OK Oz - here's the thing and I may be a bit confused but it seems that H has moved in to the townhouse now, right?
This was supposed to be YOUR new home so if you are going to detach, I would start by not doing his laundry and not doing 'wifey' things at all. Small and subtle to start with but enough that he knows that something is changing ... when he doesn't have clean clothes to go out or his trousers are not ironed, maybe he will start to wonder! Start treating him like he's a lodger!
I know that you are going to struggle with detaching as you are still at home with H. For me it's been that bit easier as H is WAH. In your shoes, I would be leaving the room each time H comes in ... go for a walk, go to your bedroom/spare room and read a book, get out of the house for a movie/drive/whatever. Don't spend time in the same space as him. That's a start.
Conversation wise - NO conversation. Answer any questions but be short, blunt and mysterious! Stay firm, strong, confident and resolved to living Oz's life ... not Oz as a wife's life. You need to start working on shifting your 'can do' attitude to 'sorry but I can't do that as I have plans - maybe another time' ... this is the start of detachment.
You need to get across the concept of 'if you are choosing a single lifestyle then you have to live it. I will be fine without you but I can't do X, Y and Z in the meanwhile'
Another message that H needs to hear is that you have worked on your marriage, changed your attitudes and beliefs. You have invested time, energy and focus but it has still not made H happy (these words hi-jacked from Gucci - I have to give him credit), so now it's YOUR time. Oz is going to look after Oz and the 'kids' - nothing more, nothing less. H has removed himself emotionally, so you must too. PROTECT yourself. That means from any more hurt.
I like what SD said to you about taking the marathon run and looking at stuff along the way - she is so right! Detaching (whilst you are both living together) must surely be the same concept ... you can start to pull away bit by bit whilst still be observant of the changes that are affected by your new acts.
It IS scary Oz but you are in the best position right now. He is living in what should be your home. What happened to him moving out?? I don't suggest for one minute that you ask him but it begs a question, don't you think?? Is he cake-eating?? Did you ever find out what was in the car that he didn't want you to see??
These questions may make you feel angry and I understand that. I think that, for me, it was necessary to use that particular anger to help me start to detach. If you are still looking for all the good stuff in H, you will never manage it. Find something, if this is truly what you want to do, that makes you feel angry and I promise you that it will begin your detachment ... it may wax and wane but as all the advice here goes, give yourself a target timeline and switch if it's not working.
Stuck has discussed detachment a little on my thread but I'm sure that there's heaps more out there. Read first, post second, act third - or not, if it's not for you.
Good luck - let us know how you are getting along. I am glad that you took another day off work today. (((Oz - we CAN do this)))
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
