Just want my H back

[ginab1966]

HHH:

Thanks so much for your kind words. Also, please know that I know EXACTLY how you feel, especially feeling jealous. I am flattered that you have asked me for advice. Honestly, I absolutely don’t feel qualified to give it. The only reason being that I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth myself but I know in my 12 step meetings, when I’m giving service, it always comes back to me 10 fold. So, I will do my best to share my “experience, strength and hope” with you. Also, I just want you to know that whatever I suggest/say/advise, I am not critizing you in any way. You are doing the absolute best you can at this moment in the face of tremendous pain. I really do know how hard this process is and know that sometimes responses that I’ve gotten seemed “harsh” but now I thank god for everyone’s frankness and honesty.

First let me say that, to me, it seems as though you are still pretty “hooked in” to him, his actions and the situation. Again, I don’t mean any disrespect saying this. Have you ever thought of going to Co-Dependants Anonymous? It’s a 12-Step program that enables people to stop the emeshment, detach and develop healthy, loving relationships…with everyone in their lives. It’s been nothing short of a miracle in my life and I’m finding so much more about my behavior. I thought I was subservient but I find that I’m actually controlling. A true eye opener. I’m also just going to say a bit about the comments you made (quoted below) in your first post.

“At one time he was a very doting and loving husband. He also didn't deal w a lot of issues along the way (things like conflicts w his family, was resentful of the fact that i made more $ than him, didn't change my name, etc) - never brought those up in our marriage and now they are all coming out now that we are separated. I've done a lot of soul searching and absolutely recognize things I have done/said wrong along the way. I do believe if he'd give me the chance to show him the person I have become he'd be open to reconciliation, but he's very black/white and feels like there is too much water under the bridge, that i emasculated him, etc. (I think he had some of his own prior insecurities regardless, but he is blaming everything on me).

“he always gave into me - i think i was a bit controlling and he was a bit too differential to me..a dynamic we both contributed to”


“he never thought he was good enough for me. We also come from different backgrounds (cultural, socio-econ) and apparently he feels like I looked down on him. Not at all true, I admire him for who is is and where he's come from, and have repeatedly told him that lately but not enough during the marriage, he felt.”

My husband was the same way. Never communicated his issues to me during the marriage but now I find out that he had MANY. The relationship we had made him feel parented instead of an equal partner. This is the hard part and I am just admitting this finally, I didn’t like the fact that he made less money than I did. I wanted him to stand up, take responsibility as head of the household and take charge….only issue is that I never let him. So, I didn’t trust him to do the right thing with money so I did it all and then resented the fact that I did it all and became extremely passive aggressive about that resentment. I would make all the decisions and try to include him and say things like ‘I think it’s best if we _¬¬¬_____. Don’t you agree?” I am 9 years older, come from a completely different background then him (him from welfare projects and me from upper middle class) and he also felt that he married above him and never measured up. I, in my heart, felt I married beneath me and looked down on him.

All that said, I feel very different today. About him, about me, about our marriage but it’s taken since March of 09 to get to this clarity and a lot of 12-step meetings, lots of coming on this site and LOTS of reading.

I know that you think the “kid” card is a help to keep them there but honestly, for us, having the child in the first place was one of the biggest issues of our marriage. We got married and had a child all in the same year. NOT RECOMMENDED!!! DB’ing a marriage without kids can be done. Sometimes the kid thing had worked against me because in all honesty, he would like out of all the responsibilities of his life. He is also going through a bit of a MLC. It’s also tempting to use the kids to guilt them back and that does nothing but push them further away. The last thing about kids…..if this marriage doesn’t work out for you (and I’m praying that it does) you won’t have the added stress of knowing the children will be forever effected. I know that I, at times, will accept behavior from my husband that I shouldn’t because I just want to keep my daughters family in tact. NOT RECOMMENDED!!! I’m working on that though.

Now, about the money thing……my opinion is that you need to stop giving him money. For some reason that seems to have been the turning point for my husband. When I said that I would no longer finance his “way out” of this marriage and financially support him in any way, he somehow changed his tune. He was definitely not happy about it but I really think that was the turning point. Your H walked out….if you walk out and want to be independent, then be independent. I know that you feel that it will make him mad and possibly push him further way but you have to take that chance. Most importantly, it will give you some “power” back. Not in the “upper hand” way but you feel like a doormat and are behaving like one. DON”T. It may sound trite but no one will respect you if you don’t respect you. I know how hard this is. So hard that I couldn’t do it for MONTHS and we are not reaping the financial downfall from it…but you need to do it NOW.

I know it also sound counterintuitive but GAL your little bottom off. I don’t just mean exercise more….I mean, go out and do things fun and exciting. Seems like you have the financial means to do stuff…DO IT. For me it’s a bit harder because I’m so broke but I go to 2 meetings a week and go out after work with my co=workers and take people up on their offers for walking groups, etc. I keep as busy as possible with the focus being ME and my recovery. I call it recovery because I believe that I am addicted to people and the toxic relationship train. I’ve been on it all my life. I read that you are doing the GAL thing and I applaud your efforts. Just keep it up.

I have one last thing to say and this may be coming out of left field but this is just what keeps me hanging in there. I hope I don't offend you. I am a Christian. I do my best to not just talk the talk and live in a way that glorifies God. I left my marriage for awhile and forgot who I was. I am not back, fighting with every ounce of my being to save it. One of the biggest turning points for me was hearing a song called "Love's Not a Fight". It's from a movie called Fireproof. If I truly believe that I have made a covenant with my husband to be his wife, and I do, I will stay and fight. That doesn't mean I will be a doormat or that I will accept behavior that is demeaning. I'm just saying that I love my husband..not just the good parts but all of him. I realize that I cannot control or make him do anything, especially love me again. But i can control me and my actions and I will live every day, to the best of my ability, so that I can stand before my God one day and tell him I did everything in my power to save my marriage. This is why I try every day. Fighting for your marriage doesn't mean you beg, plead, guilt, scream and say I'm sorry ever 5 min. Sometimes fighting means that you just sit, be still and pray for God's will in your life. Become a better you in the process. If he wants out...so be it...but if you really, really are "in this" you stay and don't say die. Really examine the reason you want to be married. Do you feel that it's just too hard alone without someone? Do you want to stay married because it's the dream you won't let die? I have a very firm knowledge of why I stay. I love my husband and I made a promise to my child, to God and to H to never give up. I lost sight of that for a bit and I'm paying the price now. Luckily, God's grace is infinate and I know that I'll be forgiven but I have to do my part in the healing.

I'm praying that you get what you want. Mostly I'm praying that you allow God's will to determine where you need to be.

I have no idea if anything I said has helped but I felt really compelled to tell you that last part. Take good care of yourself..really, really good care. Sit and be still and know that you are precious creation.

Gina B

p.s. I'm on FB too. Come chat any time. I'm going to try and send a PM to you to see if I can get my FB name to you.