You can jump those stages, and in some cases, I'd completely recommend it. However, as I'm learning, that won't be leading to something that will last as the foundation will be based purely on the romantic/sexual side...
...and we all know that physical relationships burn out in time. However, a "rebound" of sorts may be just what the doctor is ordering for you right now, so I wouldn't dismiss it at all.
As long as you are up-front and honest going in, no one gets hurt. So, if you feel you would benefit from going straight to Step 3, then do it, but be up-front and honest w/the lucky bastard you find.
I'm pretty sure you are saying this a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I also feel there is a small sense of seriousness about your request, my dear.
I think you have every right to go for it right now. We're all only human after all, right?
I know you very well. I'm glad you are able to sit back and wait a bit, b/c I know personally that it isn't easy to do.
However, I also know that I may ruffle some feathers w/my opinion on sex but I speak honestly. In a perfect world, sex would be reserved for someone you truly love.
But, seeing that we don't live in a world filled w/perfection, then I'm ok w/"sex for sex" and satisfying the "basic instinct" and all that, but only w/some firm conditions.
If one person feels it is more than just sex then there is going to be a really, really big problem. However, if two consenting adults want to "fool around" just to do the deed, then there isn't anything wrong w/that in my book.
The problem is w/communication and expectations. If either end is messed up, then the scenario I mentioned above becomes a definite nightmare for sure.
Hopefully, this will explain my point a bit. It is all about respecting each other.
Well, I was w/GF last night as we both had our kids this weekend. She was a bit distant at first last night and as we talked she said she didn't want to go to Vegas this weekend. She just didn't feel like going. Instead, she wants to stay local and we talked about a few things we could do together.
She mentioned that she wanted to make sure we didn't "act like we're married" by spending the entire weekend together. I told her that is fine and we have a long weekend and I can stay w/her for 0, 1, or two days. Her reply was "definitely not ZERO!" and she was pretty emphatic about it. She then said she wants me there for "several nights" this weekend.
So, again, it is going at a much slower pace than I'm used to, but I completely understand where she is coming from. She is afraid to go forward at full speed b/c she's had some major issues in the past. It would be nice if she'd just trust me and "go with it," but since it doesn't work that way, I'm going to continue to be patient.
All I can do now is to be consistent for her and continue to build our friendship and trust. In time, she'll be comfortable enough to let her guard completely down - it has come down for stretches before, so I know her inner comfort level w/us as an item is getting better and better.
She also continues to let out subtle hints in what she says and what she does that lets me know she wants me to stay and be patient too. I also get very clear indications that she's thinking of a future w/us together and I think that while that makes her happy, it also scares her a bit too.
So, once we hit October, things should take another turn for us. She wants to get started w/counseling b/c of some pent up issues she has toward the father of her son. She and I are on similar paths, but I'm a bit ahead of her right now.
Thus, my two options are to leave her behind and move forward on my own or wait for her to catch up. I'll keep doing my thing while she's "catching up" and I won't put my life on hold, but for now, I'm willing to give her some more time.
I told her I'm fine w/going slow and that it is actually good for me as I haven't had experience w/"doing it the right way" in the past. She was a bit surprised, but I let her know I haven't had role models for relationships in the past and thus had to figure it out on my own. Well, we all know that doing it alone can lead to some tough life lessons.
Anyway, that is where I am right now w/ GF. I really feel good about her feelings for me and I think I'm doing the right thing. However, if anyone smells something funny or senses I'm in denial or something, please chime in w/your two cents.
I always love the feedback regardless of if it is positive or constructive criticism. We can't grow if we're not making mistakes, right?
Thanks for your clarification re: the 3 stages of relationships as they apply to new relationships. Very interesting!...... and easy to remember since all of us here have those stages etched into our collective consciousness.
Regarding your current situation with GF I think that her responses to you really depend on numerous factors, including who (GF or her H/BF) initiated the break-up of her last serious relationship, the reason for the break-up, how long ago this happened, if the scar from that past relationship is re-opened frequently by joint custody issues, the type of relationship she had with her father (this may influence what she is looking for in a relationship), and whether or not she is open to 'owning' her role in the end of her last significant relationship, among others.
I'm sorry if I'm asking you to review info that is already here somewhere. If so, please just tell me where to find the pertinent information and I will look there.
On the positive side, you could view this as an exercise in tantric s*x.
I'm glad you wrote in b/c it is great to get advice from a lady, especially since I know I'm nothing more than a DAM!
Ok, GF is the one who broke things off w/her son's father before they got married (they were engaged). He promised to take care of her when she got pregnant and never let her need or want for anything. Then, when she realized she wasn't in love w/this man, he used money as a form of control and forced her to spend $20K in attorney fees to get their custody issues settled (she won and got everything she asked for).
Also, he continued to pursue her and would constantly tell her he loved her then treat her like sh!t. So, in the beginning, she would say about me/to me "that is how they all start out, but then they change." Thus, her skepticism of who I really am. I have shown her consistency over time, so that isn't being said any longer b/c I think she can see I'm "different" than the men she's dated before.
As for us, she says she wants to take our R further, but she's not ready b/c she's "not right" and needs to figure that part out. I'm not taking it as a sign to hit the road, but I do think she is a bit shocked that I'm willing to wait it out instead of leaving for "greener pastures."
So, she's really angry toward her X. She has let him know there is no way they will ever be together again and I've even met him myself. Still, she says she can't get over some of the things he did to her when she was w/him as well as throughout the entire custody process.
As for her family, her father is a very quiet man who sits back and lets her mother run the show. Her mother on the other hand can have a bit of a temper and GF said she didn't get along well w/her mother until she had her son. Since then, they've mended the fences and her relationship w/her mother may be another thing that is holding her back.
So, I hope this makes some sense. I've told her I'm interested in her for her as I'm attracted to her on many levels. However, going slow is difficult for me as one of the things I realized I needed to learn in my D was patience as I've never really had much of it.
I can tell her feelings for me are real and it is very clear she's struggling w/our R. For now, I'm planning on hanging back and supporting her as she works through her stuff. I feel the end result will be something great for the two of us. However, the more time that goes on w/out her being able to fully give herself to me and us makes those old lingering doubts from my past experiences tend to creep up.
So, while I feel I'm doing the right thing and we're moving in the right direction to make things last for us, I can't help questioning things between us either.
Am I nuts or am I right to continue to be patient, wait for her, give her time, and be there for her support?
I think you already know the answer to that and really would it matter what any of us said? I can see why you might question yourself because maybe you haven't allowed yourself to wait before. Rob you have said that you want something different, that you want to build a foundation. This is exactly what you are doing.
Chill for now and see what happens. If you get to the point where you can't wait, you should talk to GF before you do anything.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
