On being the best O'Dog I can be #2

[orangedog]

So this weekend I had one of those kind of half-sleep half awake lucid things. It's called "Trying to make sense out of things that don't make sense."

I've used this line before but it really seems to be arriving again in the midst of these heavy discussions on SP's thread. As stated earlier O'dog is done and the paperwork is filed. But I continue to participate in these discussions for a few reasons.

- I want to understand what and why this happened. I still have feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, (happiness?). What's going on inside that grey matter of mine?

- It ain't over yet and never will be. Because we have kids it's not really the end of a relationship, just a troubled relationship forever bound by strings that cannot be cut. Yeah, she thought she'd get rid of me and all would be good. And I thought with less contact with her would feel better. But we can only go so far without abandoning little ones.

- Emotional support.

So something brought up in Zen discussion made absolutely no sense. I'm pondering this thing while doing housework moving the words back and forth and suddenly, Eureka!, the whole thing came unhinged. It wasn't supposed to make sense, only to be seen for the beauty of the words themselves. There were bits of understanding here and there but they were not knitted together in any particular string of meaning.

And that's when I let go of trying to understand the meaning or string of logic of W and D. I'm trying to make sense of something that has no sense to begin with. There are bits of understanding here and there but they are not knitted together in any particular string of meaning.

So while I struggle to understand why, who, how, what caused all this I have to let some of it go and realize not all of it will be understandable. I wish I had a 100% solid answer about what happened and why. But none exists. It's random. Not confused but not made in any particular order. It is a freedom to let go simply see what is in front of me.

Easier said than done.