You are totally right, Stronger. You articulated very well what I am doing. I'm being respectful because that's what I want. I am being calm because that is what I want. The problem is that even when I am respectful first, he is still often hostile, yelling, critical. I am still devoted to being only in control of myself, not him (as you have said before) so I am focusing on staying calm and kind no matter what he does. I'm no saint, but when I felt myself losing it the other night, I took my walk and calmed down.
I guess what I am saying is that for the long run, over time, I am treating him the way I want to be treated, and over time I hope H catches on. This is my work right now, my focus, instead of changing him. He hasn't totally followed my lead yet but I do see progress. I also am developing the inner stregth to say no matter what our problems have been, if he can't join me on being kinder and calmer also, I won't take him back.
