My W now insists that this is not a "competition" between the OM and I for her affection, she just doesn't want to be with me.
I feel that this statement backs up what I said before. This woman is in deeper fantasy that I originally realized b/c she thinks both men are competing for her attention! How arrogant is that? Must make her feel better to think that, but I feel that if you were to suddenly do a 180 and tell her that you've changed you mind about the entire situation (after a lot of thought) and decided that she was absolutely right and that she should be with OM and she should make plans to move in with him ASAP. I know you said she was not going to leave the state with your kids, but you could try to avoid that and see how far things would go. Even if she thought you were giving in and allowing her to take the kids, you know that OM would never agree for her and her children to move in with him. That would scare him to death. She needs to see that OM doesn't give a donkey's tail flip about her kids. (I know....you couldn't take the risk....but if you could, she would find out the truth in a hurry.)
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Not sure why this distinction is important to her in her WAW brain since she is apparently telling her friends at the same time that her "R" with OM is really loving and special. Is it because in reality she knows OM really can't "compete" with me? Is it because deep down she knows he is unreliable? Or is there some truth to what she is saying- is she just using OM as a "toy" and an emotional crutch to get away from me?
No, not at all. I know I keep saying this about the fantasy, but I don't think you realize how strong that can be for a WAW. It is as much of the drug, I think, as the OM. After all, you know that she could not possibly love OM, but she has created the illusion of being in love. She has to keep feeding that illusion in order for it to stay alive for her. That is one reason she talks it up to friends, etc. The more she talks about it, the more she can convince herself. Until you have been in those shoes, you can't understand how powerful these emotions are and how captive it can make you.
I can understand about the finances and where the kids are concerned. She has you over a barrell there. That is why I wonder about calling her bluff, but again, I know you wouldn't want to do that with your kids at stake. Anyway, wouldn't you have to pay child support only....or would you have to pay her also? B/c I don't know many women who can live on child support only. It is just for the kids and usually takes more for the wife. Maybe it is different in your state...I don't know. It is disgusting how she is "using" her own children for her benefit. I hope you will hold her feet to the fire about that. This is why it is so much worse when children are involved.....it is much more complicated and so much of it turns ugly when things get to this stage.
Well, I'm not telling you anything you don't know or I haven't already said before, but I'm still around if you need to vent. Take care of yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
