some of this is helpful. I'm heading off to bed now.
