Gina, Wow - thank you so much...your note really touched me and yes, i do think i am still 'hooked in' to him to some extent, letting his actions and everything have more power over me than i would like. i do have the loving detachment article and have been reading it a lot to try to let go and be less dependent on the outcome of what he does. Your post and thoughts above are very inspiring and almost brought tears to my eyes. We have a lot of similarities above (in terms of our backgrounds and that of H) and i do think i came to resent that i took care of a lot of things in our M (I wanted him to step up, and yet he was afraid i'd be critical or controlling). I understand why he thinks I looked down on certain things, even though I was very proud of him. Everything you say above rings true for me too.
I guess I'm at the point where I'm getting very frustrated too, and I know starting to obsess about little things. So he texts me back this morning "L.A. is good and I'm busy working w friends" (he's out there few weeks doing some business plan w friends), and i want to respond "great, when do you get back?" It's like, I'm his wife, why should I be so afraid to ask him a simple question like that, but that is construed as pursuing. Is this OK to ask him when he's back? It seems harmless, but could it annoy him? I really just want to know b/c there are 2 remaining retrovaille dates near me in sept - we had talked about before and he'd never really given me an answer. I thought i might send an email to him about this next week, not pushy, but just for friendship/healing, possible closure? i don't know what to do at this point...it seems everything has potential to backfile and pearl was write when she said awhile ago i'm acting out of fear.
i need to take the control back. but how does one do that? feel that it's ok to send a harmless text/email without fearing the consequences? or be mysterious and GAL and not respond?
Did you purposely do no R talks for awhile? My H is so passive i'm afraid he's waiting for me to step up to the plate...and the moment i bring up R he'll make me feel it's my fault for pushing it, or something. I'm tired of these games, i'd like to have a normal adult honest conversation about our relationship and our marraige (at the same time he's not there right now, i know). Were you living apart?
Your email is so touching, thank you. I don't want to be in a toxic relationship and feel I deserve more, at the same time I am committed to my H. But he has not shown me really much desire to try to work on anything during our separation...even when i have not contacted him for weeks at a time (overall in our sep, he's contacted me more, but i've brought up more R talks).
I will read your email again. I will try to let go and let god and just work on taking good care of myself in this process. Thank you, and best to you. -hhh
