If she truly was ready to be a wife and mother she would be making the effort to do so. Part of believing none of what they say is to also disregard some of this positive spin she's putting on. Her actions are saying, "I'm still living the single life and really want to hook up with OM, but I'm lonely when he isn't around". You are a fallback plan...a safety net. It can't be as easy as that.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
this is all out of order i guess but its in my head so I will just post it as it flows out
she has it in her head that i will just take her right back. I have told her i wont. ive made it clear i want to spend time with her and thats it nothing else
so later when she was leaving she mentioned how she was going to jail and how her stuff that was left over like clothes can be thrown out. I said well I will be your friend when you get out too. she said yeah if i dont push you away by then. I said why? and she said idk i guess i keep doing that
earlier she says "I know you want more but i only want to be friends... I dont want anyone right now. I dont want anyone close to me because I need to go through this alone I dont need anyone to count on"
she refered to me to night as the old___ and new____ I was a bit shocked because ive changed sorta but not really like the DB says if anything I have gone back to the way I was befor all of the bad stuff. you know just me i dont really care what she does but i care about her.
she pissed me off a bit the way she talks about OM like he is some great guy even though they arnt togeather. which is how we got into the conversation on the new/old me.
she said I was controling befor I asked how and she said well you told me what to do and when to do it. WTF??? I always thought because I was like do what ever I Dont Care. so im confused what the heck she is thinking
says thats why she cheated because I was controling (I said well had i been controling how would have you been able to cheat? you had time to do it because i did just the oposite) she says thats the past and makes no differance on us now (another WTF?)
Me thinking... it has everything to do with us thats how we got to this point.
The LBS being described by the WAS as "controlling" is pure script. Don't let it effect you or bother you. It's all part of her delusion to try to reshape you into the mold she needs you to be in within her mind.
The LBS being described by the WAS as "controlling" is pure script. Don't let it effect you or bother you. It's all part of her delusion to try to reshape you into the mold she needs you to be in within her mind.
so what do i do then just keep doing what im doing i guess huh? she must be seeing a "new me" even though its not new its what she had and misses? oh i forgot she was watching the girls today because i had no daycare for them because school starts tomarrow. well she was watching them here all day and she was just texting me alot today I mean ALOT bassically since she came out of her hidding she has been doing that. some times she stops for a few hours or so (makes me wonder whats up)but then she starts up. im guessing it's her starting to miss me. seeing what she had and still will not have once she goes to jail.
so what do i do then just keep doing what im doing i guess huh?
Basically, yes. If your W appears to be crying out for someone to rescue her, you have to ask yourself if you were to step in would that ultimately cause more harm than good.
Just to back-track a little: the hardest thing to realize is that each of us really does not have the ability to control another person. Influence, maybe. Control, no. Not without causing harm to one or both parties. The best we can do is to control ourselves (and often times many people screw that up too).
We have no reasonable right to presume to control another person's life when we cannot control our own. And yet that is precisely what many "control-freaks" (like my xW) presume to do. They avoid facing their lack of self-control by re-focusing on their own attempts to control others.
(This is a lesson for anyone of us, and all of us, to learn. I am referring to your W's hang-ups, but see that you do not fall prey to that as well.)
So, instead, focus on what you can control, yourself, and continue with your own life. If your W has removed herself from your purview through her actions and is unrepentant of those actions, then there really is nothing you can or should do at this point, but to continue onward for your sake and for your family's sake. You need to be concerned for your children first and foremost now; your W has, through her actions, relegated her own self far lower down in your priorities.
This is a sad and difficult predicament, one requiring a lot of serious thought -- especially since it sounds like you are still at the point where you do not know how you stand regarding her. For my own self and my viewpoint, I whole-heartedly believe in kindness and mercy where warranted, but not at the expense of the innocent.
you are right in that I dont know how i stand regarding her... there is a point where i want nothing to do with her and then there is a side where i want nothing but her.. she sounds so close now where you can almost see her thinking WOW i screwed up and i want to ome back, I want to fix what i screwed up
but then she goes back to her old ways. acts like im the one who grabbed her by the arm and said go cheat go walk away from your family go steal.
so much of her is right by the book of a WAS but so much is not. through this whole thing she has always kept in contact almost daily which so many other LBS never get anything for months or years (maybe this is what has kept my hope up)
alot of me thinks she has to finish hitting rock bottom first. its like she just heard the alarm to wake her up from this dream world maybe opened her eyes for half a second and hit the snooze button sitting there asleep still but right at the edge of waking up from this dream she created.
She's not ready. She's still spouting script so she is not ready to face her own faults and work to win you back.
I would say that the interaction doesn't sound attractive to me...which is why she gave you a brush off. You saying, "I'll still be your friend" is just LBH script for, "I'll be the guy on the side that pines away for you under the guise of 'friends' until you give me another chance." You need to be more the guy that doesn't give a rip. She needs to TRULY fear that she's losing you...not have you offer her the pseudo-friend waiting in the wings. Besides, with friends like her, who needs enemies?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
She's not ready. She's still spouting script so she is not ready to face her own faults and work to win you back.
I would say that the interaction doesn't sound attractive to me...which is why she gave you a brush off. You saying, "I'll still be your friend" is just LBH script for, "I'll be the guy on the side that pines away for you under the guise of 'friends' until you give me another chance." You need to be more the guy that doesn't give a rip. She needs to TRULY fear that she's losing you...not have you offer her the pseudo-friend waiting in the wings. Besides, with friends like her, who needs enemies?
she is the one who keeps saying i want to be friends and I say yeah Im not interested in more
Hey PD, I would be interested to hear your take on the rebuilding a friendship. Do you think that that shouldnt be worried about until the bad behavior ends? Im kind of salty about the idea of being my H's friend...esp lately...
Hi WL, I think that she is hoping that you will come rescue her, but I dont think that she really wants that. Or will respect it if you do. I agree that she needs to totally hit rock bottom first, but part of this is that this is HER road, and she is going to have to start the recovery from her terrible choices on her own too.
Just be calm and take care of yourself and your kids. I have a feeling that things will become clearer soon.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
thanks bluerain, i was wondering when you would chime in again. I wish this whole thing was as simple as me being "controling" Im just lost as to what needs or should be done. I say this because if im too dark it does push her away but if im too nice and there for her then she will just walk all over me. I can see how she would use me as the fall back person until she feels better and then im dirt again.
now from what my father has been told her whole deal with the money is the D/A can take 10 months or so befor they even charge her or arrest her. I dont like that it can take so long but, I guess they would rather work on bigger crimes (even though hers is pretty bad) It is a small town so I hope they get to it soon. now she has no job so no income and i would think she would loose her APT soon and OM will of course loose his free ticket. I dont plan on telling her about the time frame because if she gets a job it might allow her more time in her little dream. I dont think this is being mean after all as you guys have said it's her problem not mine. and why should i help her live this dream with OM. its so sick though that he is such a user and scum but she cant see it..
