Hi Oz - good to have you back and glad that you didn't go to work today! Nice to maximise time with S before he goes back.
Now then, the only one thing that strikes me that you are not doing enough of (for yourself) is detaching. I don't know if it is relevant for you or not as you are still living with H and I don't know what others would say about your sitch. I just hear the 180's and GAL, PMA - all good. It's a scary concept to detach but maybe that's what you need to spend some time on, right now? If you did, perhaps H being aggro wouldn't get to you quite so much? Just a thought ... it's open and out there for others to comment upon.
Do you know yet if H has plans to go or to stay at the townhouse? I think that your next move depends entirely upon that.
As for the bike, good answer! When I asked my H the same, he said "you may have to take the wheel off" but didn't offer anything else!
Catch you later ... just gathering up to go see my shrink - lovely though she is!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Nell is dead on. You aren't detaching. Essentially, H's actions are your focus and are affecting your moods. It IS exhausting, yes? And what you've got to know is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. So, it's time to settle in for a while...kind of like preparing for that cross-country, multi-day drive. If you thought about it, it would make you crazy, but if you focus on the scenery, play little games along the way, stop and site see, take time for a rest, then before you know it, you've reached your destination.
H's actions should generally just be "interesting" to you. Hmmm...H is smiling at me; how interesting. Oh, now H seems to have returned his head up his rectum...I wonder if he enjoys the view from inside there? How interesting...." Not to say that certain things won't level you from time to time, but you will recover more quickly if you learn to detach.
Who knows what H is going to do? You won't know until he does it. Why make yourself crazy about it? Don't own his crazy...just get the new place looking like you want it to look. Go buy some flowers, find a vase, and set it somewhere you'll see often. Stop and smell them. Flowers make a gal feel good, and there's no reason we shouldn't buy them for ourselves. I do from time to time.
No expectations from H. Remember, he's the one with the poo crumbs stuck in his hair because he keeps insisting that up his behind is where he wants to be.
Now, what are you doing for YOU?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Yes you are right Nell and SD I am not detaching, but I really wasn't too sure of what it mean't to do that.
I think the past few days doing the move on my own has just stripped me of all energy and that is why I feel I have become vulnerable again. I know I am not supposed to wonder about him but it is the fact that he has never been aggressive in his manner toward me before but now is that has got to me.
I will buy those flowers maybe on the weekend once I have cleared some space. Depending on how I feel will go to the movies tonight.
I like your description of poo crumbs SD that made me laugh which is what I have needed.
Will try to find a few minutes this week to sit down and work out what I want to do for me.
Decided to have another day at home and try to sort a bit more of the chaos out.
Can anyone help me out with the detachment thing. I am wondering if it would have helped last night, being a bit low still, H comes home late and says he will need clean work trousers for tomorrow. I stupidly like an idiot replied that his clean ones were now in the wardrobe.
Stupid Stupid Stupid me, I know, he was even a bit rude when he said he wanted clean trousers.
Does detaching mean I would have reacted differently and if so how would I. Sorry to sound silly but I had worked out the GALing etc but not really detachment.
OK Oz - here's the thing and I may be a bit confused but it seems that H has moved in to the townhouse now, right?
This was supposed to be YOUR new home so if you are going to detach, I would start by not doing his laundry and not doing 'wifey' things at all. Small and subtle to start with but enough that he knows that something is changing ... when he doesn't have clean clothes to go out or his trousers are not ironed, maybe he will start to wonder! Start treating him like he's a lodger!
I know that you are going to struggle with detaching as you are still at home with H. For me it's been that bit easier as H is WAH. In your shoes, I would be leaving the room each time H comes in ... go for a walk, go to your bedroom/spare room and read a book, get out of the house for a movie/drive/whatever. Don't spend time in the same space as him. That's a start.
Conversation wise - NO conversation. Answer any questions but be short, blunt and mysterious! Stay firm, strong, confident and resolved to living Oz's life ... not Oz as a wife's life. You need to start working on shifting your 'can do' attitude to 'sorry but I can't do that as I have plans - maybe another time' ... this is the start of detachment.
You need to get across the concept of 'if you are choosing a single lifestyle then you have to live it. I will be fine without you but I can't do X, Y and Z in the meanwhile'
Another message that H needs to hear is that you have worked on your marriage, changed your attitudes and beliefs. You have invested time, energy and focus but it has still not made H happy (these words hi-jacked from Gucci - I have to give him credit), so now it's YOUR time. Oz is going to look after Oz and the 'kids' - nothing more, nothing less. H has removed himself emotionally, so you must too. PROTECT yourself. That means from any more hurt.
I like what SD said to you about taking the marathon run and looking at stuff along the way - she is so right! Detaching (whilst you are both living together) must surely be the same concept ... you can start to pull away bit by bit whilst still be observant of the changes that are affected by your new acts.
It IS scary Oz but you are in the best position right now. He is living in what should be your home. What happened to him moving out?? I don't suggest for one minute that you ask him but it begs a question, don't you think?? Is he cake-eating?? Did you ever find out what was in the car that he didn't want you to see??
These questions may make you feel angry and I understand that. I think that, for me, it was necessary to use that particular anger to help me start to detach. If you are still looking for all the good stuff in H, you will never manage it. Find something, if this is truly what you want to do, that makes you feel angry and I promise you that it will begin your detachment ... it may wax and wane but as all the advice here goes, give yourself a target timeline and switch if it's not working.
Stuck has discussed detachment a little on my thread but I'm sure that there's heaps more out there. Read first, post second, act third - or not, if it's not for you.
Good luck - let us know how you are getting along. I am glad that you took another day off work today. (((Oz - we CAN do this)))
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Yes, I don't know, he has moved in but who knows once the old house changes hands on Thursday.
I was on a real roll there for a bit. I haven't initiated conversations with H unless I have absolutely positively had to so I have that bit right. I think he probably is cake eating, funny I came to that conclusion the other day, why move when you can go out and have all the fun at the nightclubs and pubs but come home and your clothes etc are all ready for you.
That will be one mighty hard thing to do, backing off on the laundry and stuff. I think he may be a bit agro because he did tell me to find a house for just D and I which I did, but now because he is here there isn't enough room for all his crap and I think that has hit him a bit. Don't know for sure just speculation.
No I never found out what was in the car, did manage to have a look but found nothing, he still hides his keys and his phone but I try not to think about that anymore.
I suspected that H may move in, said that from word go! Can't figure out why he would leave on Thursday though - can't see that happening either - why move twice within a week?
"That will be one mighty hard thing to do, backing off on the laundry and stuff. I think he may be a bit agro because he did tell me to find a house for just D and I which I did, but now because he is here there isn't enough room for all his crap and I think that has hit him a bit".
Yeah ... who said that this was going to be easy??!! It's hard and it hurts like hell but from what I am seeing here more and more, this is where we have to go before we can make H's sit up and notice us.
Have you said anything about not being enough room for you all? I guess not as you would not want to rock the boat at this stage. Still, if he is noticing, that in itself is a good thing.
Something that I think gives me PMA is to look at the facts when I have been challenged on them. You now say that you think that H is cake-eating ... how does that make you feel? Angry, resentful, hurt, bitter ... like a doormat?? If we stay on the floor, a doormat is all that we deserve to be ... we need to get back up and show them that is not our rightful position ---> which leads to you telling yourself that you are better than that, deserve more than that, respect yourself more than that, have family and friends who would NEVER treat you like that ---> and so development of PMA. That's the way I see it, anyhow ... does that model work for you??
Are you feeling any better in yourself today, rather than just your emotional self? I hear that you are trying to re-surf that high wave and I know that it's not easy.
I'm watching how you spring back up in the next few days as I think that I am going to be on your heels. Was feeling strong doses of PMA but now I am sinking and, as the weekend approaches, I know that I am in for a long haul until I have something planned again - counselling next Monday. The rain has arrived, again, and so outdoor activities are out. Seems that this is normal for us all, too!
Will be around heaps today so just like Dr. Frasier Crane - "I'm here and I am listening"!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
There is a great post on detaching somewhere on the Board. I'll try to find it and refer you to it.
But IMHO, these are a few suggestions:
1. No "wifey" duties - if he doesn't know if he wants to be a H, then don't expect you to do W things. No laundry. No cooking. No cake-eating. Really, you can't be involved with OP and expect business as usual at home. Where did this new definition of M arise? Don't worry about how he will make do. He will find a dry cleaners or wear dirty trousers. So what?
2. Keep conversation to a minimum and on business related matters. This will change as things improve but in the initial stages of detaching, this helps. At times you will be shocked that this is what it has come to but as I always say, everything for a time and the longest day has an end.
3. No e-mail, no TM, especially if you have been accused of pursuing. Maybe it will come to the point where he is pursuing. How's is that for a 180?
4. Stay in separate rooms if necessary. Again, this is for a TIME and you will reattach when things get better.
5. Take your eyes off H and his drama. Hard but doable. Concentrate on your hobbies, new found interests. Keep busy. Decorate your new digs to your tastes and vision. This is a great project for you now.
6. Take your eyes off H and his drama. It is worth repeating. Don't be sitting up waiting when he comes home. You are either out doing what Oz does or you are up looking hot in some sexy nightwear watching a show or on the phone. Or you are alseep because you have a life and are not checking on his movements. And you are not up doing his laundry.
Hiding car keys and a phone are not good signs but you know this. Again, as hard as it is, do not concentrate on this because you will drive yourself stark raving mad. If you are a praying woman, leave it with God and do what you must while He does what He will do in you and in your H. Nothing will be resolved in a hurry but it will be resolved at some point.
Detaching means letting go of any notion that you can control anybody but yourself. It means focusing on changing what you can change (yourself, how you feel, what you do) instead of other people.
It's understanding that no one and nothing else is the source of our happiness. WE alone are responsible for our happiness. If that's true, then it's a little crazy to allow our moods to be impacted by the choices of other people. Their choices are their business, and they have no responsibility to act in a way that is pleasing to us.
Of course we would like our spouse to choose differently, but ultimately, it's their choice to make...and we can STILL be happy in spite of them.
So, to detach, start putting the attention on yourself. What goals do you have for yourself? What do you want to learn or get better at? What work do YOU need to do to improve your half of the R? Your H is going to spin for some time, and there's nothing you can do except take care of yourself.
As for the laundry, there's no reason not to do it...within reason. If you are going to be busy and not get to it, you might want to let H know so he can handle it. If you have time and are doing your own load, then add it in...no biggie, right? And if you don't get to the ironing, that's okay too. But not out of spite or principle...not at this point anyway...more circumstantial.
For example, I used to always make dinner. If I was home and H was home, I'd offer to make enough for him. If I was gone, it was his problem to deal with. And I was gone a lot...I made a point of keeping myself busy with GAL and IC.
Detachment is a tool for even after you've reconciled and are back to having wild monkey sex in the foyer. It lets us let others be who they are instead of trying to control their actions to please us.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
