Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
None of the questions are "Do you love your spouse?" C'mon, we're trying to heal marriages!
Yes, the frightened faces of the crowd on friday night... We see them everytime. That is normal. That's why I go and just smile at people. But you needn't be frightened. And it won't last long. By Saturday morning everyone looks more relaxed, and by Sunday, they are holding hands and taking leisurely strolls together around the grounds. I promise, the questions are non-threatening. They do open you up for discussion, but in ways that don't harm the other. She opened up to you today. She will certainly open up at Retrouvaille.
Not trying to pile on, but until you DETACH (soldier realizes he's already dead) you will keep "falling off the wagon". Truth. Be told, you never got ON the wagon.
Its not too late. Detach man for the love of God, detach.
Starting tonight I will force myself to honestly detach. I will only see her for a short amount of time, so it should be a good way to really start. Tomorrow we will all be home together from 5:00 on, I will continue to force myself. I will take it one day at a time from there. I will look at her as a roommate, I owe her no explanations of what I am doing. Only when it comes to the kids. They will be my focus at home, and once they are in bed, I will do what I want to make myself happy regardless of what she thinks about it. If it means leaving the house, so be it. If it means watching TV for a little bit, that's what I will do. I won't go back on changes I have made about myself. I will continue to do the things around the house that I have been doing. Most importantly I will convince myself that any woman would be lucky to have me. I do feel I have a lot to offer, and if my W isn't interested, someone else will be eventually.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I would encourage you to read some other posts about detaching. It is NOT anger based at all. It is about accepting the truth - that YOU will be fine NO MATTER WHAT. And you can work towards it but you can't force it to happen. But, its not too late to start.
Every step closer to detachment is a step away from fear
Right. I understand that point. I am angry, but I am putting that aside and working on taking that control she has over me away from her.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Actually my sister saw a famous psychiatrist in NYC years ago that attributed her mental health issues to her hormones. She was very emotional- so much so that some thought she was bipolar.
June, I think you and the psychiatrist are absolutely right. A lot of this unhappiness with the marriage is attributable to hormones. But it's more fun to blame it on our husbands.
You may not like hearing this coming from a woman but I am going to tell you what I told my brother who was in a similar situation with his W.
Grow a pair of b@lls and man up. You sound like a frightened little girl hiding in a corner that’s scared of her own shadow. You need to stop with the sniveling, woe is me attitude. If you have such serious issues with detaching and co-dependency maybe you should go see a therapist or psychiatrist about them because they sound as if they are crippling to you.
But for Heaven’s sake, take control of your own destiny and stop depending on your W for your happiness.
And one last thing… SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER YOU other than that what you perceive. You are simply allowing yourself to be controlled by the circumstances, situations and, most importantly, reactions that you interpret are coming from her. You have stated countless times “I think she this and I think she that.” Stop thinking for her and stop guessing because it is obviously not helping you or the situation. Just concentrate on yourself and your children.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh or unsympathetic in my words but they are nonetheless for your own good. You obviously don’t seem to be getting the message when it is sugarcoated.
I know I'm going to take a lot of fire from others in this forum for posting this but I am willing to do so to try to help you.
Orich, with all this talk of detaching, I hope you won't lose your humanness toward you wife. I don't believe a policeman needs lessons in detaching. The ones I've met know perfectly well how to size up a situation without getting emotionally involved.
While detaching from her emotional ups and downs may help you for the next two weeks, it will be exactly the wrong way to approach Retrouvaille. There, you will be asked to express your feelings in colorful language. And you will be asked to feel your partners feelings. You will be practicing empathy, not dtachment. You will be engaged in a way that you have not engaged in years. So detach in the short run, if it helps with day to day ups and downs. But don't pack that in your bag when you go to Retrouvaille. That is not a skill you will use in rebuilding your marriage.
