Hi Orich, I think I have to agree with Sara about all of this. I was one that stayed after you about detaching, but I am not convinced that you know what it is even now. I know you are "trying" but you are still asking if you are suppose to ignore your W and you aren't. You aren't suppose to be "cold" toward her or snub her in any way. I am not sure you get that yet. I don't think you really know how to detach without being one of these ways and I feel that your W is doing to you exactly what you are doing with her. She doesn't know or understand what is behind these strange actions of yours and all she has is her "imagination" b/c you aren't communicating with her, right? Just like she isn't communicating with you and you are "thinking" and "wondering" about what she's thinking all the time. The two of you make me think of my H & me. Our biggest problem was communicating. I can tell you this....it can kill a M, so both of you better learn to open up and talk and listen to each other. The retreat will be a good place to begin, but I just hope that you won't swing too far the other way in trying to do what you think is detaching.
She said she didn't want you hurting her any more.....so what did you do to hurt her? I bet you don't even know! Did you simply accept the blame and didn't find out what you did to cause her pain? Maybe I missed that post. You just seemed so eager to please and yet didn't really talk it out.
Detaching is a mental attitude, Orich. You can go out and get a life until you fall dead with a heart attack and not be detached! On the other hand, you can sit in the same room with your S for twenty years and be as detached as a D couple! It is all in your attitude. So, you can save yourself some trouble by doing all this stuff trying to stay away from her--and just get it right in your mind.
What is she doing all this time you are away? Is she hurt by you not spending time with her or not talking to her? You have been so confused by all this detaching talk here on the obard, and have tried so many different ways to do what you "thought" was detaching that I'm sure she is hurt by your behavior. Anyway, what's done is done about that.
How would you act around a kid sister that was like a little pest? Would you ignore her or be cold or unkind? I doubt it. I bet you could have an idea how to treat a kid sister. Would that give you a better idea of what everyone is talking about? BTW, don't feel bad, b/c you certainly aren't the first and won't be the last to not get the hang of detaching. Hang in there until time for the retreat and then like Sara said, pack a different bag to take with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
