Divorce not busted 3

[Orich]

EB, we never fought either, same thing, we probably should have. We still don't fight, although there are times I have wanted to strangle her. Someone said she might be looking to fight and that I should once in a while. I don't know. Again, until the retro weekend I don't want to rock the boat.
I am trying to stay one step ahead of her, watching the kids' calendar and doing what is necessary for them, or listening to her complaints and trying to fix something before she brings it up. Coach said it, I am walking on eggshells. I have to stop. Easier said than done.

[MrBond]

O,

You don't understand. Detaching does not mean to physically leave your W. Detaching means cutting the emotional strings that she has on you. It means not being reliant on her moods and thoughts for your own happiness.

My W and I live together, do things with the kids together, sleep together, etc. But I know that if she gets up and leaves tomorrow, I'll be fine. If she stays I'll be fine. I am my own man.

It's becoming an individual again. sandi once asked me if there were a way to get at least one hour of "me" time a day where I wouldn't think of my W at all. So I started running. I give her space. She needs to figure things out herself.

Same as your W. She needs to figure things out herself. Let's put it this way. If she were to die (heaven forbid) today, you'd have to survive without her. You know you won't die, without her.

You are still hinging everything she does based on her reactions. I don't know if you realize how codependent you've become on her. Live for yourself first. Take the focus off her.

If she took your whole family off FB, who cares? If she doesn't compliment you, who cares? It's your decision to stay in it. You have to be able to shrug it off if she doesn't react the way YOU want her to.

[Orich]

Stuck,
I know it doesn't mean physically leaving. What I mean is when we are together in the house, do I just ignore her?
I do realize how codependant I am on her. It's sickening. I am trying to break the dependancy. This facebook thing hurt, but it didn't siderail me. She didn't respond when I told her I missed her one day, again, I didn't really react like I once might have.
I know I should just not let the facebook thing effect me, but it seemed like it came from left field. Everything was status quo and then all of a sudden this happened. That's why I chalked it up to her hormones.
I do have more work to do, I know that. When I am apart from her, it is easier. She texted me about Thursday's schedule for the boys. I answered only with my schedule and nothing else.

[MrBond]

Don't ignore her because that would make you seem like an @$$. Instead, treat her like a roommate. If you had a roommate, you wouldn't care if they were happy or not. You would let them alone and deal with their own things. That's how it is.

"Everything was status quo and then all of a sudden this happened. That's why I chalked it up to her hormones."

It ain't from her hormones. She's been slowly and purposefully distancing herself from you and your family. When she first agreed to Retrouvaille, you should have attached a list of things that both you and her had to work on prior to going. Again, both parties have to want to kind of work on it. Right now she's acting like a juvenile who is going to something they don't really want to go to. Sure she may have a sudden revelation, but chances are that it's not going to happen.

Let me ask you then. If things don't work out at Retrouvaille, what do you plan to do? You've put all your eggs in one basket.

First thing you need to do right away is to command respect from her. She may not like going, but she doesn't have to act like a b*tch to you before you go. Appeasing her isn't working. Do something different. Get your balls back from her. Be compassionate and understanding, but don't be a chump at the same time.

[Energizer Bunny]

when we are together in the house, do I just ignore her?

I've had a little success with making sure I have lots to do. Go to the store. Work in the garage. Mow the grass. Etc. Going to the gym is good.
I talk on the phone to friends a lot.

I know what you mean. It is weird. Don't ignore, just don't initiate often. If it seems weird go find something to do in another room.

I do realize how codependant I am on her.

I don't have the same philosophy as some of the others on Codependency. My W claims that she is CoDep because she has let me determine her moods too much. Granted, we are all learning how to put up emotional boundaries to protect ourselves in a time of crisis, but when all is normal it SHOULD effect you when your spouse is having issues. Have you read MWD's Change Your Life and Everyone in it? She said that according to experts 96% of people are codependent. In other words, a certain level of CoDep is NORMAL.

It's just overboard is never good and you have do pretty much do away with it all together to get through the crisis.

[Orich]

I think she still has deep within her a desire to keep the family together. We still do things as a family on weekends, and she appears happy enough then. I can even talk to her a little easier. That might be what is keeping her going. I think if she really didn't want to go, she would put up more of a stink. I didn't think I should have added to the agreement of going to Retro, thats why I didn't.
I understand about treating her like a roommate. I am trying to get there. It is difficult for me, but I think I can do it. I have had small successes so far, even if I had large failures.
If things don't go well at Retro, I'm not 100% sure what I am going to do, but I do know that I will play a little more hardball. In my mind at that point I think I will be able to truly accept the "what is she going to do, divorce me?" mentality because by then it might be a foregone conclusion. Right now it is hard to accept that because of the hope I have in the Retro weekend.

[Energizer Bunny]

Interesting article.

http://www.nytimes.com/1990/02/11/books/chances-are-you-re-codependent-too.html

[Orich]

Thanks for the article. I know that my life has revolved around W since I met her. So much so, that I am being torn apart right now not being able to fall back on her or use her for strength. I have been through a lot of weird and very bad experiences while on this job, and I was always able to balance everything with her. As long as she loved me, I could make it through anything. Now she doesn't, and I have to learn to lean on myself.

[undrdg]

Hey Orich, how are you man?
I have been reading up on you and things are still the same.
I guess that's better than getting worse.
IF i were you i would not put all my hopes on Retro.
Take a karate class or something.
I wish i could get into your head and beat the co-dep out of you. I know its hard. I have backslides myself. Sometimes you have to analyze your feelings and cut them before they can hurt you.
Go to that place that makes you callous but not insensitive.

What do you think about just taking off for a day or 2 and live in a hotel to clear you mind?

[Orich]

hi undrdg
Things are slightly worse, not hopeless yet. She is slowly distancing herself from me.
I am not putting ALL my hopes on Retro, but I am hoping for a breakthrough. I won't give up after the weekend, but I will change my approach.
I can't move out for even a day. I would miss my kids too much. I spent a week with them, I was off while they were. We had a great time, but I kept thinking that this is what my future might be. Only seeing them part time, and then just me and them. It made me very sad, but I made the most of the time we were together.
I am close to that callous place. I love my W very much, but I don't like her very much right now.