As I think more about this, I am inclined to think that someone who really doesn't give a fig would not even reply.
No reply is requested or needed. Saying I already cancelled (although true) could come across as "you can't fire me, I quit" And responding to his statement about my alleged "annoyance, rage, contempt, ironic hostility, blame etc." would just be engaging like someone who cared enough to defend myself, or say "what about what you did", blah blah blah.
No reply could mean many things. It could mean I am so devastated I can't type through my tears. It could mean I'm mad. (I am annoyed about not getting my vacation, but this could be a blessing in disguise.) But also someone hurt or mad would probably shoot off an email either blasting him or saying "How could you . . ."
You just don't know what no reply means. And not replying would be very unlike me - a 180.
You are making the assumption he will put that much thought into your reply. And even if he considered it.. it's doubtful he will come to the same conclusions as what it means as your giving him credit for. If he could do that.. it's doubtful you'd be in this position.
2nd guessing this to death is not going to change the circumstances...
do you want out or not? What is best for you as you confront the most brutal facts of your current reality?
(((dudess)))
PS.. I'm in agreement with Purple... go visit her (or me).
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I say ignore his e-mail. Indifference is the best thing for you as you plan & prepare. Take care of you. Fill your love bucket. Get him out of your head.
Best advice I ever got on this board was when I was told repeatedly that I cared too much & put way too much effort into it.
Just tonight I had a good friend tell me "you got so used to being neglected that any scrap of attention was a feast". His e-mail is a scrap. Ignore it. Find a real feast. After all you are the Dudess !!!
Love ya girlie
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
It is ok to reply... (actually BETTER to reply IF you reply with the correct tone and words)
Something like this...
Quote:
"Just got your email. I agree with you totally. Matter of fact I have also been doing some thinking and came to the same conclusions you have. I cancelled my ticket a few days ago. I have been debating when to tell you, but it looks like we have both been thinking the same things regarding our relationship. I didn't want you to be mad that I wasn't coming, but I agree with you in that this is the best thing for both of us......"
Short, blunt, and mysterious..... Relieved because YOU feel the exact same way he does. It isn't working....
And then leave him alone.....
Don't mention anything about is rude comments to you. Just agree with not coming and this is for the best and that you had already decided you weren't coming..
I suspect he is pursuing the OW that he was obsessed with before. You are right in that he likes to chase the unattainable or hard to get woman. I would give him that challenge in a big way...
Do you want him to chase you, as the unattainable WAW, or for choosing to be in an intimate relationship with his best friend?
I would think, until he understands what it takes to be in an intimate relationship with you & deal with his issues of control and empathy,... even he does drop this OW & pursue you, as the unattainable WAW... what do you have once you let him 'catch' you?? The same old, same old.
I agree with Cookie.. you deserve better than his scraps of attention he gives when his ego is inflated by pursuing/capturing the "unattainable".
((dudess))
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Thanks for your comments on my thread. I have been following this one and not commenting.
Upon reading your H's email I wanted to reach through the computer and smack him. I'm really bummed for you to be missing a vacation in Europe, but taking a different trip after you move is a good plan (I took several small trips on BF's dime).
I understand what Bridgestone is saying and what you said on my thread--if he starts chasing you again do you really want him to catch you? As you know, I'm still struggling with this myself. But it did feel like a vindication to be the one in control, to have the options versus having the choice made for me.
So I say move forward with your plans and take control of your life! Either H will realize how stupid he's been and do something about it or you'll be better off without him.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
i'm assuming you want to be caught, you enjoy the pursuit, the real question is do you want to be honest with yourself & your spouse and say "hey the relationship we had didn't work, can we be adult, put our cards on the table, say EXACTLY what we want from each other and work towards this goal which would be one of many goals we would work on together and create a relationship that is lasting & mutually rewarding & fulfilling?"
That would be the goal otherwise why hang out on the db website? I'm assuming it's not just for $hits & giggles.
hey you...I agree with Bridgestone, I wouldn't reply to that email. Considering it's a pack of lies, projection and blame. OH, sorry, I don't think you should come, and it's YOUR fault, and I don't have the energy, because I'm spending it pursuing someone else.
What is there to say to that? Your H's actions speak louder than words, and so should yours.
2nd guessing this to death is not going to change the circumstances...
No, but what I do may change the circumstances. And if not, I've lost nothing.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
do you want out or not? What is best for you as you confront the most brutal facts of your current reality?
Interesting you say that. I actually laid out the facts and emailed them to myself with the subject: "The brutal facts of my marriage."
Under the current circumstances, yes, I want out. I might possibly reconsider under certain conditions which I really don't need to think about right now. I'll cross that bridge IF I need to.
I don't see how following gucci's advice is hurting me in the least. It's not stopping me from pursuing my best interests. To the contrary, I find that asking myself WWAWAWD? (what would a walk away wife do) helps me shift to that perspective mentally and emotionally. Even if doing this changes nothing about what he does, it still feels like a graceful and dignified way to exit a relationship.
Best advice I ever got on this board was when I was told repeatedly that I cared too much & put way too much effort into it.
Just tonight I had a good friend tell me "you got so used to being neglected that any scrap of attention was a feast". His e-mail is a scrap. Ignore it. Find a real feast. After all you are the Dudess !!!
Good to see you cookie!
I know I also have put too much effort into this relationship.
I don't think his email was even a scrap - more like a turd.
