Wow. On my way back from lunch, I received a call from one of my W's girlfriend's H's. Apparently, his W asked him for a D in July. God, is someone putting something in the water?!?!
So, it sounds like typical WAW script. Verbatim. I was on the phone with him for an hour - the least I can do to repay the help I have received here. And, he's a good guy with young kids - like ME. Oddly enough, he already had a copy of DB with him (he's on a business trip) before I even recommended it.
So, here is where it touches on my sitch. Apparently, his W and my W had breakfast this morning (they have been friends for a few years, having served on a PTA together). Of course, I didn't know about it. Not sure how to feel about that. I SERIOUSLY doubt she is going to tell me anything about this. I will obviously not bring it up. Just seems a little dishonest.
What WILL be interesting is if his W reports back to him if my W tries to talk her out of D. I doubt that will get back to me, but it would be very interesting.
What WILL be interesting is if his W reports back to him if my W tries to talk her out of D. I doubt that will get back to me, but it would be very interesting.
Doesn't matter to the new GIMA. No change in the game plan either way. You dictate the play-calling for you .
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So, here is where it touches on my sitch. Apparently, his W and my W had breakfast this morning (they have been friends for a few years, having served on a PTA together). Of course, I didn't know about it. Not sure how to feel about that. I SERIOUSLY doubt she is going to tell me anything about this. I will obviously not bring it up. Just seems a little dishonest.
Here is a way to head this off in the future and to help your wife open up. I might have told you this before but here is where it will help. The house analogy - your wife wants to be in all the rooms of you house - career, hobbies, goals, friends, interests, finances etc. Before she lets you in the room you want to go into (bedroom, what is she thinking etc.) She didn't let you know about her breakfast plans because you are not letting her in all your rooms. That is the connection with her man she needs. So open up more, aren't you pulling away a little out of frustration? I think of stories that happen from my day to share. To get her interested be interesting.
How did the date on Sat go?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Doesn't matter to the new GIMA. No change in the game plan either way. You dictate the play-calling for you .
Right. I only brought it up as a possible good sign, if my W, so dead set on D (and may still be for all I know) were to counsel another WAW away from D. Just curiosity, but I wonder what in the world my W will tell his. Not meant as a criticism, but my W is probably the last person who should be giving out M advice. Could just be a support session.
Also, this W is one of the people I assumed my W had spoken to for support in D'ing me in the initial phases.
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aren't you pulling away a little out of frustration?
Yep. You got it again. I have. Not intentionally, just have.
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How did the date on Sat go?
OK. No time for lunch (S had football practice) or a quick dessert after (show went late and babysitter had another gig). It was nice, but like two friends going to a show, not a married couple.
Coach, I really don't see this development as a bad thing for me. I see it as a chance for me to help out a friend who is going through a pretty dark place you, I and many others here have gone through.
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She didn't let you know about her breakfast plans because you are not letting her in all your rooms. That is the connection with her man she needs. So open up more
I guess where I keep getting stuck is how to pull this off without it being pursuit. What I hear you saying is to open up my emotions to her, which means R talk, which I thought was taboo. Is it that I should tell her how I'm feeling? I don't see how I can have that discussion without it leading to US.
Ya know, somthing else I need to get off my chest (which is bigger now since I've been working out). My friend said he and his W were aware my W and I were having problems. My W told me when she dropped the bomb that she had told NO ONE, and then got pi$$ed at me when I confided in one of my closest friends who himself had been through a divorce. Dam%. Uh...dam$.
I'm not upset (maybe mildly peturbed). Just needed to let go of that emotion.
She didn't let you know about her breakfast plans because you are not letting her in all your rooms. That is the connection with her man she needs. So open up more
I guess where I keep getting stuck is how to pull this off without it being pursuit. What I hear you saying is to open up my emotions to her, which means R talk, which I thought was taboo. Is it that I should tell her how I'm feeling? I don't see how I can have that discussion without it leading to US.
Hi GIMA,
"No R Discussions" does not mean "No Discussions" or even "No Discussions about Emotions" it just means "No Discussions about your R"
What Coach is saying is open up to your W about everything else in your L. Tell her (unprompted) about what is going on at work - frustrations, stories, etc. Tell her about your friends, your goals and dreams for the future (no, not about the future of the R, about what you want in the future), etc.
If your experience is like mine, at first it will be like talking to a wall - you talk away and get no response - but after a while it helps.
I also found the opposite to be true. If you don't talk about those things (ie just don't talk) your W will start to fill in the blanks for herself, and the guesses she makes will be neither true nor complimentary toward you.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I guess where I keep getting stuck is how to pull this off without it being pursuit. What I hear you saying is to open up my emotions to her, which means R talk, which I thought was taboo. Is it that I should tell her how I'm feeling? I don't see how I can have that discussion without it leading to US.
Don't you open up about emotions here with no R talks. The difference here is we are truly detached and it's transparent. What a concept! How you feel is how you feel, if I stepped on your toes would you say something? Plus I would want to know if I did. It's just feedback and I would not take it personally. Relationship talk is about where is this going, past offenses/old wounds, accusations/getting defensive and how the other must change. Talking about your feelings is just you talking about you. Keep the talk off the marriage and you will be alright.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What Coach is saying is open up to your W about everything else in your L. Tell her (unprompted) about what is going on at work - frustrations, stories, etc.
Been doing this. But this...
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Tell her about your friends, your goals and dreams for the future (no, not about the future of the R, about what you want in the future), etc.
...I need to do.
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I also found the opposite to be true. If you don't talk about those things (ie just don't talk) your W will start to fill in the blanks for herself, and the guesses she makes will be neither true nor complimentary toward you.
Ya know, somthing else I need to get off my chest (which is bigger now since I've been working out). My friend said he and his W were aware my W and I were having problems. My W told me when she dropped the bomb that she had told NO ONE, and then got pi$$ed at me when I confided in one of my closest friends who himself had been through a divorce. Dam%. Uh...dam$.
I'm not upset (maybe mildly peturbed). Just needed to let go of that emotion.
You have a right to be open about this and to tell people. Of course, be discrete, but I would not allow your W to dictate to whom you can talk.
For a while now I have been opening up about my Sitch to a number of my friends - not complaining, but just being open and honest about what is going on in my life. The interesting thing is that when I do that, they reciprocate and I have found that a surprisingly large percentage of the men I know are either going through a situation like this, or have recently gone through it. Some got D'd, some reconciled, and some are still figuring it out, but the situation seems to be almost universal.
More surprising to note is that almost none of them thought that anyone else was going through something similar. They are all going through it on their own in silence.
I'm glad you and your friend have a chance to talk about it together.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
My W became very upset when she found out I had been talking to our parish Deacon (who happens to be our friend). As a matter of fact, she has been shutting down on me ever since then several weeks ago. When I look back I realize that that was when she really started to clam up.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
