WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[MrBond]

cipa,

Forget about getting back together with her right now. You need to talk to her to get rid of the tension right now between the two of you because your sons are suffering because of them.

Take charge, tell her you did not appreciate her infidelity and blaming you all the months while she was doing it and that all of that would be handled by your L's. You are now interested in your sons' well being and want to be sure they come out of this as unharmed as possible. Call her out on her crap of not showing up for the games, etc. Again this is about them not you and her. Stick to that.

Whether you want to press for the D or not, that's up to you. You were betrayed and want her to pay. I totally get that. To this day my W has never shown any regret or remorse. In that survivinginfidelity website, I learned alot about the triggers that would set me off and how my reactions were totally natural. Face up to your own feelings rather than "blaming" yourself for things.

Eventually you will have to coparent with your W. Think of it that way. Put the welfare of your kids first. They may need C. If your W disagrees, then you have to be at a comfortable enough place with her to debate her about it.

Right now I see them being stuck in a tug of war between you two. Man-up, grow-up even if she doesn't want to.

[sandi2]

So how do I extend something to open that door while retaining my own dignity and self respect considering what she had done in cheating on me as well as the cruel way she has handled it the past 7 months????? Right now I don't want her back but it's what my boys wish for more than anything else right now. So, if I would die for my children, why couldn't I do this for them.....

I may get stoned for saying this, but I for one could not live with somebody just for my kid's sake. I love my children to death, but in a M there is you and the other person. In a "family" there are the children. The kids aren't in those intimate times with your S and they aren't in a lot of things where your R with your S is concerned. The kids aren't there in the M after they are grown and on there own, either. There are a lot of years there together "after" the kids are gone. I believe in doing all you can to keep a family together, but I also believe there is a limit to what a person should take from the other S. The R has been abused and it is up to you if you feel that you could ever love this woman again, but are you really doing the kids right by trying to stay with somebody you can't even stand? There have been many R's that held together for the sake of the kids but the couple certainly did not have a "life" and in a lot of cases.....I don't feel that it was fair to the kids b/c of the way the parents felt toward each other.

Right now you are still much too angry to even think about reconciling with your W. I think a lot of healing must be done before you can think about sacrificing your life ....in that capasity....for your boys.
JMHO

[confusedinpa]

Well she called me shortly after I talked to the boys. I thought it was the boys so I answered. It turned out she wanted to talk about who would get the boys this Monday. I told her that I wanted to see the boys as much as possible and wanted to see them that day. She then started complaining about how she doesn't have any fun time with the boys and wanted that day. She then said that she also wanted Sun Sept 13th as well.

I told her that I wanted to be able to see the boys as much as possible so that with our current arrangement, I do not have that many days with them and want to see them as much.

She said I had more hours with them. I told her that I would switch if that is how she really felt - she could have them on the weekends and I will have them on the weekdays. She didn't respond.

She then started into how she didn't appreciate how there are other people there when she picks up the kids. I told her that right now I'm still processing all the hurt and pain from the discovery of infidelity so I couldn't even stand to look at her.

I then took the opportunity to tell her how I did not appreciate being cheated on and lied to all this time. She tried to spin it as it was just a fantasy world that she was living in, implying that it didn't really happen, and I really don't know what I think I know. I asked her to explain. She said that she was just having conversations with herself so I shouldn't read into it anymore than that. I told her to stop the lies as I'm tired of all the lies and did not how cruel she was in not just cheating on me but also blaming me over and over.

I think she is nuts

She stayed defiant and non-remorseful as she said that she felt like she was lied to and hurt all the years so she felt was she did was appropriate. I stopped her and just said that if she felt it was appropriate, then why lie and hide it. I told her that I've lived my life honorably and respected the commitments I have made. She then said that she felt the same about her actions. I told her that I expected her to say that but I didn't agree and many people will agree with me. She said many would agree with her as well. I told her I'm not going to get into a debate with her on this.

ARGH!!!!!

[sandi2]

She is jerking you around with the kids. Don't let her do that. How horrible is this woman? She can't stand for you to have Sunday with the boys without her taking them away b/c she didn't have enough "fun time" with them? Well, whose fault was that? She sounds like a jealous child who would not like the agreement regardless of what it was! I agree.....ARGH!!

[sandi2]

P.S. Be sure to document all of this and how she wanted to take the boys from you early since she didn't have enough fun time with them. I really like her response......"but she wanted to be with them".....yeah, right. Only b/c they were with you!

[MrBond]

"I then took the opportunity to tell her how I did not appreciate being cheated on and lied to all this time."

This is where you should have ended it. If she has a problem with being there, that's exactly what it is ... her problem. Let her deal with it.

How does she figure that you have more time with them when you aren't even around? No sense arguing with a crazy person.

Now that you've told her your side and how you will not be further disrespected, nothing more needs to be said.

I would look into getting a C for your kids.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

Well, at least we finally "talked" like you thought we needed to. I had hoped it would have gone better, not sure how/what, but I feel it ended with both of us mad at each other. Not how I would have wanted to de-escalate.

I know we will still need to talk about who will have the boys on Monday. I still want them as I don't see them as much. She had said I get more hours with them in a week since I have the whole weekend. I told her that I would switch, but she didn't answer. That's the thing, any proposal I offer, I am always cautiously aware to accept either side of the proposal. She doesn't take it that way

I may give up Monday as Monday's are technically her day but I will NOT give up my Sunday.

My therapist said that there is no further point to talk about anything related to the relationship without both of us wanting to work on it. So I'm done talking about the relationship. I've said all I'm going to say.

I'm going to focus on me, the boys and my job.

I'm still shaking my head and laughing at how she tried to lie that I miss interpruted and it was just a fantasy world that she was pretending in. I think what's she's spinning now is the fantasy land.

Craziness.....

[MrBond]

Stand your ground on the days with the boys. She has the choice to see them more at the games but chooses not to go. You are the one who has to go long distance to see them. Not her.

You said what needed to be said which is good. The first interactions are always going to be filled with tension and anger. But at least you made a start. It's not for R, but to get together so you can co-parent the kids.

You talk about crazy...my W threatened to call the cops on me because she said I "scared" her. All I did was ask her if she was fooling around. Crazy talk alright.

[confusedinpa]

P.S. Be sure to document all of this and how she wanted to take the boys from you early since she didn't have enough fun time with them. I really like her response......"but she wanted to be with them".....yeah, right. Only b/c they were with you!

Sandi

Thanks for offering your thoughts and support again. I have been documenting everything here in these threads. Not my original plan/strategy, but just what it has come down to.

I do agree deciding what type I want to live. I do know I will not wait idly for a day that will never come. While I ultimately want to give my boys their dreams and desires, I do know that I need to move them and I along in life so we can live and enjoy life.

I continue to pray for wisdom and strength to make the right decisions so we can do so. All the support from my friends and family is helping as well. Also, the people from this forum who friended me on facebook (CI PA) and have taken the time to chat with me really is a great source of strenght as well. I know it would be so much harder without all the support.

Thanks for being a friend and supporting me in this crazy situation....

[confusedinpa]

Here is my latest rev of what I am going to send her. I added a words of honesty and respect.

I will send it this morning and would love to get some feedback

Wife,

I thought I would email you and better have my thoughts put together and give you a chance to respond in kind.

I am concerned that when I picked up our boys this past Thursday, _____ and _____ were upset that they were told that their father was doing bad things.

The damage brought upon us and our boys from the separation is already done. I am asking you to please avoid adding to their pain, suffering and confusion through inappropriate comments and/or actions. The details that brought our marriage to this point will be handled by adults. I will continue to live up to my promise to protect _____ and _____ to the best of my ability, I hope that you will be able to do the same.

If you have concerns, please address them with me and we'll conquer it together as responsible parents. While I'm hurt by what has transpired and do not know what the future may bring, I do know no matter what, we will always be parents together, no matter what is going on between us. On this front, we must still be a team and treat each other with honesty and respect.

Thanks,

______