UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

It's so tough when your back is agains the wall. Stuck, your comments are spot on but thinking of how to respond is really challenging.

Honestly, I've had enough already. I just want to call him and say "It's total madness that we are both living like this. Come home. I hear so well that you have been unhappy but I know that we can turn this around for both of us. We can sort this out. I just need to be able to tell you my thoughts, what I have learned how we can deal with this, I have learned how to save our M, I have learned that we CAN love one another properly - and start all over again" but of course, I know that it is totally wrong and he would not respond positively at all to that approach.

I have no idea as to what I am going to do in the month of darkness. Just keep on trying to get a job and GAL of some sort, I guess. I'm a week in almost and I feel no differently other than to keep wondering if I am having any impact, which of course is not the right idea behind detaching. In honesty, I feel that I am using it as a strategy and not to 'let go' as I still do not want to. I'm like a kid giving up her doll because I know that it's good to let someone else play with your toys and I will get a reward for it later. Have we all been there?? I know that I have.

Knowing that I want some control over H's actions is all well and good but no, you are right, I don't have any right now. It's not that I want to control him long term, its just that I am scared of what's happening and especially whilst I am dark. I can't bear that he may never come back, although I am feeling thoughts more each day of whether or not I could forgive him for all this hurt that he is putting me through. I can not believe that anyone who has loved me as he has in the past, could TOTALLY abandon me - he knows my inner most strengths and weaknesses, fears and threats and he has flown in the face of all that I have ever confided in him. That's a tough pill to swallow, even when you love someone as much as I do him.

I am familiar with your saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be." and I do feel that I have let him go ... he's certainly not 'here' is he? I just feel that he is so lost at the moment and reading over some of his emails recently, I get a sense that he is no better off as he is living with so many unknowns right now. This is not the cut and dried situation that he thought that it would be and I know that, even if he takes no action, there will not be a day that goes by when he does not think of me and the home that he has left behind. That's the kind of man he is.