I found her crying on "my" (formerly our) bed. I walked up to her and we hugged. We cried. We didn't say much. Then she said something to the effect of "Don't hurt me anymore." I said that I never meant to hurt her and that I don't want to be a bad husband. She said she doesn't want to be a bad wife either.
She opened up about feeling so hurt and angry at me. A real deep, hurt anger. She acknowledged having walls up toward, and being defensive against, me.
You handled that very well here. While you don't want to have a relationship talk now, I think you could learn a little bit more about what she is feeling here.
I think you should ask her if she is feeling better later. And then you could say something like "I know that we will deal with all this stuff at Retrouvaille, and I don't want to make things worse before that. But if you could tell me what things I do that hurt you, I will try to avoid doing those things." And then for the next two weeks, try to not do those things. For all we know, your attempts at detaching might hurt her. *You don't know unless you ask*.
After she tells you what things hurt her, thank her for telling you how she feels. End the conversation with a hug or a kiss (or both).
Don't go any farther than that. Don't bring up your laundry list of complaints. Don't defend yourself. Don't tell her she is wrong to feel the way she feels.
Ask the question; listen to the answer -- it's OK to ask questions to get clarification; agree to make an effort; thank her for the conversation. kiss. That's all.
Sara, It didn't occur to me before, I must admit my mind is not as sharp as it usually is... are you a Retrouvaille facilitator?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
No. First off, we have no facilitators. We have lead couples who present their stories. And then questions are posed to the couples to answer in their notebooks. The couples all talk on their own, in privacy. So we are all trained in how to talk to each other. When you have finished the program, you will know all the rules.
What I do for my local group is prepare the weekend materials and set up the conference room. My husband and I greet the new couples and show them to their rooms. I am a behind the scenes volunteer. At some point, perhaps my husband and I will start presenting. But he is a very private person, and I can't imagine him sitting up at the front of the room talking about his affair. The people who do it are giving a great gift to the others.
Oh, ok, I see. I am so afraid that my wife won't open up on this weekend. I am afraid that I will lack the courage myself. I am afraid of what I will learn about her feelings toward me. I know she has said she lost feelings, doesn't love me, etc. But if during real soul searching and honest conversations I hear similar things, I am afraid it will be too much for me. As the weekend gets closer, I find I am more scared than anything else. I have been looking forward to this for sometime hoping that it will help us start healing. But now I am apprehensive. Neither of us are good at opening up to each other.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You've got to conquer that fear right now or else your weekend is going to fall apart. If you come across as desperate as you do now your W is not going to open up.
Everyone is right. Just be honest and yourself. You've done the hard work, now it's time for her to do the same.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm trying. I really am. It is very difficult. Truth be told I was doing better before. Every time a new bump appears it seems I fall off the wagon. And, as I get closer to this retro weekend, it gets harder to get back on the wagon. I really do feel, however, that if I don't feel like W is making an effort during and after the weekend, I will be able to harden and stand up to her and call her on her attitude. There are times, fleeting as they are, where I feel I would actually be better without her. Maybe they will be more prevalent then. Someone hear quoted the following:"A soldier isn't good until he realizes he is already dead" or something to that effect. When all seems completely hopeless, then I will do a better job. That's not to say I am not trying now. I didn't flip out as a result of some of the things she did recently, and I have cut myself off from contacting her or initiating conversations with her.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I am not showing her fear right now. I am able to appear fine around her. I try to use this litany against fear:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
