I just remembered a very cool lady I know who found out that her H was having an affair. She calmly told him "I know that you are having an affair with X and I hope you know that you are not the only one she is sleeping with. There are a lot of nasty diseases out there so you should be careful. We are over until you decide what you want." She gave him a giant box of condoms and to say that he was flabbergasted would be an understatement. She also told him that she had no more to say on the matter until he decided what he wanted. She continued to cook, wash but not sleep with him and for some reason within two months the A was over.She GALed and went about her business but was always pleasant to her H. He decided that it was't worth it and that his W was so cut and dried that it had scared him.He came clean with her and as far as she knows never had an A again. She never stopped doing "wifey' things because she "knew" how to handle her R and she "knew" that her H would come to his senses.
Oh, and SD is right. I wouldn't stop doing the cooking and washing out of spite but because for some people is is not easy to detach if you are still doing these things. You are the best judge of what you can handle. As we can see from the lady I spoke about above, you can do these things and detach. Depends on what works for you!
Oz - just found this wise piece of advice in someone else's thread. Hope that it helps as I think that we are getting confused between detaching and letting go ... it's certainly helped me to work it out.
Originally Posted By: BillM
Well, your emotions are going to be all over the place. Don't "let go" - detatch. The changes you're doing are for you. You're doing them regardless.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Detaching is sad and scary to me, but better than staying on the roller coaster. You can only take that for so long when you have no control over the choices. You can be sure that he is appreciating the space you are giving him, if nothing else.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Hi Kara thanks for dropping in with your great advice. I have been very good with the no emails, sms or phone calls (yes I used to be guilty of it a lot), so I stopped completely unless it is essential then I am very brief and to the point.
I wear the sexy nightwear not for H but for me because it makes me feel good, don't think he notices any more, he used to.
I think I will continue with the washing etc, as I have to anyway for D and myself but I have got a bit slack with the ironing and it isn't always done straight away or every week anymore.
I no longer ask him anything about his day, or why he is late or anything in fact conversation is at a complete bare minimum and is usually initiated by him.
I really do have to put my mind to it now that the move is over and I have started to get some things organised to resemble a home.
It is time to get back into my GALing and setting the clear goals of what I want to achieve for myself in the next six months.
I have often wondered about if there is an OW if he even has thought about icky diseases as such because I know he has a hatred for condoms and these things have played on my mind a bit.
The concept of detaching I don't think will be easy but I am going to try my hardest. I know I can't change him and can't control what he is doing at the moment, but it is very tempting to try.
I am hoping by the time the weekend rolls around I will be feeling a much less tired and much happier OZ ready to get moving again as I had been doing really well.
As I replied to Kara I will keep going with the laundry etc as I have to do it any way and I am far from a spiteful person and never want H to go away whether temporarily or permanently with that picture in his mind. I want to always be a much better person that whoever he goes off with.
I like the bit about wild monkey sex, that is far distant memory. Who knows may H and it will return in time, will have to wait and see I guess, as you said earlier it is a marathon, so I will try to look at it that way with many many months of hard work ahead to achieve a result.
You know I have given him space for 26 years but he wants more and I don't really know if he appreciates any of the extra space I am giving him. Yes definitely have to start reciting a mantra to myself during the day about not thinking of him and just thinking of me.
I am good though, I don't carry my phone with me everywhere now to check constantly for missed calls etc. and if he does happen to ring I don't always answer and if I do I don't straight away.
We will get there my friend especially with the friends who keep dropping in for the regulation pep talks and reminders, because you do forget sometimes.
I have just realised that it is nearly 1 month since H dropped his third and final bomb of I don't want to be married anymore and sent me the email and guess what I am still alive and have survived for one month, so I guess anything is possible and we can and will survive.
We will survive - no matter what. I'm just finding the thought of being on my own in the future more than unpalatable right now and I'm sure that there are heaps of us sharing that boat.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Coach and GIMA are better at this than I am, but I think it's the concept of letting go of the outcome, but not really letting go of the person. Not pursuing, but not going all cold and withdrawn.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
